Is been a bad...no....a really shitty week.
Depression has reared its ugly head again and I've been withdrawn, sad, frustrated, and frankly exhausted since the weekend. This time has been different though, in particular I've had a sense of resignation. Normally I try and fight the depression (which actually stresses me out more) but this time I've just gone with it to an extent. I kind of feel like I have stopped looking after myself but maybe that's just the way it has to be at the moment. Who needs to shower every day anyway?!
As I said, the whole time has been beyond exhausting. All I want to do is sleep. But it doesn't help... I know it doesn't. I know that exercise and fresh air will make me feel better but it was impossible to convince myself to do it. Normally I can push through things like that but not this time.
I guess I've just been feeling sorry for myself, getting hung up on all the things I wish I could do if MS didn't get in the way. But after a pep talk from my wonderful husband I woke up this morning with a better grip on reality. As he said everyone has constraints that they get frustrated about, not necessarily physical, but constraints none the less. At the end of the day I have so much to be thankful for and just concentrating on small things have helped me to get through this.
I've decided to make note of an achievement I have accomplished every day, to try and make myself concentrate on the positive things. It doesn't need to be big...like I said, at the moment a shower is an acheivement.
Today, after an anxiety inducing school run, I managed to take the dog for a walk. I climbed to the top of a big hill then sat on the bench and just reflected. Removing myself from the house and having some space around me has really helped. The next hurdle is trying to maintain the exercise. I've started doing yoga too (well, I had before the depression kicked off) so if I can do one or the other every day that will be an acheivement in itself.
I know it will pass and things will get better, but I'm afraid at how quickly the fog can come over me at the moment. If I get in the slightest bit over tired, then it can all kick off. Looking after two children (one of which is usually in the bed with us) isn't great for fending off depression. In some ways of course it helps (who doesn't love a cuddle) but when it comes to tiredness it does not.
Anyway, onwards and upwards I guess, and I just need to take each day as it comes.