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Hi guys! It's been a while since I posted on the ol' blog, but I haven't been silent! 

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Crisis of Confidence

Launched into my 40s feeling great, but now I have a complete crisis of confidence and I feel like things are crashing down a bit. 

I was shrugging things off, but 

when I try to explain how I felt to my friends I was close to tears, which is a sure sign that there's a problem.  

However, I couldn't quite put my finger on what the one problem was (maybe it's more than one!) 

I guess the main problem though is that I've finally accepted that I can't work, which is really depressing me. I actually applied for two jobs at the beginning of last month on a whim. The first sounded PERFECT. It was working for a disability charity based in London, part time, working from home flexibly, and you needed 'lived experience' of a disability. The fact that I could potentially be working for an employer that truly understood disability and the limitations it has on working life made me excited. Sadly I didn't get the job (though I got a lovely response from them), but it felt good to get my CV up to date and apply for something. I also applied for a local job as an administrator, just 10 hours a week, so it would have been nice, but I didn't hear back from them. 

I had convinced myself that working is doable then of course, I have another bad patch. Spending random days resting/sleeping isn't conducive to a working lifestyle and I felt relief that I didn't get either jobs. I forget what it's like when I'm feeling well, which is crazy because it's not like I haven't had my conditions for YEARS and I know that it's not going away. When I'm well, I feel truly happy which gives me confidence to take on the world! Then that confidence evaporates and I crash, left feeling depressed and a failure. It's a vicious cycle. 

In my last post, I talked about what a relatively stress-free life I had, enabling me to look after my health properly, and if I found a job, I could potentially jeopardise this and make my health worse. 

Would it be worth it? No...I don't think so. 

So yes it's with a heavy heart that I've finally accepted I'm not well enough to work. If it was just the MS that's one thing, but it's the bipolar that is potentially more problematic when working. More importantly I've accepted that things aren't going to change and in fact they may get worse. However it's a bitter pill to swallow. 

Having a job and getting a bit of money would psychologically make me feel more independent which is important to me as a disabled woman. I know I don't need to work financially because Si is happy to support us all, but having some sort of independence is important to me. 

So I can't have a conventional 'job'. But I don't want to be stuck in the house all the time, feeling sad like I'm missing out on something. The prospect of what I'm going to do with my time is overwhelming me. There's a large part of me that wants to do something where I can convince myself that I'm 'normal'. Then I have to slap myself on the wrist because 'normal' is a bad word and it's not healthy thinking.  

What is normal anyway?!

I guess I will think on. I'm heading up to Cleethorpes to see my family for a few days, so I think removing myself from home and getting some headspace will do me good. 

Help me out though! If you have any ideas for anything remotely creative I can do, from home, flexibly, that will provide me with a bit of pocket money and give me a sense of well being, please be my guest! I've done a sewing business, I've done the cakes.... what can I turn my increasingly desperate mind to now?! 

40, fabulous, and feeling fine!

I turned 40 at the beginning of Feb and I feel great!

Not physically...no...but mentally, I feel great. Got a lot of aches and pains at the moment, and I've been suffering from a lingering cold for the past couple of weeks which has left me with awful catarrh.

I feel great mentally, because I feel like this is the first 'milestone' birthday in a while. I had a wonderful few days with family and friends, and felt royally spoilt. It's not often I do things where I'm centre of attention, but I went with it and enjoyed it immensely. I was shattered afterwards of course!

If I'm honest, when I was diagnosed at 18, I assumed I would be in a wheelchair by the time I reached 40. I was convinced! Even though I wouldn't say it was hanging over me, it was often niggling in the back of my mind (after all, who knows what's going to happen...it's an unpredictable disease) but, no. I'm not. In fact I'm thriving. 

I set myself a challenge to lose some more weight before my birthday, and I shed a stone over 6 months which was great (in fact showing me that I CAN do it)! I felt confident, got my hair done and felt like I could really ease into my forties with style.

Sure occasionally I have the odd wobble, where I think my mortality is catching up to me (don't we all?!), but overall so far so good. 

Life is cracking, compared to what it could have been. My MS is stable, my bipolar is fairly manageable, and I'm going to lose more weight to get down to a healthy BMI. From there, surely it's onwards and upwards? I mentioned on another post that my consultant was really pleased with my health at the moment, considering i've been diagnosed for 22 years. Nothing is certain with MS, and I know how lucky I am. I do feel that it isn't entirely by chance though. I do tend to look after myself pretty well, trying to get as much exercise as my body allows, and eating a varied diet. I count my lucky stars that I am mobile, happy, healthy, and feeling positive.

It's times like this though where I need to thank my beautiful family and friends for all of the help and support they give me. Because of them, I lead a fairly low stress life, which of course, helps MS and mental health conditions. I don't have to work, which I'm eternally grateful for and I have to ability to bumble my way through life. Doing things when I feel well enough, and resting when I don't. 

So here's to the future!

Me and Si

Bipolar at Christmastime

 

I'm sat writing this after my third night of not really sleeping. 

Photo courtesy of Alexandra Gorn - unsplash

I've had an awful cold, but the worst has happened - I'm having a manic episode at the same time!

My body needs rest and I'm exhausted, but my mind is CONSTANTLY whirring away making good sleep nigh on impossible. I've caught the odd hour here and there, but I'm getting really tired of this now. Then it dawned on me....it's because of the time of year!

I was the same last year on the run up to Christmas. My mind whirls with too much over stimulation, it goes haywire and I switch into manic mode. 

It is making things incredibly challenging. At this rate I'm going to be burnt out by Christmas, which is no good. I've tried meditation, reading, listening to calming music, warm baths, you name it, but nothing helps. I just can't switch my brain off. 

There's an immense amount of pressure that I think a lot of people heap on themselves this time of year. I just want to make it great for everyone but in doing so I'm in danger of missing it completely. I confess that sometimes I would self medicate with a glass a wine to help me get to sleep, but I've been off my food and definitely don't fancy drinking with this cold. In my experience, it only makes it worse. 

My last resort, of which I am putting into practice today, is getting some Night Nurse, and hoping that it keeps the aches, sniffles and insomnia at bay letting my fall into a deep and restful sleep. 

Bipolar is a challenge without a doubt, and in some ways, if I'm manic it helps this time of year because I have the energy and inclination to do everything. It's like I see it as a big project that needs completing and I kind of come into my own. I truly love Christmas. I love the choosing of presents, giving, cooking, eating...you name it, I love it! 

Hopefully this cold will be well and truly gone before then (we have 4 days left) and my mania will have subsided enough for me to catch up on some sleep! 

I think I'm going stir crazy as well though - maybe a walk today would help? I've been so lacking in exercise recently. Everything goes to pot when the kids are off school because I don't have the school run to get my exercise, and having this bad cold has meant I've been too fatigued to take the dog out. I'm sure it's all related and it makes my bipolar worse.

Anyway, we shall see. 

I'm sure things will straighten out, and we'll all have a great Christmas! And may I wish you all a wonderful holiday time!! See you on the flip side in 2023!

xx