Wednesday, 4 January 2017

A period of survival

Today has been a bad day and I am writing this in a fug of exhaustion.

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been trying to battle through it, but today I gave in. I just couldn't give anymore.

Ed is coming up to 20 months now, and there was no way to prepare me for the physical exertion having a child like Ed would incur. Don't get me wrong, he is sweet and lovely, and a joy, but by gum he is hard work. He's so strong and heavy, and insistent on climbing on everything, so wrangling with him really does feel like a major battle for me. My ebbing strength just can't stand up to his boundless energy.

I find myself just wishing the days away until he's older and looking after him isn't so exhausting. I know that that is a sad state of affairs, but I suspect every mother has felt the same way at some point. I just feel like my life is a merry-go-round, which at the moment is just making me feel overwhelmed and dizzy. I just want to get off, just for a short time, and try to get back to square one. But is that even possible? After all, this is my life, it's how things are. I can only hope that as the year goes on and Ed starts to become a little more independent, things will improve.

For starters, getting his sleeping sorted is one thing to try this year. He's still not sleeping through after all this time, so we're all exhausted - not just me. The problem is that he eats very little really, so I'm sure getting some more food down him would help matters and settle him. But as they say, 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'. It's all so frustrating and it really does feel like a period of survival. I just have to get through these days until something clicks and things fall into place, as is often the way with kids. Just when you're at your wits end, something will happen to make things easier, and there you go...off onto the next challenge.

Before I had children I went to an MS conference and met a lady who spent a good 10 minutes telling me why she regretted having her children. The fact that this lady was literally foaming at the mouth meant I disregarded such statements as madness (while backing away slowly), but now I see what she was trying to say. I, of course, don't feel the same way as her (I have never regretted having children) but I think what she was trying to say was that MS and motherhood is a volatile mix. The very nature of the disease, and fatigue being such a prevalent symptom, just doesn't sit hand in hand with being a Mum.

That said, it is of course do-able. I am doing it. And I like to think I'm doing a good job. I just have to try not to get downhearted, and see this bad patch for what it is. I'm sure brighter times are just round the corner.

MS, fatigue, motherhood,
Bad patch