Crisis of Confidence

Launched into my 40s feeling great, but now I have a complete crisis of confidence and I feel like things are crashing down a bit. 

I was shrugging things off, but 

when I try to explain how I felt to my friends I was close to tears, which is a sure sign that there's a problem.  

However, I couldn't quite put my finger on what the one problem was (maybe it's more than one!) 

I guess the main problem though is that I've finally accepted that I can't work, which is really depressing me. I actually applied for two jobs at the beginning of last month on a whim. The first sounded PERFECT. It was working for a disability charity based in London, part time, working from home flexibly, and you needed 'lived experience' of a disability. The fact that I could potentially be working for an employer that truly understood disability and the limitations it has on working life made me excited. Sadly I didn't get the job (though I got a lovely response from them), but it felt good to get my CV up to date and apply for something. I also applied for a local job as an administrator, just 10 hours a week, so it would have been nice, but I didn't hear back from them. 

I had convinced myself that working is doable then of course, I have another bad patch. Spending random days resting/sleeping isn't conducive to a working lifestyle and I felt relief that I didn't get either jobs. I forget what it's like when I'm feeling well, which is crazy because it's not like I haven't had my conditions for YEARS and I know that it's not going away. When I'm well, I feel truly happy which gives me confidence to take on the world! Then that confidence evaporates and I crash, left feeling depressed and a failure. It's a vicious cycle. 

In my last post, I talked about what a relatively stress-free life I had, enabling me to look after my health properly, and if I found a job, I could potentially jeopardise this and make my health worse. 

Would it be worth it? No...I don't think so. 

So yes it's with a heavy heart that I've finally accepted I'm not well enough to work. If it was just the MS that's one thing, but it's the bipolar that is potentially more problematic when working. More importantly I've accepted that things aren't going to change and in fact they may get worse. However it's a bitter pill to swallow. 

Having a job and getting a bit of money would psychologically make me feel more independent which is important to me as a disabled woman. I know I don't need to work financially because Si is happy to support us all, but having some sort of independence is important to me. 

So I can't have a conventional 'job'. But I don't want to be stuck in the house all the time, feeling sad like I'm missing out on something. The prospect of what I'm going to do with my time is overwhelming me. There's a large part of me that wants to do something where I can convince myself that I'm 'normal'. Then I have to slap myself on the wrist because 'normal' is a bad word and it's not healthy thinking.  

What is normal anyway?!

I guess I will think on. I'm heading up to Cleethorpes to see my family for a few days, so I think removing myself from home and getting some headspace will do me good. 

Help me out though! If you have any ideas for anything remotely creative I can do, from home, flexibly, that will provide me with a bit of pocket money and give me a sense of well being, please be my guest! I've done a sewing business, I've done the cakes.... what can I turn my increasingly desperate mind to now?!