Dealing with an Emotional Child

Health Update

A couple of weeks ago, I was suffering from spasticity and other symptoms......I'm pleased to say things have calmed down. 

I spoke to my consultant on the Friday who, when I told her my symptoms, was sure it wasn't a relapse. Thank lordy! She is going to refer me to physio for my right leg (which keeps stiffening up when I walk), and I have to talk to the doctor about my arm which is still bothering me. 

Now I'm feeling better though, I look back and realise that I was panicking for little reason. I've had so many pseudo relapses whist on Tysabri, you'd think I'd know the pattern by now. However, when you're in the moment, feeling like poop, it's hard to see the wood for the trees. It's been 6 years since my last relapse, so I find it hard to remember what it really feels like. 

The Emotional Rollercoaster

This week has been an emotional one for me. We're finding Ed's behaviour very challenging, and as I've dipped into a depressive state, it's taking it's toll. Ed's always been very sensitive, but as he gets older, his mood swings are becoming more pronounced. He lashes out, shouts, and throw things (the classic tantrum) when he doesn't get his own way. Obviously he's bigger now though, so the effect is more alarming. 

The 7 year Milestone and Adrenarche

The 7th year is a bit of milestone in a child's development. Not only will reading and writing move in leaps and bounds, but they become to be more aware of their surroundings, and their place in the world. I found this useful article that also describes how children become more empathetic. It doesn't feel like that most of the time, because Ed seems to get lost in his feelings, but a case in point, I couldn't help but get upset the other night due to another battle to get him to bed. I was super tired, and his behaviour just hit me at the wrong moment. I started crying and after a few minutes, he stopped what he was doing, and came over and gave me a big hug and told me he loved me. I thought we had turned a corner, but alas, the behaviour came back the next day. 

It's also a milestone hormonally, as adrenarche kicks in. This is the 'awakening of the adrenal gland' responsible for making hormones. 

"you may notice your 7- or 8-year-old seems angry or tearful for no reason as they struggle to process their emotions. They may start falling out with their friendship groups or their behaviour may seem uncharacteristic."

This makes a lot of sense to me, as I know how highly tuned Ed is. I can also see it in his friends, and the changing way they deal with one another.  

 

Dealing with an emotional child 

Like I say, I've found the whole situation very hard to deal with, especially as I feel emotionally vulnerable myself at the moment. I looked on google for some tips on how to deal with an emotional child and came across some great advice from real parents.  

"Be open and honest, even if it’s difficult at times."

"Be empathetic. Do not give them a solution. Rather coach them in finding a solution."

"Love them in those moments as this IS when they NEED you the most!"

"Try to understand that the problems they are facing are a huge deal to them. Recognise that they have real issues, albeit unrealistic to you."

Getting to the bottom of things

We suspected that Ed wasn't happy about something outside of the home, and when we quizzed him, he confessed that some of his friends had been unkind to him in the classroom and at play. This also actually happened a couple of months ago where there was an incident at play where he was surrounded and people were throwing grass at him. We spoke to the teacher and she said she'd keep at eye on him, but it appears the problems are persisting. One thing I will say though, is that all his peers are obviously going through the same thing emotionally at the moment, so I think it's easy for games to get out of hand, and comments made to be taken on board as hurtful. These are emotional kids we're talking about! Ed seems to still want to play with everyone, so I don't think he considers himself bullied by anyone in particular, I think it's more that a little fly away comment or action by someone is really hitting home at the moment. 

The time in the day when it's at its worst is bedtime though. It's a melting pot of emotions and tiredness, and since it's been lighter in the evenings Ed's finding it really hard to settle down. This means if Si and I are both tired, it makes it doubly challenging. Bedtime can take around 2 hours at the moment and often it is 9.30/10pm before he falls asleep. Obviously these later nights are going to play havoc with him anyway, so it feels like we just can't win at the moment!

Moving On

I must try and get my emotions in check when dealing with Ed, though it's easier said than done. However, the other night, I think it actually helped Ed to see me upset because it brought home that his actions have consequences. I'm me, and I'm just doing my best. If I get upset so be it. However, when I'm not depressed it's a lot easier to deal with because I feel less raw. 

Bedtime is a challenge, but I half think we should just stop the battling and let him go when he's tired. However, that could easily bite us in the behind as he stays up later and later because of the novelty. The summer holidays might be the time to experiment. I find the whole bedtime routine challenging though because I get so tired and exhausted by 8pm, so often I have to go to bed myself, leaving Si with the brunt of it. He's a true SuperDad!

I know this phase will pass, but in the eye of the storm, it's hard to imagine.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Bipolar and MS - 6 years on

6 years ago, I had hit rock bottom. 

It was a year after giving birth to Ed, and I just couldn't cope anymore. To say I had a nervous breakdown is putting it mildly. I was visibly twitching, flitting between being completely depressed to being highly manic in the space of what seemed like minutes, and was on the verge of suicide. 

My family rallied around me, and the crisis team were called, referring me to a psychiatrist for an emergency appointment. 

I went from being in a state of extreme despair, to thinking there wasn't a problem, all the while constantly moving and twitching my hands. It was a confusing and scary time. I felt like I had no control over myself. The crisis team were amazing, and referred me to a psychiatrist for an emergency appointment. 

I remember sitting in his room, trying to control my twitching, and the mentioning of Bipolar Disorder. He asked if I had thought that that's what could be wrong with me...and suddenly it all clicked into place. 

I knew a little about bipolar disorder, as my aunt had been diagnosed, and when he explained the ups and downs, the depressed and manic periods that occur with bipolar it made a lot of sense. So much so, that it was picked up that I had been suffering for a long time, but had no diagnosis.

I had suffered from depression since first being diagnosed with MS 20 years ago, and would have manic periods of not being able to sit still, periods of obsession, etc, but in those instances I always just thought that was 'normal'. After all, when you're manic you just feel incredibly happy. 

Photo by micheile .com on Unsplash

But what is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that affects your moods, which can swing from one extreme to another. It used to be known a manic depression.

How it affects me

Like the description says, I swing from one extreme to another. In the beginning I would go from extremely depressed to as high as a kite, really quickly. 

In my depressive state I am sad, feel lonely, feel a sense of dread and fear, have headaches, muscle aches, fatigue, and just can't function. I just want to sleep, which is hard when you have children. 

When I flip to a manic period I feel happy, excited, am ultra creative, become obsessed with small things and details no one would be bothered by, feel energetic (to the point where I struggle to sleep), have a lack of appetite, talk quickly and laugh...well....manically. 😂 

When I was first diagnosed, I would literally flit between the two within the hour, even within minutes, which was soooo exhausting. When I was manic I was convinced there was nothing wrong, and it was a big fuss over nothing. When depressed, I just wanted to die. 

I am so grateful that my family and crisis team could see it for what it was and referred me straight away. I was put on a medication called Aripriprazole, which stops the ultra highs (I still get manic, but not to the same extreme) and I was already on Citalopram to help the lows and my anxiety. 

Luckily the mediation did the trick and it calmed the situation down. I now feel stable when it comes to my bipolar, and yes, I still get highs and lows, they are a lot less disruptive than they used to me. 

Reflecting at 6 years on

It was World Bipolar Day on the 30th March, and it made me reflect on how far I've come over the last 6 years. 

When I was first diagnosed I was discharged from the psychiatrist after about 9 months, which was good, as the drugs did their thing. Sure they've been tweaked since then, but overall I've been happy with my medication. 

Bipolar is a tricky disorder to manage anyway, but throwing MS into the mix? That's upping the level! The hardest thing for me with having bipolar and MS, is that sometimes my mind forgets that I have physical limitations. I'll be manic and feeling on top of the world, unable to sit still and becoming so focused on things, I can't see the wood for the trees and feel my fatigue creeping in. I push myself too far and inevitably burn myself out. My brain doesn't allow me to stop and think 'now you're getting tired, you should rest'. It just has to go gun-ho at everything. 

It's a huge challenge and one I still haven't mastered. It's easy for others to say 'just rest', but when your brain is going ten to the dozen, it's nearly impossible to. 

My bipolar will never go (they explained I'd be on my medication for life) but it's undoubtedly part of me now. I find myself looking forward to the highs (which are few and far between now....my last manic episode was about 4 months ago) because of the creativity it brings. It's so hard to feel creative when you are low. I am more aware of how dangerous manic periods can be though...and try to take it easy to reduce the chances of burn-out. 

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Trying to get my head around diet....again!

My IBS has flared up again in a big way, so it's left me analyzing my diet again. 

I became a vegan at the end of last year, so on the one hand have been eating more healthily with plenty of fruit and veg. On the other hand, I'm relying on vegan processed food (such a cheese and meat substitutes) for my protein sources. I was so busy with The Natural Cupcake Company I relied on convenience foods a lot, and as a result, I think it's been detrimental to my, and the households, health. 

I watched a great documentary the other day (called What Are We Feeding Our Kids? on BBC iplayer), which really hit it home how much we rely on processed foods and how damaging they can be. I came out of it, determined to get back to cooking from scratch and not reaching for the convenience foods if I'm having a bad day. 

But as usual, it's the 'having a bad day' that scuppers things. I've started to plan to get round it though, and by doing more batch cooking I can hopefully have healthier alternatives in the fridge and freezer. I need to get out of the mind set of comfort eating when I'm not feeling well. After all I feel crap about 75% of the time, so it's no wonder the weight has crept on! 

That teamed with the Covid lock-down where I totally used cooking and baking as a way to alleviate boredom, and therefore ate a great deal more so I have put weight on. That's not going to help. 

IBS is common in people with MS, and constipation can be cause by the disease interrupting messages telling you that you need to go. Depression can also affect your bowels, and regularity. 

I never have a two days the same regarding my IBS though, so it's hard to work out the best way to tackle it. I think definitely cutting back on processed and fatty food is the way to start though. 

It got me thinking about the OMS (Overcoming Multiple Sclerosis) diet again though. It's basically the Swank diet reinvented. (If you've read the blog, you'll know that I've followed the Swank diet on and off for years). I think the reason I've gravitated towards the OMS diet instead, is because it's more up-to-date and relevant in this day and age. After all, the Swank research came out over 50 years a go (my consultant had never even heard of it)!

Whether Swank, or OMS, both diets advise you not to eat processed foods. So there we go. Decision made. And one that's not just good for me, but for the whole household. 

I'll write another blog post soon outlining the OMS diet, how to do it, and why it's beneficial. Very basically though, it's a plant based diet incorporating fish (which I'll omit, being a vegan) and cutting back on saturated fat. It's meant to reduce inflammation and provide MS sufferers with a basis to live a well balanced and healthy life. So it's worth getting on the band wagon, without a doubt. 

Get used to salads, girl!

The Overdue Revival of TinglyMum

Hello all!

It's been two years since I last posted something....shock horror!

Since then we've had a worldwide pandemic in the form of Coronavirus and well....hasn't it just been peachy! *rolls eyes*

What an utter s**t show of a year. We've gotten through it though as a family, battened down the hatches, got our heads down and coped with it. Trust me, we know how lucky we are. We're in good health and there's a lot to be said for that. 

This pandemic has made me consider life differently. 

For starters, my health, and the health of my family is the most important thing to me. I've always put the pressure on my self to work despite my health issues, and I'm not really sure why. Because of Si's work, I'm in the lucky position where I don't need to, so I should be ok with that. I think society and the pressure to be 'SuperMum' has done damage. After all, I have it stuck in my head that aside from being a good Mum, I also have to work. Well, enough of that I say! It's taken me a long while, but I've finally come to terms with the fact that my health (and mental health in particular) makes working EXTREMELY hard. 

During lockdown I convinced myself that I needed to work FOR my mental health. I was so scared I was going to become bored, sleep more, and therefore become depressed. I was desperate to give my days some major purpose. So I re-started my vegan cupcake business, called The Natural Cupcake Company to give me some focus once the kids had gone back to school (albeit briefly it turns out!). The business was a success though! I had a good product, the business was selling well, and I finally thought I knew what I wanted to do. 

However, things quickly turned a bit sour. 

I enjoyed it, no doubt, but I could tell it was starting to be a struggle. I started to get stressed and anxious if I got an order in that was last minute, and I HATED delivering around Bristol. I carried on though, and I got steadily busier. I had an extremely busy Christmas and Mother's Day, and then WHAM. That was it. My body had reached it's limit, and I was forced to my bed for a week with a pseudo relapse (a pseudo relapse, is one that mimics an actual relapse, but no damage is occurring in the brain - it's often brought on by stress). I knew it wasn't a full blown relapse because my symptoms, though bad, weren't getting steadily worse, so I phoned the hospital and we agreed to sit it out and see what happens. I'm back to normal now, but the 'relapse' has taken its toll. 

I temporarily closed the business while I was ill, and now I can't bring myself to go back to it. I get really bad anxiety when I have to bake now, which is such a shame. I used to love it. These shadows of bad things that happen still haunt me. And that's what I've come to realise...my mental health plays such a big part in whether or not I can work - not just my MS. I have to aim to keep things balanced, not just for me, but for my friends and family too. Everyone who helps me get through my little ol' life. 

So there you have it. I've tried being a cupcake mogul, and it didn't work out. I have anxiety, bipolar, and MS. Maybe I'm just not cut out for working...and that needs to be A-OK. It dawned on me that maybe the drive to be 'focused' on something, needs to just be reassessed. After all, maybe my 'focus' should be ME. There are things I can do to keep busy, to stop the boredom creeping in, and I think I've finally learnt that keeping as relaxed as possible benefits, not just me, but my whole family. 

Coming out of lockdown, after having both vaccines, I'm philosophical about what life means to me. And how health is the most important thing. I need to shake off this feeling that I need to please all people at all times, and concentrate on being the best I can be for myself and my family. Whether this means investing on getting fit, on eating well, doing yoga, meditation, taking time out to be sociable (something I'm really not very good at), reading a book.....or WRITING (the thing I love to do, but have neglected something chronic), it will all fall into place I'm sure.  

I'm just glad I've climbed out of another MS/anxiety hole again. I had a panic when I was ill this time that I was stepping into 'secondary progressive MS' territory and it scared the hell out of me. It was my 20 year MS 'anniversary' this April just gone, so in the back of my mind I keep thinking....surely it's gonna happen at some point, right? But then.....maybe not. Maybe I'll be lucky. Another good reason to invest in me, stay away from stress, and live well. 

And talking of living well....I became a vegan last year and it suits me. Don't get my wrong...I have the odd slip but overall I'm eating a much better diet and I'm basically on the Swank diet again. My biggest weakness is turning to processed food when I'm tired, but now I'm really going out of my way to avoid it where possible. I definitely notice a difference in symptoms when I eat 'badly' so I've just got to make sure I stick with it. I'm still amazed that after having MS for 20 years, not medical person has ever mentioned that having a good diet could help things. My consultant had never even heard of the Swank diet. But diet is so so important. I mean, it has to be right? It's the fuel we use. 

So despite all the panic and awfulness that's been going on in the world, I feel calm and reassured that as a long term MS sufferer, bipolar nutjob, anxiety whacko, I'm in a very good place right now and my future looks bright. And, my dear readers, I will endeavour to bring you more tales of life, love, motherhood and MS soon!

Me loving life. It was a hot day, and I still 

managed two dog walks....now THAT is progress!

Exciting news....then The Crash

So after Christmas I thought I was down.
Well, the crash that followed showed me that I wasn't really depressed at all, just a bit low.

But let me start at the beginning.
Before Christmas I was thinking a lot about what I really wanted to do when Ed started school. After all, I knew it wouldn't be good for my mental health to just stay at home with nothing to do. I need to try and stay occupied to distract me.
I did think a lot about copy writing, but I just couldn't bring myself to feel enthusiastic about it. Not a very good start for a possible career!

I thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that I needed to do something that helps people. I'd also love to work with pregnant women and families and they start their fantastic journey. So I finally settled on training to become a hypno birthing instructor! I did hypno birthing with both Lib and Ed and it was an amazing experience.

Now, starting a whole new career is a big thing to take on for me but I feel like I can do this. Following advice from my cousin (she does it too) I realised that it might actually work really well...especially doing one-on-one sessions. So I'm going to take the plunge!

However, I got ahead of myself. I was so excited at the new venture (even though my training won't be until the end of the year) that I went into a manic period. I could not stop thinking about it, and subsequently couldn't sleep.

So what happens after a manic period. Yep. The Crash. My mood dropped and I fell into a depression. It hasn't been a very nice week, but now that I'm feeling brighter I'm still enthusiastic about the training which is a really good sign. Often when I latch onto something when I'm manic then when I find it hard to maintain the interest when I'm back to normal, but I'm still raring to go. Just in a much more measured and relaxed way! I've just got to learn to take my time with things so my mood stays stable. Using mindfulness has helped once again - another reason why I want to teach it to people. :)

I have a feeling it's going to be an exciting year!

Nope I'm not pregnant!!

Getting over the New Year Blues

Generally speaking I don't tend to suffer from the blues after Christmas - not the 'rubbish!..everything is going back to normal' blues anyway. I actually like the taking down of the tree, and getting everything back to normal.

But this year I just can't seem to shake myself out of a funk. Christmas was fun, but I think it's so much build up, and I've been so tired that it's taken its toll. My health has undoubtedly been better, which is amazing, but last month I really struggled to pace myself in a bid to get everything ready for the big day. And that's just it isn't it....it's essentially one day. Once the presents were opened and the shine somewhat diminished, I was ready to try and get back to normality. What a humbug. In fact as soon as the tree came down we had a big clear out of old toys games, which felt great but was short lived.

I think the issue is that I struggle with things out of the ordinary. I struggle if I'm taken out of my usual routine, and Christmas in particular kicks up things that are an anxiety sufferers nightmare. You have to socialise for one, which on a good day can be tricky enough, but when tired it becomes so much harder. You have to physically do more (like shop) which is bad for the MS and fatigue (thank god for online shopping though!), and you get invited to things that you desperately want to do because it's festive and happy, but when you're tired, you just aren't feeling it. You have to cram things in to your ordinary busy schedule during the Christmas period, and that's never good for me because I tend to feel overloaded very quickly.

Moan moan moan moan moan.
No, of course it's a lovely time of year, it's just a challenge. And that's why the blues have been so bad because truth be told, I'm knackered. But how to help?
Well of course, first things first I need to catch up on rest rest rest. Now the kids have gone back to school that's my first priority. I slept all morning yesterday and it has helped a great deal. Having a few days a week to get some 'head space' has also been good. Just a few hours to get my head back into the swing of things. Plus, now that we're back into a bit of a routine my anxiety has calmed down again.

Things are looking up. This is a new year, and one full of a whole new set of adventures with the kids and achievements, however small they may be. I'm hoping to start some sort of freelance work (maybe in copy writing) when Ed starts school to keep my brain ticking over. It's going to be a shock to the system having both kids at school all day. First and foremost though, I need to make sure I take the time to look after myself in 2019. I'm sure I say that every year, but I do think I'm getting better at it.

Yep the blues will go, and good times will happen, I've just got to make sure I use my CBT techniques to keep on top of everything this year.

Happy New Year!

Living with MS course - the conclusion

Last week saw the last day of my Living with MS course, and I really felt rather sad.

I realised how much I would miss being part of something like this. It was really good for me, meeting others who have MS, and being able to go through the therapy process together was supportive and reassuring. There's nothing quite like someone piping up and saying 'oh, I know exactly how you feel!' and you being able to believe them!

We became a support for each other, and I'm really going to miss having that weekly session.

But what has the course done for me?

Well, for starters I think it's helped my anxiety. I learnt lots of tools through the ACT and CBT systems that have helped me to rein in that feeling of dread and the other symptoms I was having. There were a couple of weeks where I felt too anxious to go, but I made myself which deserves a theoretical 'pat on the back'. I was proud of myself that I conquered it...but knowing I was going to a safe supportive place really helped the process.

I also learnt some really good mindfulness techniques. My favourite, because it was so simple, was just taking time to look at your hand. When you stop and concentrate on all the lines, textures and variations of colour, it's really very relaxing. Also it seemed like the best one I could do when stressed and out and about.

There were a few really good analogies that we were taught in our CBT lessons that I will take with me and use. One in particular, was imagining that we live our lives on a boat. We try and head in one direction, but sometimes things happen that alter our path. Sometimes there are stormy seas, and sometimes the other passengers (such as negative feelings) on the boat are altering our path also. Sometimes in life you just have to moor up on an island and take a break, which is something that really resonates with me having had periods with the bipolar and MS when life just gets too much.

Another thing that I found effective in the ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) side of things was to reassess the goals and values I have. There were goals that I have never achieved (such as working in television, but I have always stuck by my values (such as being a good Mum to the children). Sometimes goals and values conflict, but that part of the course helped me reassess what was more important to me, which of course is being there for the kids, my husband and living a happy and healthy (as much as possible anyway!) life.

As for anything else...that's all I can remember!! Luckily they gave out handouts! 😀
Ironically, the week discussing cognitive issues in MS, was an overload of information and a lot of it didn't sink in. I do remember being told how problems with memory (which I kind of knew) can be affected by tiredness and fatigue - which makes sense. There are certain levels of cognitive ability, and if you're tired it basically all goes to shit! So that explains a lot! At least it's reassuring to think that it's not my MS getting worse, just the fact that I rarely get a good nights sleep.

Anyway, if any of you with MS or anxiety/depression ever get a chance to do an ACT or CBT course, I say go for it! It's really helped and I've met lovely people. I'm determined to continue practising mindfulness on those bad days - though with Christmas coming up it's hard to practice  because I'm so busy. On the other hand, at least I'm distracted!!

No stormy seas at the moment!

Living with Anxiety

I've called this post 'Living with Anxiety' because I have to do exactly that. Try and live life alongside it. When I have an MS relapse life kind of stops because it has to. I can't physically carry on, so I have no choice but to lie back and let it happen to my body. Even with my depression I have periods where it's just impossible to get out of bed, so things have to work around it.

With my anxiety though, I feel like it's different. All week I've been having panic attacks, my vision has been swimming, I've been close to tears, I've had headaches, shakiness, been sweating profusely, been achy, restless, and on occasion had a rapid heartbeat. All of that is topped off with a huge feeling of dread. I can't sleep through it, because I'm restless and agitated, and of course I have the kids to deal with. I'm functioning enough to get through the day, but my lordy it has been a struggle this last week.

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THE NEXT DAY

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I waited until the next day to finish my post but a cloud of depression has come over me. I can always tell as soon as I open my eyes in the morning if it's apparent. I've managed to do nothing but sleep so I'm making myself write this so I can at least go to bed feeling like I've achieved something.

This week has been a bugger.

But in the spirit 'keeping calm and carrying on', and spurred on by my therapy, I want to take some action. I can't just sleep away my problems, so it's time to try and help myself a bit. Firstly, the anxiety.

So what to do (aside from sit in a corner and weep)? Well, luckily on my 'Living with MS' course yesterday I learnt a lot about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) techniques to deal with said anxiety. The key it seems is taking a step back from those thoughts, recognising them for what they are, and realising what the triggers have been, if any.

Well, my trigger has undoubtedly been the fact that on Saturday, Libby (my 7 year old) is travelling to London on a Brownie trip. My anxiety has made me become irrational and focus on all the 'what ifs' like 'what if she gets lost?', 'what if someone takes her?', which of course, on analysis, are all fears that are unhelpful. This is, in the CBT world, is called 'catastrophising', where you always dwell on the worst case scenario. Everyone does it, but most people can take those thoughts and dismiss them again as being over-blown. An anxiety sufferer on the other hand, takes it, dwells on it, panics about it, and convinces themselves that it will come true. Of course, my MS has not helped matters. After all, if walking wasn't an issue I would be able to go along too and put my mind at rest.

So according to CBT, I have to learn to take a step back when thinking these thoughts. For example, instead of thinking 'I'm worthless', step back and think to yourself 'I'm having the thought I'm worthless'. Taking this step allows you to stop the thought becoming all-encompassing, and instead become more subjective. There was also a method, whereby you write down the distressing thought, and quantify it by giving it a percentage. When I first started to get stressed by Libby going to London, I was 80% sure she was going to get lost. After writing it down and taking a metaphorical step back, I could see that this was ridiculous.

I also decided to take the bull by the horns and get in touch with the Brownie leader to ask about what safe-guarding they had in place. Now this normally would make me cringe at the thought of seeming like an over-protective Mum, but then I thought - maybe I am? Maybe it's self-preservation? After all, I know deep down I wouldn't be able to cope if anything ever happened to the kids, so yeah, maybe I am over-protective. Needless to say though, the response from the Brownie leader, and seeing it written down really put my mind at rest so I'm glad I did it.

So that's anxiety...what about the depression?
Well, despite it being horrible today, it has seemed like an old friend compared to the anxiety. With depression I kind of know where I am with the symptoms, and I know it tends to pass. With anxiety, the symptoms make me feel so wound up it makes me panic even more, and feels uncomfortable.

MS is one thing. Anxiety another. But living with anxiety, depression and MS is just too much for me today. I say today, because I try and believe that things can always be better tomorrow, so it's best to live each day as it comes. Let's hope for sunshine tomorrow.

The fraught face of anxiety. 

Turning a Corner

This post is long overdue. It's been 9 months since I last wrote something, and a lot has changed.
I had a tendency in the past to only write during the bad times, I guess because it was a good release for me, but as a few people have said to me now, I shouldn't neglect the good times.

This year has bounded by in a flash. I'm feeling the benefits of autumnal weather again (though it must be said that it's unseasonably warm today) and I'm slowing getting myself in shape. Physically and mentally.

Stage One - mental.
After a bad period of depression again, I was referred to the neuropsychology team at the hospital who after a consultation signed me up for group therapy. A course called 'Living with MS' and it's a combination of CBT and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). I go every Wednesday for 2 hours,  and the whole course is for 10 weeks. I'm three weeks in and so far it's going great! It's hard work for me (I always leave feeling pretty drained...information overload) but it's really helped to share some of my feelings and experiences, and a marvel to have people actually understand fully what I'm going through. We're all helping each other through the negative thoughts and feelings we've had since our diagnosis, and learning different ways to cope with those feelings. The most valuable thing for me so far, has been meeting other people with MS. There's a real mix of us - some newly diagnosed, some not, some old, some young, male and female. Hopefully we can all use the course to our benefit, and to be honest it just feels nice to finally be getting some help with my mental health. For too long I've relied solely on medication, and like my psychologist says, that can only solve part of the problem. So fingers crossed, by Christmas I should be feeling brighter, and more in control of my depression and anxiety. As well as learning some valuable skills to cope in the bad periods. I will go into more detail on the course in the coming weeks.

Stage Two - physical.
Now, if you've read my blog before, then you know I've struggled with my weight over the years, and have tried various diets (nothing extreme, I have to say) over the years but still the weight has crept up. My downfall is that when I feel ill I comfort eat, and as you can imagine I feel ill a lot! The problem though is that when I'm comfort eating I'm normally not in the frame of mind, or physically able for that matter, to exercise. Hence the weight goes on. The fact is that if I could manage more exercise, then I'd probably feel mentally better and less likely to eat crap. Vicious circle.
Hey ho though. I've tried countless things, but nothing has helped, but I think I've finally cracked it. For now anyway. I've joined Slimming World. Now, yes, I agree that it seems silly to pay someone to tell you to eat healthily and cut out the crap, but for some reason, it really works. The diet is manageable, I'm eating much more fruit and veg which is great, and I don't feel like I'm missing out too many on things. You get so many 'syn' points a week to use on higher fat, sugary things, alcohol, you name it, it's got a syn value, so I can be good throughout the week and know that I can still have a much needed glass of wine, or two, at the weekend. It's doing something because I've lost 5.5 lbs so far in two weeks. It feels so great to finally be losing weight, and I feel better already. More importantly I've found a diet that works without having to do a load of exercise, which is obviously something I struggle with. I'm still managing to walk the dog at the mo, and I'm hoping to do more swimming, so in my mind that's just extra help, but not imperative to losing the weight.

So quite major, potentially life changing things. For once I feel like I'm taking control of things and it's a great feeling!

Aside from changing personal things, it feels that other things are starting to slot into place too. Ed's started pre-school so I have more free time during the week, and for once I'm not sewing. I think I mentioned the business I had (Bubbaloop) before, where I was sewing and selling (well...trying to sell) baby mobiles and other nursery items. Well, before the summer I admitted to myself that actually it was just putting a heap more pressure on me, and to be honest a sense of failure, which wasn't very nice. Every time I put a lot of time and work into something, then tried to sell it, then not sell it, it just felt like a kick in the teeth. It really didn't do much for my self-esteem, so I just thought 'why am I doing this?!'. I didn't see it as giving up, or me being a failure though. I felt I had turned a corner for finally accepting that I just needed to concentrate on myself and my health and wellbeing.

So it's all positive. It's all good. And I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls a bit writing this. It feels good to write. I should do it more often.

Ahhh....sunshine and happiness. 

(Obviously not me. Though it's kind of making me wish I had long hair again.) 

Making time for myself

So the latest bout of depression has been and gone... thank goodness.
It was a tough time, but I feel completely back to 'normal' now.
As with the nature of the Beast though, a low period means it's usually followed by a high where I try and over-compensate with the kids. This time I've tried harder though to keep myself on an even keel and it seems to be working. Things are stable but we're still managing to have some fun.

I've realised that I need to make more time for me and try to become a bit kinder to myself. Yoga has helped a huge amount with that. I started in the New Year because my back was hurting horribly. Now, at the very least, on a Tuesday and Thursday morning when Ed is at Kindergarten I take the time out to do at least half an hour. Its relaxing, good exercise and... grounding, which is really what I need. Especially with the bipolar. It makes me concentrate on myself and how I'm feeling.
I've been following a programme on YouTube called True: Your 30 Day Yoga Journey, hosted by a wonderful teacher called Adriene. I was a complete beginner (well, I still am!) and I've found the course supportive and gentle. Perfect for the MS. My back and legs have both improved through the practice and my core strength is better.
I think it helps with my confidence too because every time I complete a session I congratulate myself for turning up and giving it a go. ☺

I need to get into writing again too and keep up to date with this blog in particular. Documenting my thoughts and feelings is also a kind of therapy for me.
So here I am, at soft play while I wait for Lib to finish drama, writing this post. Having screaming kids running around me isn't quite my idea of 'me' time, but it's a start! If I can take little moments for me amongst the madness of life I'll be on the right track.

With or without health issues, it's so important for any Mum to make time for themselves. It's Mother's Day on Sunday. Make it count by doing something for you. 😃

At Playspace...trying to look sane. 

Battling depression...again

Is been a bad...no....a really shitty week.
Depression has reared its ugly head again and I've been withdrawn, sad, frustrated, and frankly exhausted since the weekend. This time has been different though, in particular I've had a sense of resignation. Normally I try and fight the depression (which actually stresses me out more) but this time I've just gone with it to an extent. I kind of feel like I have stopped looking after myself but maybe that's just the way it has to be at the moment. Who needs to shower every day anyway?!

As I said, the whole time has been beyond exhausting. All I want to do is sleep. But it doesn't help... I know it doesn't. I know that exercise and fresh air will make me feel better but it was impossible to convince myself to do it. Normally I can push through things like that but not this time.

I guess I've just been feeling sorry for myself, getting hung up on all the things I wish I could do if MS didn't get in the way. But after a pep talk from my wonderful husband I woke up this morning with a better grip on reality. As he said everyone has constraints that they get frustrated about, not necessarily physical, but constraints none the less. At the end of the day I have so much to be thankful for and just concentrating on small things have helped me to get through this.
I've decided to make note of an achievement I have accomplished every day, to try and make myself concentrate on the positive things. It doesn't need to be big...like I said, at the moment a shower is an achievement. 

Today, after an anxiety inducing school run, I managed to take the dog for a walk. I climbed to the top of a big hill then sat on the bench and just reflected. Removing myself from the house and having some space around me has really helped. The next hurdle is trying to maintain the exercise. I've started doing yoga too (well, I had before the depression kicked off) so if I can do one or the other every day that will be an achievement in itself.

I know it will pass and things will get better, but I'm afraid at how quickly the fog can come over me at the moment. If I get in the slightest bit over tired, then it can all kick off. Looking after two children (one of which is usually in the bed with us) isn't great for fending off depression. In some ways of course it helps (who doesn't love a cuddle) but when it comes to tiredness it does not.

Anyway, onward and upwards I guess, and I just need to take each day as it comes.

The Chest Infection

I'm racking my brains as to why I'm finding it so difficult to write at the moment. I don't think it's tiredness because I've caught up on a lot of sleep over the past week. I just have a severe lack of creativity at the moment. I'm just.......meh. Maybe it's down to medication? I feel like any creativeness and imagination has just been zapped away, and I'm really struggling to motivate myself. I can't even be bothered to do any beloved sewing.

Then again, it's been another tough old week so it's hardly surprising. 

I've just been on a course of antibiotics for a chest infection. Of course, things are never bloody simple where I'm concerned. I went into the doctor to get checked out for my chest, but because my blood pressure was so low she was really concerned. She started to bandy the word 'sepsis' around (sepsis is a very serious complication you can get following an infection) so I was properly on edge! I had a follow up the next morning, and she told me to go down to the hospital for some more tests. 5 hours later and 'all clears' meant I was discharged with, yep, a chest infection. 

I received brilliant care and service at the hospital, but it was so sad to see how stretched they were, and they had a real shortage of beds. Having to have a canula put in in a corridor alongside other patients was a bit of a strange experience, even though there were screens. We all looked like we were in a little holding pens.....then again, I guess we were! The whole day really took it out of me. 

I've been a good girl since though. The doctor's said rest, so for once I've been doing nothing but rest, and I think I've made a much quicker recovery because of it. 

Of course, having Tysabri when I was coming to the end of a cold probably wasn't a good move. Because it suppresses my immune system I was warned that it could make the cold worse, which it certainly did. Hey ho, I've learnt for next time. Generally though, Tysabri is still going well. I had a neurological review recently, and my consultant was really pleased with my progress. Although Tysabri can't repair damage, it's certainly been enough to push me into a good remission which is great news. 

So onwards and upwards now. They sun is shining, I'm in a happier mood, and I can't wait for summer. 

Ah. Now it all becomes clear.

If you've read this blog (or know me), then you probably already know that I'm not the brightest when it comes to seeing signs that are blaring me in the face. Seriously, I could be blinded by the dazzling light and I'd still just shrug it off and say "ah...it's probably just a virus".

The last month or so has been a prime example of this, and one (as it turns out) that has been reoccurring for years and years. I'm talking about my depression.

I have been suffering with it for about 10 years now, but it comes and goes, and I could go for quite a while between flare ups. Since being pregnant with Ed though, it's been a force to be reckoned with. I've been up. I've been down. I've done frigging loop-de-loops, and all in the constant haze of exhaustion from having a young child. It's not surprising then that things came to a rather spectacular head recently, when my body just.....snapped.

That was it. It just didn't work anymore. There was nothing of me left.

I knew it was brewing, but I was shocked and scared by how bad my depression was this time. Normally I have a part of me that is talking me round, but this time that voice wasn't there, and it scared the shit out of me. To that crazy, lonely side of me, suicide was the only option. It was the only way to make things stop. Luckily for me, there was still a sliver of me screaming to stop being such a fecking eejit, and I didn't attempt anything. Looking back now, it is unbelievable that I could feel like that. Of course I don't want to die! But that's the nature of the beast of depression, and what many people don't realise. When you reach the lows, often there is no rhyme or reason. I don't know if it's the same for others, but for me, it definitely feels like a chemical thing that just switches on and off often without any real trigger.

Because of the state I was in (I went from serious depression to manic behaviour on a knife edge, and for three days could not stop twitching constantly) I was quickly put in touch with the Crisis Team, who then sent me off to the psychiatrist*. He was great, and after an hours consultation concluded that I have (and have possibly had for about 10 years) BIPOLAR DISORDER TYPE II.

Why have I written that in capitals? I have no idea. Actually I do. I like the II...it looks grand.

So there you have it. Bipolar.
It certainly all makes sense now. The highs, the dips, the manic laughter, becoming obsessed with one little thing for a period then discarding it, never being able to stick at anything, etc etc.
Oh my god. I've just realised. I'm like a toddler!! Ha! :D
In all seriousness though, I'd say I've shown all of the typical bipolar symptoms. If anyone is interested, there is a very useful leaflet here for friends and family.

It felt like a bit of a relief to be given a diagnosis, to be honest. At least I know now that the constant uphill struggle should get better.  I had reached a point where my ups and downs were occurring so frequently that I mistook my ups and manic periods for being 'normal' alongside my lows. Now I know though that the need to do things constantly when I'm up (recently it's been sewing....constant constant sewing) is not 'normal', and soon when I find the way to manage it, I could enjoy a hobby (or, in fact, everyday life) without having to go flat out then subsequently burn myself out and hit rock bottom.

The diagnosis has also made me stop and treat it as the illness that it is. Not just a shitty symptom of the MS. Although, having said that, as an MS sufferer, I had much more chance of becoming bipolar anyway. So yet again, they go hand in hand. Hand in bloody hand.

But as always, feeling rather lucid now means that I'm looking forward, and thinking of how to jam this new piece into the puzzle of life. One day I'll have it cracked. Marks my words!

* NB: now even when I'm writing this, part of me is wincing at the term psychiatrist. I mean it sounds....serious. Like there's something seriously mentally wrong. But then, I guess there is something seriously wrong. There is still such a stigma surrounding mental health (which is luckily getting better) but even so, I feel like writing this is almost like confessing to something I'm ashamed of. I'm not ashamed though. This is me. I've been like this for years, and with a number of people not knowing there was anything wrong. If the thought of me going to a psychiatrist makes them view me differently or negatively, then that is their problem. Not mine......... *mic drop*

Belly Wrap for Pregnancy

Firstly a HUGE thank you to my friend Anna, for suggesting this to me.

This is an example of pregnancy belly wrapping that I thought I'd forward on, because even if you're not in pain, supporting your bump in later pregnancy is always beneficial. I had a long jersey wrap that I made (so much cheaper than buying an official Moby wrap and dead easy - instructions here) to use with Lib, and it was just sat in the drawer waiting for baby number 2. I didn't even twig that it might be useful before hand.

I was obviously already using Tubigrip to support my damaged muscles, but the problem with it is that because I have a burning sensation on my skin this gets irritated hugely by the course material. Also,  I was still moving the same way as before, albeit slowly, and every time I reached for something or bent over I had big shooting pains.

The great thing about wrapping the bump up instead of using Tubigrip is that because it is supported around my shoulders and back, as well as my waist, I can't twist awkwardly, and I have the muscle support if I lift anything. It's made hobbling around the house a lot more comfortable, which is great. I've seen some improvement in the pain because of the rest I've been getting this weekend, and even though the pain is still there with the wrap it feels nice to be more supported...especially if I do ever manage to leave the house over the coming weeks!

Is depression a kind of allergy?

It's like buses, right? No blog posts for a month, then two come along at once.

I just had to point out an article I read recently, because it makes so much sense to me, and I hope it offers a new insight into the treatment of depression.

The article was featured on the Guardian website in the New Year, and I'd recommend you to give it a read. http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/04/depression-allergic-reaction-inflammation-immune-system

Basically, a clinical psychologist (George Slavich) in California, after years of studying depression, has concluded that he believes depression to be the result of inflammation, and is more of a physiological condition than psychological.

Now, anyone who has read my blog will know that with me, I've always felt it was a biological thing rather than brought on by outside factors. His arguments are very interesting, and it certainly explains my depression and MS go hand-in-hand with one another.

Sadness and Depression

Yesterday I learnt about the death of the most iconic of comedians - Robin Williams. 

Rest in Peace.

I felt really upset, because it felt like he was part of my childhood. I remember watching Mork and Mindy and loving his rainbow braces. Thinking Hook was just the most magical thing I had ever seen. Watching Mrs Doubtfire with my brothers on a Sunday afternoon, and plucking up the courage to see Jumanji in the cinema even though I knew that it had lions and crocodiles jumping out at people (and I was literally scared of everything at the time). Then I grew up and discovered him as a dramatic actor, in Good Will Hunting, the brilliant Insomnia, and his utterly creepy turn in One Hour Photo. He was such a familiar face, that I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of loss and judging by the reactions around the world I am not alone.

Then I learnt that he had reportedly committed suicide due to the severe depression he was battling, and his death became all the more heart-breaking.

I have suffered from bouts of severe depression in the past (luckily it hasn't reared it's head properly in a while) and I have had those evil thoughts where things just look so lost to you that you may as well end it all. After all, when you have severe depression you already feel like you've died as a person anyway, because it just takes over and consumes you. It just feels so tempting to take the option to give up on things completely, because it's so utterly exhausting having to battle it.

The thing that I find so emotional about his tragic death, is knowing how lost and unhappy this one man must have been before he ended his life, and how tiring it must have been for him to maintain some sort of air of normality. Depression is darkness and fear that is targeting you as a person, and as far as you're concerned, no-one else. It becomes sort of a cloak that others can't penetrate and you feel protects you from others. You can be horrible and mean to others, because 'fuck it, right?' they can't get to me anyway now. It completely numbs you in such a way that the only emotions you are capable to feeling are the horrible ones, and the only thing that alleviates it is sleep when you can get a break from the aggression going on in your head. So to know that someone that made me so happy as a child, and whom I respected as an adult, was going through that pain is upsetting.

The death of Robin Williams has also made me view depression from a different perspective. It wasn't just the loss of his life that was tragic, but the loss of himself as a person, which is a process I can only assume had been happening for some time. There is such a stigma in our society towards mental illness (especially in men) that it's hard not to draw conclusions about whether a great comedian would still be alive today if things were different. Perhaps if we were less unsympathetic and ignorant towards mental illness, it would give a sufferer more breathing space and the encouragement to find the strength to battle it and allow their true selves to ignite again.

"Oh, you've got fatigue? Yeah...I get tired too". *THUMP*

Ok, so this scenario hasn't happened to me for a long time (mainly because I have hugely supportive family and friends), and I didn't actually thump the person...but blimey I felt like it!

After an awful day of fatigue yesterday I blatantly had to discuss the 'F' word. The current issue of the MS Society magazine features a great article* on fatigue, and after reading other people's experiences, it got me a-thinking...how would I describe my fatigue?

I actually have more hair than this..and glasses.....and I'm a girl.

Now, for starters, there's a big difference between tiredness and fatigue. For me, tiredness is more of a mental thing. Where my brain is fuzzy and I'm not quite with it. Sore eyes, muscles a bit tired, zoning out and staring into the middle distance...you know what I'm talking about, right?

Fatigue, is one...two...ten notches up from this, depending on the day. The fuzziness is a dense fog. Where you literally can't think. Even if you're trying really hard to focus on one thing, it ain't gonna happen because your fog lights have gone kaput.

You feel like your whole body is slowly shutting down. For me, it's the legs that go first. The muscles burn and scream, as though I've just run a marathon. I feel like every step I take is through a thick swamp.

The aches and pains come on, as though I have just come down with an awful case of the flu. I go from feeling ice cold, to feeling like my skin is burning.

This isn't me..though it's closer than the cartoon at least.

It then creeps up my body, and all of a sudden I have a coat made up of weights engulfing me, and every movement takes a huge amount of effort. Then, if it's really bad, I feel like I have a motorcycle helmet on my head, weighing me down. I struggle to keep my head upright, and sounds just don't register in the same way. 

This certainly isn't me...but this girl looks like she's struggling with it as much as I would!

It could be all of these things put together, or even just one, but one thing's for sure...it sucks. 

All of these descriptions sound very melodramatic, but as other MS suffers will know, it really does feel like this. It varies in its degree of severity, sure, and I understand why it is hard for a non-sufferer to imagine. I mean it sounds nuts that you could get symptoms like this, randomly, without any real warning, and for any length of time...but it's true. 

The fact that MS suffers are being turned down Employment Support Allowance because on a day to day basis they 'only' have fatigue, is shocking. Until you've experienced chronic fatigue, you have no idea how painful, frustrating and utterly soul destroying it can be. 

So...no. It's not the same as being tired. 

* MS Matters Issue 108, pg 22. For more info, visit www.mssociety.org.uk

The Easter Blues

I have realised I HATE Easter. With a vengeance.
Not the religious celebration of course. No no no. I hate the Easter where chocolate is rubbed under my nose at every given opportunity. It's a time when Swank-friendly substitutes just aren't cutting it. It's a time where my sanity and patience is flying out of the window as we speak. And Easter's over now for goodness sake. However the remnants of tempting things to eat are still popping out all over the place.
'Just have some flipping chocolate!' I hear people say. But no. I can't. It will be a slippery slope!

I have been in such a funk recently and I think the diet is partly to blame.
I've had a really hard time sticking to it while I've been feeling unwell. I've been cheating a bit recently, and I think it's been that that's making me feel down, because I'm going to have to really concentrate on reining it back in. Plus I get the guilt. The awful guilt that maybe my actions have made my MS worse. I had three little chocolate crispy bites last night. The shame. THE SHAME!! ;)

I found this to express my bitterness towards all those of you who have pigged out this Easter! :)

'The Thing that Shall Not be Named'

..or Depression.

I'm in danger of completely waffling on about this subject so I'll try and keep it succinct. It is an on-going issue, after all.

I've been suffering from depression on and off for the last 10 years and in the last couple of months it has started to rear it's ugly head again. Usually, I would try and carry on as best as possible, but now Lib is here it seemed important to get some meds to try and sort it.
This time around it has been coming on strong, then going again fairly quickly...just like a big black cloud that flies over. It's really knocked me for six though.

Went to the doctor last week and they've started me back on Citalopram to see how things go. I have to say that already it's lightened my mood a bit, and I'm not dwelling on things so much, so here's hoping.

The Baby Blues

About 5 days after Lib was born, I got horrendous 'baby blues'. I think I had been lulled into a false sense of security because when I came out of hospital I was in pretty good shape! I had convinced myself that I was going to be generally crippled because of the physical exhaustion of giving birth, so I definitely got ahead of myself and maybe tried to do too much.

They told me in our ante-natal class that the baby blues is caused by a drop in the hormones amplified during pregnancy, which is probably the case, but for me the 4th and 5th day was when the exhaustion really started to hit home. The combination isn't pretty!

Not only were the tears flowing pretty much constantly, but I had such strong feelings of frustration and almost sadness. I hadn't thought too much about the future and how my MS would be since earlier on in the pregnancy, but having the blues made me worry about it hugely. How was I ever going to feel normal again? I'm this tired now, but how am I ever going to catch up on my sleep? How is my condition going to affect Lib?

The thing is though, in those few days I felt utterly lost and panicked, but as the classes had said, the feelings passed as quickly as they came, and I started to concentrate on the positives again. It was a horrible time though, and luckily nothing has come close to it since.