Navigating London and other stuff

This post is well over due.

It's all about the October half term,  but now Christmas is creeping up and it's been sat in my draft box for ages! I just haven't been in the right frame of mind to write. It normally comes quite naturally to me, but recently it's like staring at a blank wall. However, I thought I should persevere and finish this post, because half term was a really big deal for me. 

So here we are....

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I was knackered and frazzled, but we had a great time at half term.

We decided to stay in London for a couple of nights, mainly to see My Neighbour Totoro at the Barbican Theatre. 

To many this wouldn't seem like a big deal (after all it's about one and a half hours on the train from Bristol) but to me, it was a MASSIVE deal. 

I hadn't experienced London with the kids before, and I hadn't been for a very long time (when I had better stamina).

I had built London up in my head to be this traumatic place where I would really really struggle. I worried about the practicalities of actually getting round, and the mental impact being in such a busy place would have.

But.....I did it. I coped. And yes I was exhausted afterwards, but it's done and it really wasn't as bad as expected! The kids were fantastic, and we all loved it. 

Si and Ed navigating the Underground

My main worry was whether I was going to cope with all the walking - particularly getting from one place to another in the Underground. I remember long concourses, and having to stand for long periods on the actual train, having no chance to rest. But actually, it was fine. Sure there was a lot of walking, but the actual trains were eerily quiet so more often than not, I managed to get a seat. Si planned our routes well, and because the flat we had was down the road from the Barbican, we were fairly close the the Barbican tube station, and therefore on the Circle line. From there we could get to where we needed to go easily and without changing. Like I said, we were lucky in the fact that I managed to get a seat. If we'd travelled in rush hour,  I'm sure it would have been a different story. 

The Natural History Museum 

I took my folding stick with me, but only needed it on the second day - when we went to the Natural History Museum. Even then I managed the Museum without the stick and it was only getting back to the flat where I struggled a bit. It was very busy at South Kensington tube, near where the museum is, so I did do more standing around then. 

The Blue Whale

My Neighbour Totoro at the Barbican Theatre was awesome! 

My Neighbour Totoro is a Studio Ghibli film that came out in the 1980s, which is charming and lovely, and the theatre production of it did not disappoint. As a family we've always been a big fan of Totoro....ever since Lib being a toddler where we used to sit down and watch the film together. I found the theatre production emotional because all of these memories came flooding back, and I don't mind telling you that I got a bit tearful! We all adored it and would highly recommend it. 

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So yeah a big milestone for me, and I think it's all thanks to Tysabri. It's given me my stamina back. 

'Doing' London unscathed has given me so much confidence though to try and do more and different stuff. There's a fine line between being practical and cautious, and pushing myself to do a bit more though. Sure I managed our London trip, but that was a few days out of many....and I shouldn't assume I'm always going to manage things like that. For example, I wouldn't have been able to manage it this weekend.

A case in point though is when we go to Slimbridge Wetland Centre. I nearly always hire a mobility scooter because it's quite a lot of walking. On the one hand, it seems sensible to preserve my energy, but London has given me the confidence to try it without the scooter, and relish in getting the exercise. 

And exercise is key here. 

My weight loss journey is still on-going (I've lost nearly a stone so far) but I need to push on, so exercise and maintaining that 'gumption' is needed. I always find it hard to motivate myself in the winter though....I just want to hunker down and hibernate (like most people!). The frustrating thing though is that I know I'll feel better and have more energy when I've lost weight...it's just getting there. 

But Christmas is just around the corner...and my 40th birthday after that....so celebrations will be abound and I. must. not. put. it. all. back. on! 

Dealing with an Emotional Child

Health Update

A couple of weeks ago, I was suffering from spasticity and other symptoms......I'm pleased to say things have calmed down. 

I spoke to my consultant on the Friday who, when I told her my symptoms, was sure it wasn't a relapse. Thank lordy! She is going to refer me to physio for my right leg (which keeps stiffening up when I walk), and I have to talk to the doctor about my arm which is still bothering me. 

Now I'm feeling better though, I look back and realise that I was panicking for little reason. I've had so many pseudo relapses whist on Tysabri, you'd think I'd know the pattern by now. However, when you're in the moment, feeling like poop, it's hard to see the wood for the trees. It's been 6 years since my last relapse, so I find it hard to remember what it really feels like. 

The Emotional Rollercoaster

This week has been an emotional one for me. We're finding Ed's behaviour very challenging, and as I've dipped into a depressive state, it's taking it's toll. Ed's always been very sensitive, but as he gets older, his mood swings are becoming more pronounced. He lashes out, shouts, and throw things (the classic tantrum) when he doesn't get his own way. Obviously he's bigger now though, so the effect is more alarming. 

The 7 year Milestone and Adrenarche

The 7th year is a bit of milestone in a child's development. Not only will reading and writing move in leaps and bounds, but they become to be more aware of their surroundings, and their place in the world. I found this useful article that also describes how children become more empathetic. It doesn't feel like that most of the time, because Ed seems to get lost in his feelings, but a case in point, I couldn't help but get upset the other night due to another battle to get him to bed. I was super tired, and his behaviour just hit me at the wrong moment. I started crying and after a few minutes, he stopped what he was doing, and came over and gave me a big hug and told me he loved me. I thought we had turned a corner, but alas, the behaviour came back the next day. 

It's also a milestone hormonally, as adrenarche kicks in. This is the 'awakening of the adrenal gland' responsible for making hormones. 

"you may notice your 7- or 8-year-old seems angry or tearful for no reason as they struggle to process their emotions. They may start falling out with their friendship groups or their behaviour may seem uncharacteristic."

This makes a lot of sense to me, as I know how highly tuned Ed is. I can also see it in his friends, and the changing way they deal with one another.  

 

Dealing with an emotional child 

Like I say, I've found the whole situation very hard to deal with, especially as I feel emotionally vulnerable myself at the moment. I looked on google for some tips on how to deal with an emotional child and came across some great advice from real parents.  

"Be open and honest, even if it’s difficult at times."

"Be empathetic. Do not give them a solution. Rather coach them in finding a solution."

"Love them in those moments as this IS when they NEED you the most!"

"Try to understand that the problems they are facing are a huge deal to them. Recognise that they have real issues, albeit unrealistic to you."

Getting to the bottom of things

We suspected that Ed wasn't happy about something outside of the home, and when we quizzed him, he confessed that some of his friends had been unkind to him in the classroom and at play. This also actually happened a couple of months ago where there was an incident at play where he was surrounded and people were throwing grass at him. We spoke to the teacher and she said she'd keep at eye on him, but it appears the problems are persisting. One thing I will say though, is that all his peers are obviously going through the same thing emotionally at the moment, so I think it's easy for games to get out of hand, and comments made to be taken on board as hurtful. These are emotional kids we're talking about! Ed seems to still want to play with everyone, so I don't think he considers himself bullied by anyone in particular, I think it's more that a little fly away comment or action by someone is really hitting home at the moment. 

The time in the day when it's at its worst is bedtime though. It's a melting pot of emotions and tiredness, and since it's been lighter in the evenings Ed's finding it really hard to settle down. This means if Si and I are both tired, it makes it doubly challenging. Bedtime can take around 2 hours at the moment and often it is 9.30/10pm before he falls asleep. Obviously these later nights are going to play havoc with him anyway, so it feels like we just can't win at the moment!

Moving On

I must try and get my emotions in check when dealing with Ed, though it's easier said than done. However, the other night, I think it actually helped Ed to see me upset because it brought home that his actions have consequences. I'm me, and I'm just doing my best. If I get upset so be it. However, when I'm not depressed it's a lot easier to deal with because I feel less raw. 

Bedtime is a challenge, but I half think we should just stop the battling and let him go when he's tired. However, that could easily bite us in the behind as he stays up later and later because of the novelty. The summer holidays might be the time to experiment. I find the whole bedtime routine challenging though because I get so tired and exhausted by 8pm, so often I have to go to bed myself, leaving Si with the brunt of it. He's a true SuperDad!

I know this phase will pass, but in the eye of the storm, it's hard to imagine.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Time to take the next step

So recently, I've been talking a lot about being kind to myself this year, and I mentioned not putting the pressure on myself to lose weight. 

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've realised that in order to be kind the myself, I need to treat my body with the respect it deserves and be the healthiest I can be. I'm 40 next year, and on that day I want to be able to look at myself and feel happy and confident in my body. I'm kind of tired of hiding under baggy jumpers. 

As it stands I need to lose 3 stone in order to reach a healthy BMI. This is no easy feat, and I'm kind of ashamed that I've let it get to this point. But, it's the 'year of kindness', so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. It is what it is. I've had two children and a disability. 

However, I do, without a doubt need to lose some weight. For my mind as well as my body. It'll help my confidence, and kick start a healthier me for the next stage in my life. But as I've said before in this blog, I've found juggling losing weight and my MS incredibly difficult. I can't get stuck into a new exercise regime (trust me, I've tried on countless occasions) because my fatigue makes it extremely hard to be consistent. 

My diet is fairly healthy (though I confess I ate way to much sugar over the Christmas period...see previous post) so there's not too much work to do there. 

So what now. Well....I've realised the sticking point is ALCOHOL. 

(Photo by Jeff Siepman on Unsplash)

I love to have a glass of wine. Not to get drunk per se, but I just like wine. However, since lockdown, my drinking has become more of an issue, mainly because I started using it as a coping mechanism. 

If I was stressed or anxious, I would have a glass of wine to calm my brain down. However, one glass of wine became 2 or 3 and I found it hard to stop. Also, there's the social aspect to drinking. I rarely go out  (the same for most of us now I'm sure) so the tradition of sitting down with Si to have a bottle of wine on a Friday night was nice. It made me stay up later (I kid you not, I'm normally in bed by 8.30pm) and it felt sociable and we were spending quality time together. 

However, I found that I would now do this on a Friday and Saturday night. Meaning Sunday normally involved me feeling like crap, because of the booze and less sleep. Gradually, this merged into Monday too. I also ate badly all weekend because I was drinking/felt like crap. 

It came to a head the other day when I weighed myself on the Monday and realised (after a week of watching what I eat, I had put on 3lbs!)

It's water retention I thought....but no. The 3lbs stayed on. 

I realised that weight loss was never going to happen if I continued drinking. Lightbulb moment!

So I've stopped. I won't go as far as to say I'm sober (I'm not going to beat myself up if I want a glass of wine for a special occasion for example), but I've stopped drinking regularly which is a big step for me. So far, it's been great. I weirdly felt liberated, and positive for the future. Now I know I won't drink regularly, the weight loss goal seems so much more obtainable. 

I've set myself a goal of losing minimum of 1lb a week. For 52 weeks, that's approx 3.7 stone which would mean I'd be in the healthy BMI in time for my birthday next year. 1lb a week is completely do-able without me going insane or feeling like I've put too much pressure on myself!

I will undoubtedly keep you posted! If you have any weight loss tips, post them below, I'd love to hear them.

New Year, New Me? I doubt it!

I've decided not to make any new years resolutions this year, apart from one - be kinder to myself. 

No more resolutions to lose weight, drink less, do more exercise....I never stick to them and then I feel like a failure. 

No, 2022 is the year I try and be kinder to myself. If I feel low and eat some chocolate? So be it. If I fancy a relaxing drink with my husband? Go for it. If I'm too fatigued to sustain an exercise regime? Bugger it. 

I know I should lose weight, but I've realised that to make those changes, with me, changes need to come from within. I need to stop beating myself up for not being a certain size or shape. My body is a product of having children. It's the product of my disability. And it's just the way I am at the moment. 

I feel that what will be will be this year. 

One thing I am going to try and do for myself though, is do more art. I find it very therapeutic, and enjoy it. Si got me a load of art stuff for Christmas, so I really have no excuse now. We've touched on artwork in my counselling sessions, and I'm going to try and express my emotions more through my art. It can be a very powerful medium. The first picture I did of the year was of a sunset. I had a photograph of an amazing sunset I took with my Dad, the first time I took my new camera out when I was in my teens. It was a special memory for me, so putting it into a painting was a lovely feeling. 

My sunset done with metallic acrylic paint

Another thing I'm going to do, to be kinder to myself, is do more mediation and mindfulness. Again we've been talking about it in counselling, and it really can be beneficial for me. That feeling of peace you get when meditating is lovely. Hopefully I'll be able to work my way up to doing it every day, though that might be a bit ambitious!

Times may be hard this year - lets be honest the last two have been hard enough as it is, but stepping forward with kindness and compassion to myself is the way to go I think. I need to accept that I have limitations, and if I need to rest I need to rest. It's not laziness. 

I hope 2022 is a good year for you all! Are there any resolutions you've made? I'd love to hear them! Post in the comment section below.   

My Stick and Me

I haven't written for a while - the brain fog has been epic!

Whether it's stress, or just tiredness I've found concentrating on things really difficult. 

But I'm back on form...for the time being anyway. 

Today I wanted to write an ode to my stick. 

I've always had a tempestuous relationship with my stick. I used to be sooooo self conscious when using it, and frequently put off by people's stares. But as time has gone on, I'm starting to embrace it.

It's just an aid. That's it. It doesn't define me. I just use it when I need it.

That being said, I've never been particularly happy using it. 

However, that changed recently. I watched a fantastic documentary the other day called Introducing, Selma Blair. The actress Selma Blair was diagnosed with MS in 2018, and the documentary charts her experience as she has stem cell treatment. Now, I'm certainly not going to go down that road (I don't think I'm eligible for it anyway due to being diagnosed for so long) but her strength and fortitude was infectious. It documented her struggles really well, but her attitude remained stoic. 

There was a very affecting part of the film which showed Selma walking the red carpet in a a gorgeous dress, but with her cane. She has such poise, and then she breaks down in tears because it is all so overwhelming. This really struck a cord with me. As an MS sufferer, what I present to the world is often the opposite to how I am feeling. Sometimes it does just get too much. 

The main thing I took from Selma, was how you should never be afraid to have a bit of style as a disabled person. Often I wish myself into the background, but why shouldn't I own it. 
Yes I walk with a cane sometimes, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't do it with my head held high like Selma. 

This is who I am. Get used to it. And if you don't like it.....you can sod off. 

So in the spirit of Selma, I decided to pimp my stick up and make it a bit more interesting, and a bit more 'me'. 

This is my tired old stick. It's actually the first one that was bought for me when I was 18 years old, so it's served me well. The ergonomic handle is sturdy and comfortable.  

And this is it now - 

I left the sparkly handle I gave to it years ago, and used Mod Podge to stick some beautiful wrapping paper I found in John Lewis to it. The colour is a vibrant jade green (though you can't see it much in this photo). I then gave it two more coats of glue to harden it. I think it's much more me, and I'm kind of proud to go out with it now!

It's funny how just putting your stamp on things sometimes can change a whole outlook.

Working and MS

Since I was diagnosed, I've never been able to do a full-time job. I've had numerous part time roles, in various fields, but working full-time was beyond me.

It was the fatigue that was the hardest thing. I would get run down and then have to have a couple of days off ill, so my working has always been sporadic. However, I like to think I always caught up and did a good job. When I got my first permanent job in Bristol, I felt elated. It was a good job in a well-known establishment and I had a real sense of accomplishment. I told them about my MS in the interview, when they asked why I only wanted to work part-time. They were very understanding and I settled into the job well.

I was there for two years, before the recession hit.

That's when things started to go pear-shaped. Pressures were put on my boss at the time to get rid of people, and I guess I was the 'weak link' having more sick days than other people. So they tried to get rid of me. Naughty naughty! Though they knew about my MS, they complained about the amount of time I was having off and said

'They didn't realise I would get any worse when they hired me'

Funnily enough, neither did I!

MS is a progressive disease that is unpredictable, so it was clearly a lack of understanding. The thing that was really galling was that they were perfectly happy with my work, and I always caught up if I was away.

I had to get the union involved, which was extremely stressful. I also received help from my Mum's friend who is a lawyer. The fight was on, and I hated it. I felt it put me in an awkward position at work, and having meetings to justify my absence was so difficult. In the end, the workplace offered a voluntary severance package, which I decided to take. As it goes, I found out I was pregnant not long after, so it was completely the right decision to make.

The Natural Cupcake Company

When I received severance, I decided that I was going to set up my own business - a vegan cupcake company. Something gentle, just to keep me occupied. The reason I sold vegan cupcakes, was because I often made vegan cupcakes that were Swank diet friendly, and they always turned out really well. I sold to a monthly market, which meant I could manage it (though a days baking before hand always used to take it out of me). However, I was working for myself, which was a game changer. No more pressures from people making me think I was letting them down. It went really well....but then once Lib came along, I realised I couldn't juggle being a Mum with work. I just couldn't get my head around it, and I didn't have the energy. So I put the cupcake company on hold, and vowed to go back to it at some point.

It was only until fairly recently, when both the kids were at school, that I decided to start it up again. It was a big success, but again I just couldn't maintain it. Though my MS was fairly stable, my anxiety flared up, and I was really really struggling. In the end my fatigue and anxiety, made baking and especially delivering cupcakes a real issue. I had given myself another purpose with working and it felt great to be earning some independent money, and doing something for myself, but sadly it just wasn't sustainable.

Coming to terms

I made the difficult decision to give up work again, and had to come to terms with that, which was difficult. I am in the lucky position where I don't have to work for the money, but I've always wanted to work for my own sanity! It's nice to have something to do aside from looking after the kids. As an MS sufferer I've always tried to partake in life to the best of my ability, and giving up work has been, in my mind, a blow to that. Again, it comes down to this desire to be 'normal', and normal people work right? Or do they? After all, not that long ago it was much more common for mothers to stay at home, become a dutiful housewife when the kids are young, which I guess is exactly what I'm doing. I think the way to go forward is to just concentrate on doing things within my limits, and make peace with that. At this point, I still am able to do much more than I expected when given my diagnosis 20 years ago, and I have two beautiful children, so I've exceeded my expectations which is great.

Thinking outside the box

I didn't consider volunteering a while ago, but then the lockdown hit and the charities I looked at weren't able to take on any volunteers. It's always something to think about in the future, if I did feel the need to get away from the house and meet some new people. I think that's the whole benefit to working though (aside from the money). You get to bond with other people, and especially if you volunteer, you automatically have that in common because you have chosen to be there. There are so many charities that need help so I'll definitely bear it in mind.

Writing for me, is extremely important at the moment too. It's cathartic, I enjoy it, and it gives me a bit of structure in the day. I'm actually starting to write a book based on my blog, and it will be really interesting to see how that turns out. I've realised I've been blogging for 10 years....so it's the longest 'job' I've ever had!

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Needless to say, working alongside MS is a challenge, I think mainly because of the unpredictability of the disease. Being ill one day , but fine the next doesn't go hand in hand with a steady job. You either need to find an extremely understanding workplace, or find something that fits around you. Depending on your field, self-employment has it's advantages and disadvantages. For one, you can listen to your body more and be more flexible. On the other hand you don't have the security, and benefits such a sick or holiday pay.

I dunno, until the day that I get paid for writing, I'm sure I'll never accept that I'll find suitable work for me. I just don't know where to start with the 'paid for blogging/writing' thing though. Maybe I should go a course?!

Confessions of a Caffeine Addict

Ok, so 'addict' might be a bit strong, but I have come the conclusion that I seriously rely on the stuff. 

I started to see a correlation between caffeine and my anxiety recently, and as a trial I went caffeine free for 3 days to see how it affected me. I can safely say, that going without caffeine affected me badly. I haven't felt so tired and ill for a long while....and that's saying something! However, having no caffeine did improve my anxiety a heap. I wasn't getting the nervous feeling I get in the morning after my initial cup of tea, and I felt more calm and regulated. The fatigue and tiredness was awful though. I just couldn't keep my eyes open! I felt low and defeated, and I was really struggling. I did think I could have had a virus or something, but I caved last night and had a cup of black tea, and I felt infinitely better. 

That brought home the fact that I was consuming a lot of caffeine during the day, just to get through. Sometimes I'd have three cups of coffee in a day, and the odd cup of tea, just to make it through the day. Weirdly it's never affected my sleeping that much (to be honest, I could sleep for England) but I've realised that I need to look at the bigger picture when trying to get my anxiety under wraps. Yes, the caffeine would get me through the day, but I was feeling anxious and unnerved. 

I've decided to still have caffeine but really pare down the amount I was having. Maybe a cup of tea in the morning, and an afternoon coffee to get me through to bedtime would be sufficient? 

It's so tough trying to juggle life, feeling well, and having energy when you have MS and mental health issues. On the one hand you want to keep going for your family, and consuming caffeine on a regular basis is one way to do this. However, you also have to think about your symptoms, particularly the anxiety, and actually I believe the caffeine was masking how exhausted I am. I've had a bit of rest this week but maybe I should be having more? But then that's hardly practical with two kids is it? 

I think it needs to be a balance. Experiment with caffeine to get me through the day, but be very aware of my symptoms when I'm consuming it and if so pare it down if need be. 

I tell you what though, I'm certainly not going to use it as a crutch anymore. I need to be more in tune with my body, and if I need to sleep during the day when the kids are at school, then so be it. That's what comes with being ill. Too often I try to mask things to carry on as 'normal' but can't help but think that that is not entirely healthy. Needless to say, I've learnt a big lesson this week.

Is caffeine really all it's cracked up to be? 

Battling the System and Accepting Limitations

I took Lib to her swimming lesson yesterday, and while I was stood around waiting (because there are never enough seats there) I started to feel a bit faint. It had been a busy day, and taking them up to swimming is always a bit of a struggle. 

5 minutes later someone stood up from their seat to leave, and after looking around to see if anyone was going to take it, I swooped in and plonked my bum down. 

But, I ask you? Why did I do that? Why did I look around to check?  I needed it. I should have confidently taken that chair for myself, and been OK about it. I'm disabled.

It got me thinking about how tricky it is navigating a invisible illness. I was automatically checking for anyone older who may need it, even though I was in desperate need. I was so concerned about not looking rude, I was willing to bypass my own health. Looking 'well' and not appearing disabled means you put yourself out there for rudeness and glances from people, automatically assuming that I'm well and taking up a chair someone else may need. I felt like I needed to turn round and say to everyone "it's alright, I have MS" - which is a sorry state of affairs. 

Have I actually come on at all in 20 years since my diagnosis? I feel like I'm better at accepting my limitations now but maybe not. I came to the conclusion that it's actually the way society is that has got in the way of me accepting my limitations. 

After all, we are run by government guidelines that, following my PIP assessment (whereby I was struggling with my stick because I was so run down from the stress of it all) that I needed no mobility help at all. 

This has meant my disabled badge is no longer valid and has now expired.

I feel like the whole system has just turned around and given me the finger, because according to them I'm fit and well and can cope. But I can't. How is that supposed to make me feel?

It makes me feel like I'm a fraud and a charlatan if I take a chair in a swimming pool viewing area when I'm feeling ill. It makes me feel anxious and self conscious about just looking out for my own health when I have an incurable disease. According to the government I shouldn't be struggling, and if I am then maybe that's a failure on my part. I feel like I get it shoved down my throat, this concept of 'not being ill enough to ask for help', that I've just stopped asking for help. Which I guess is what they want, so the system works. Hurrah for them!

I've even tried to get in touch with the hospital appealing for a letter to go with another blue badge application, but I've had no luck. I mean, they are insanely busy, but I was hoping that if anyone would understand then it would be them.

I'm welling up now, because it all just feels so helpless sometimes. 

Without a blue badge I can't guarantee that I can park close and be able to walk to and from places without pain or stiffening up. I can't go into the city centre, because I know I won't be able to park on double yellows if I need to for lack of parking and car-parks are never close enough to where I need to go. Again, if I apply direct to the council for a badge I need to go through a physical assessment and I'm somehow meant to illustrate that on some days I can't walk, and others I can. I guess their answer is, "well only go out on the days when you can", which for a disabled mother with two young children is an impossibility. 

Huh. Writing this has actually made me want to fight this. Perhaps I should write a letter direct to my consultant? Maybe not all is lost. I should try and battle the system. This need in society to be thinner, fitter, more beautiful, richer, healthier (the list goes on) is doing my head in. We're constantly told we are not good enough. And if that is because of someone incurable like MS then it's just simply unfair. 

 I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

Busy times

It has been a busy and difficult week....

Firstly we finally did our (me, and my friends Rowan and Elaine - along with the PTFA) clothes sale at school. This clothes sale has used up the majority of my energy over the last month. Firstly, we had the clothes donated, then they came to my house to be sorted. Then I collected 12 rails from a church nearby (with my friend Nairn), and 400 hangers from the local shopping centre. It was a lot of running around for me, and a lot of sorting over the past few weeks. However, as much as I ached and felt tired, I got through it! The actual clothes sale wasn't quite as busy as I would have liked, but we made about £200 which was good. The whole experience was really full on, but I do feel a sense of achievement after it. I was worried it was going to put me off joining the PTFA, but it hasn't. I have realised that I need something to keep my mind busy once Ed starts school in September. Without something to keep my mind busy, my anxiety shoots through the roof! It's tricky though because talking to people I don't know makes me feel anxious, so joining the PTFA could be anxiety inducing....yet I'm doing it because I'm hoping it will help my anxiety! Catch-22. I think the reason I want to make myself do it is because it will hoping put me out of my comfort zone, ready for me to do hypnobirthing training and setting up the business next year. 

Only time will tell whether it helps.

Talking of anxiety though, there have been two brilliant documentaries I've seen recently about anxiety and depression, that I wanted to tell you about.

The first was Louis Theroux's: Mothers on the Edge, which covered mothers living on a mental health unit after giving birth. It made me feel extremely emotional because it brought back how I felt after giving birth and beyond.  The anxiety and awful depression, did, in my eyes, impact on my relationship with the children when they were young. I always felt a lack of connection because of the depression, and found it all just so overwhelming. As one mother said, you're taught that you'll receive this rush of love when you see your child, and for me, and her, it just didn't happen. Obviously I knew that I loved them, but the depression and anxiety got in the way of those feelings and just put thoughts of self-doubt into my head. It was a tricky time, and the documentary brought it all back. 

The second documentary, was Nadiya: Anxiety and Me. This followed baker and celebrity Nadiya Hussain as she started CBT therapy for her anxiety that she had been dealing with since a very young age. Weirdly watching it, made me feel more anxious myself. Nadiya suffers worse than me, but it brought those feelings home again. Like me, Nadiya found that she needed to keep busy to combat her anxiety and panic attacks. Luckily I haven't had a full blown panic attack for a while, but I often feel on the edge of one.  One interesting tip was not to breathe in and out to try and calm breathing because often this can make things worse. Instead you need to go to the source, of why you are panicking in the first place. As I learnt in my CBT training, you need to stop, take a step back, assess the situation and try and look at the feeling objectively. 

Now I've calmed down a bit though, I thought a spot of writing would help - hence this blog post. 

One great thing that happened this week, was that I met up with my friends from the Living with MS course I took last year! We finally got around to it, and it was lovely. 

It was so nice to be around people that you know really 'get' MS because they live and breathe it too. Hopefully we'll be meeting up again soon. 

What else happened this week......of course! It was Ed's birthday!! (I told you it was a busy week!)

My little man is now 4 and growing up at the rate of knots. It was a lovely day, and full of all things Lego and Star Wars related. I made his cake after a final clear out and tidy up at school after the clothes sale (I never want to see a rail or hanger again!!) and impressed myself. 

Ok, so as with all of my cakes, you never want to look too closely at the details (I can't ice a cake to save my life!) but Ed didn't seem to mind. He was just chuffed he got a Jabba the Hutt to add to his Lego collection. :D

So there you go, it's all been whirldwind of clothes, cake and birthday fun. We've got Ed's proper party on Saturday then hopefully we're going away to West Bay in Dorset again for a few days in half term. Living life to the MAX. :)

My not-so-little boy, with his not-so-little cake!