Saturday, 10 November 2012

The Second Child Quandary

Up until recently I've always had it in my mind that we would only have one child.
After all, the first was...well, as it is with everyone...a struggle. And our little Lib slept well, ate well and hardly cried! However, more and more recently I've been starting to think about what it would be like to venture into the realms of Baby Number Two.

Si was brought up as an only child, and has said he found it lonely at times, and I do feel sad to think that Lib may not have that special bond with a sibling. Now, if the MS wasn't an issue, I would definitely be planning on having a second child. Which I think is why the whole thing is making me feel so sad at the moment. Not having one would mean I would be letting the MS win, in a way. 

I was worried and scared about how I would be able to cope with having a baby, but it was a brand new experience, so there was no way in predicting how I was going to be. However, with a second baby, I know the problems (up to a point), which on the one hand would make it easier, but then this time round I'll have Lib to cope with as well as a baby, so I should expect it to be harder. 

I think the real problem is that I've felt a sense of urgency following this relapse. I read today that 65% of RRMS sufferers develop secondary progressive MS within 15 years of diagnosis. Now, I don't normally get freaked out by statistics, but I couldn't help but think 'hmm...11 years down. And there's still no improvement in my hands after my relapse. What if I am going down-hill?'. Idiotic I know. It's still earlier days into recovery. It was just that one quick thought has put the sense of panic in me and to be honest....really scared me.

We'd always planned on waiting until Lib is at school before we even considered another child, but there's that fear that my MS will get worse, and I'll regret not doing it sooner. After all, at the moment it's an option though we know it would be tough...and I'd hate to reach the point when it wasn't even an option anymore. Also, if we want another child and I'm worried about it, it makes sense to me to do it sooner so that I have the tiring years when they're not at school over before my MS has a chance to deteriorate further (if it's going to, of course!).

I had a heart-to-heart with Si, and a good chat with my Ma, which really helped. I was worried that they would think I was being irresponsible or something because I didn't want to wait until Lib's at school...which again, is completely stupid! I knew Si wanted a second child anyway, and he could definitely see the logic of not waiting another 4 years, which helped to put my mind at rest.

Anyway, we've decided to see how next year fairs and go from there.

I'll finish on a very philosophical point my husband made when I was worrying about letting my MS make a huge decision for me.
"You want to live your life, with MS. Not live your life through MS".
 Such a wise man, my husband!!