A risk I'm no longer willing to take - written in January 2024

This post was written for Substack in January, but wanted to include it here because of what's going to happen over the next few months. I've decided to post on Substack AND here, to keep everyone in the loop. :)

-----------------------------

 - Written January 2024 - 

Been a bit anxious recently. I found out that I’m JC positive (again) at the hospital the other day and alarm bells have started ringing.

---

Photo by Diana Polekhina on Unsplash

As disease modifying treatments go for MS, I’ve been on a quite a few.

After being on a drugs trial, it started all those years ago with Rebif injections in 2003. Tried it for 4 years, and they concluded it wasn’t doing anything because I was still have the same number of relapses. Bear in mind please that I had a fear of needles, injections and HATED my autoinjector.

I changed to Copaxone in 2007. I hated that too! Injecting every day was awful. It used to take me half an hour of sitting there to pluck up the courage to do it! My mental health was not good.

Again, it was concluded that it wasn’t working, so next I gave Avonex a go (after being turned down for Tysabri) in 2008 for two years before I stopped to start trying for a family in 2010.

When I was done with having kids, the next up was Tecfidera, an oral medication. Great!’ I thought ‘no more needles!’. Yet again, Tecfidera just wasn’t doing it and when I went back to 2 relapses a year, I was accepted to start Tysabri.

That was in 2016, and started in the December of that year.

Tysabri wasn’t perfect for sure. It was a highly effective drug, but there was a higher risk of a brain infection called Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML). The risks were fairly small…I think when I first started it was about 1 in every 10,000 of patients on Tysabri.

A risk I was willing to take for a better quality of life. I was a Mum now and needed to do what I could to make things easier for me and the whole family. It wasn’t that I disregarded the risks, far from it, but I was just willing to give it a shot.

Anyway, time passes so quickly, and before I know it I’ve been on Tysabri for 7 years!

It’s been a marvel, it really has. My fatigue is better, I’m fairly stable MS wise with no major relapses since starting. Considering I was having, on average, at least 1 every year since diagnosis in that was incredible!

So what’s the hitch?

Well, they test you for something called the JC virus when on it. If you are JC positive, your chances of getting PML greatly increase. I became positive a couple of years ago for the first time, and it was a shock. It gave me a wobble, and I gained the advice of my consultant at the time. He advised to stay on it, as even though I was JC positive, the risks were still quite low. I had to weigh everything up, and I decided to stay on it.

I went back to being JC negative until recently where I got the shock again of being positive. Now I thought…I really need to think about this.

The amount of time I had been on Tysabri (the risks increase for every year taking it) plus now being JC positive again meant my chances of getting PML had increased to about 1 in 1000.

Nah. Can’t do it.

For me, that’s too high…and I’ve started feeling like a ticking time bomb (excuse the over-exaggeration).

So I have it in my mind to change, even if it means going downhill. Or having to do injections again.

The issue is that even something like Kesimpta (the drug I was thinking of changing to) there’s still a PML risk. There haven’t been any cases of PML with Kesimpta patients, but there are still risks and I guess they have to cover their backs by issuing the warning.

I feel completely between a rock and a hard place.

On the one hand, I stay on Tysabri pretty much symptom free, with a 1 in 1000 chance of developing PML. (To put things into perspective….you have 1 in 1000 chance of cracking an egg to find a double yolk. And that’s happened to me twice in the last couple of years.)

OR…I come off. Reduce the risks of PML, change to something else (as highly effective as Tysabri apparently) but potentially start to feel like sh*t again in the meantime. I’ll be at risk of a humdinger of a relapse coming off Tysabri, that could do immeasurable damage. But again….that’s a maybe. Worst case scenario kind of thing.

So yeah….I’m stressing out here folks! My gut reaction says come off Tysabri. We have an unlucky family when it comes to illness and chronic conditions, and I feel like I’m tempting fate.

I guess I need to assume I’m going to go downhill and plan accordingly. But it’s soo hard. I don’t want to go back to that state of health (or worse) that I was in before! You have to remember that I’ve been diagnosed for nearly 23 years, and so my chances of feeling better without Tysabri are waning. Disability will come creeping back.

Gah!

I think I’ve decided to come off for now, but it still needs to be signed off by my consultant and a committee before I can stop so I will keep you posted.

For now, all I can do is be proactive and positive about this change. Firstly, get healthier by eating better and looking after myself. Reduce stress as much as possible - because we all know what THAT does to MS, right? - and keep an eye out for the signs of deterioration and don’t push myself.

Best laid plans and all that!

Until next time….eeek.

Dealing with an Emotional Child

Health Update

A couple of weeks ago, I was suffering from spasticity and other symptoms......I'm pleased to say things have calmed down. 

I spoke to my consultant on the Friday who, when I told her my symptoms, was sure it wasn't a relapse. Thank lordy! She is going to refer me to physio for my right leg (which keeps stiffening up when I walk), and I have to talk to the doctor about my arm which is still bothering me. 

Now I'm feeling better though, I look back and realise that I was panicking for little reason. I've had so many pseudo relapses whist on Tysabri, you'd think I'd know the pattern by now. However, when you're in the moment, feeling like poop, it's hard to see the wood for the trees. It's been 6 years since my last relapse, so I find it hard to remember what it really feels like. 

The Emotional Rollercoaster

This week has been an emotional one for me. We're finding Ed's behaviour very challenging, and as I've dipped into a depressive state, it's taking it's toll. Ed's always been very sensitive, but as he gets older, his mood swings are becoming more pronounced. He lashes out, shouts, and throw things (the classic tantrum) when he doesn't get his own way. Obviously he's bigger now though, so the effect is more alarming. 

The 7 year Milestone and Adrenarche

The 7th year is a bit of milestone in a child's development. Not only will reading and writing move in leaps and bounds, but they become to be more aware of their surroundings, and their place in the world. I found this useful article that also describes how children become more empathetic. It doesn't feel like that most of the time, because Ed seems to get lost in his feelings, but a case in point, I couldn't help but get upset the other night due to another battle to get him to bed. I was super tired, and his behaviour just hit me at the wrong moment. I started crying and after a few minutes, he stopped what he was doing, and came over and gave me a big hug and told me he loved me. I thought we had turned a corner, but alas, the behaviour came back the next day. 

It's also a milestone hormonally, as adrenarche kicks in. This is the 'awakening of the adrenal gland' responsible for making hormones. 

"you may notice your 7- or 8-year-old seems angry or tearful for no reason as they struggle to process their emotions. They may start falling out with their friendship groups or their behaviour may seem uncharacteristic."

This makes a lot of sense to me, as I know how highly tuned Ed is. I can also see it in his friends, and the changing way they deal with one another.  

 

Dealing with an emotional child 

Like I say, I've found the whole situation very hard to deal with, especially as I feel emotionally vulnerable myself at the moment. I looked on google for some tips on how to deal with an emotional child and came across some great advice from real parents.  

"Be open and honest, even if it’s difficult at times."

"Be empathetic. Do not give them a solution. Rather coach them in finding a solution."

"Love them in those moments as this IS when they NEED you the most!"

"Try to understand that the problems they are facing are a huge deal to them. Recognise that they have real issues, albeit unrealistic to you."

Getting to the bottom of things

We suspected that Ed wasn't happy about something outside of the home, and when we quizzed him, he confessed that some of his friends had been unkind to him in the classroom and at play. This also actually happened a couple of months ago where there was an incident at play where he was surrounded and people were throwing grass at him. We spoke to the teacher and she said she'd keep at eye on him, but it appears the problems are persisting. One thing I will say though, is that all his peers are obviously going through the same thing emotionally at the moment, so I think it's easy for games to get out of hand, and comments made to be taken on board as hurtful. These are emotional kids we're talking about! Ed seems to still want to play with everyone, so I don't think he considers himself bullied by anyone in particular, I think it's more that a little fly away comment or action by someone is really hitting home at the moment. 

The time in the day when it's at its worst is bedtime though. It's a melting pot of emotions and tiredness, and since it's been lighter in the evenings Ed's finding it really hard to settle down. This means if Si and I are both tired, it makes it doubly challenging. Bedtime can take around 2 hours at the moment and often it is 9.30/10pm before he falls asleep. Obviously these later nights are going to play havoc with him anyway, so it feels like we just can't win at the moment!

Moving On

I must try and get my emotions in check when dealing with Ed, though it's easier said than done. However, the other night, I think it actually helped Ed to see me upset because it brought home that his actions have consequences. I'm me, and I'm just doing my best. If I get upset so be it. However, when I'm not depressed it's a lot easier to deal with because I feel less raw. 

Bedtime is a challenge, but I half think we should just stop the battling and let him go when he's tired. However, that could easily bite us in the behind as he stays up later and later because of the novelty. The summer holidays might be the time to experiment. I find the whole bedtime routine challenging though because I get so tired and exhausted by 8pm, so often I have to go to bed myself, leaving Si with the brunt of it. He's a true SuperDad!

I know this phase will pass, but in the eye of the storm, it's hard to imagine.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Bipolar and MS - 6 years on

6 years ago, I had hit rock bottom. 

It was a year after giving birth to Ed, and I just couldn't cope anymore. To say I had a nervous breakdown is putting it mildly. I was visibly twitching, flitting between being completely depressed to being highly manic in the space of what seemed like minutes, and was on the verge of suicide. 

My family rallied around me, and the crisis team were called, referring me to a psychiatrist for an emergency appointment. 

I went from being in a state of extreme despair, to thinking there wasn't a problem, all the while constantly moving and twitching my hands. It was a confusing and scary time. I felt like I had no control over myself. The crisis team were amazing, and referred me to a psychiatrist for an emergency appointment. 

I remember sitting in his room, trying to control my twitching, and the mentioning of Bipolar Disorder. He asked if I had thought that that's what could be wrong with me...and suddenly it all clicked into place. 

I knew a little about bipolar disorder, as my aunt had been diagnosed, and when he explained the ups and downs, the depressed and manic periods that occur with bipolar it made a lot of sense. So much so, that it was picked up that I had been suffering for a long time, but had no diagnosis.

I had suffered from depression since first being diagnosed with MS 20 years ago, and would have manic periods of not being able to sit still, periods of obsession, etc, but in those instances I always just thought that was 'normal'. After all, when you're manic you just feel incredibly happy. 

Photo by micheile .com on Unsplash

But what is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that affects your moods, which can swing from one extreme to another. It used to be known a manic depression.

How it affects me

Like the description says, I swing from one extreme to another. In the beginning I would go from extremely depressed to as high as a kite, really quickly. 

In my depressive state I am sad, feel lonely, feel a sense of dread and fear, have headaches, muscle aches, fatigue, and just can't function. I just want to sleep, which is hard when you have children. 

When I flip to a manic period I feel happy, excited, am ultra creative, become obsessed with small things and details no one would be bothered by, feel energetic (to the point where I struggle to sleep), have a lack of appetite, talk quickly and laugh...well....manically. 😂 

When I was first diagnosed, I would literally flit between the two within the hour, even within minutes, which was soooo exhausting. When I was manic I was convinced there was nothing wrong, and it was a big fuss over nothing. When depressed, I just wanted to die. 

I am so grateful that my family and crisis team could see it for what it was and referred me straight away. I was put on a medication called Aripriprazole, which stops the ultra highs (I still get manic, but not to the same extreme) and I was already on Citalopram to help the lows and my anxiety. 

Luckily the mediation did the trick and it calmed the situation down. I now feel stable when it comes to my bipolar, and yes, I still get highs and lows, they are a lot less disruptive than they used to me. 

Reflecting at 6 years on

It was World Bipolar Day on the 30th March, and it made me reflect on how far I've come over the last 6 years. 

When I was first diagnosed I was discharged from the psychiatrist after about 9 months, which was good, as the drugs did their thing. Sure they've been tweaked since then, but overall I've been happy with my medication. 

Bipolar is a tricky disorder to manage anyway, but throwing MS into the mix? That's upping the level! The hardest thing for me with having bipolar and MS, is that sometimes my mind forgets that I have physical limitations. I'll be manic and feeling on top of the world, unable to sit still and becoming so focused on things, I can't see the wood for the trees and feel my fatigue creeping in. I push myself too far and inevitably burn myself out. My brain doesn't allow me to stop and think 'now you're getting tired, you should rest'. It just has to go gun-ho at everything. 

It's a huge challenge and one I still haven't mastered. It's easy for others to say 'just rest', but when your brain is going ten to the dozen, it's nearly impossible to. 

My bipolar will never go (they explained I'd be on my medication for life) but it's undoubtedly part of me now. I find myself looking forward to the highs (which are few and far between now....my last manic episode was about 4 months ago) because of the creativity it brings. It's so hard to feel creative when you are low. I am more aware of how dangerous manic periods can be though...and try to take it easy to reduce the chances of burn-out. 

You mean I have to leave the house?!

So something very exciting and scary in equal measure has happened. 

We've booked a holiday. 

To go away from England. On a plane. 

Now I know what you're thinking.....hardly scary! But hear me out.

This is the first time I have been out of the country for nearly 10 years...the first time the kids have EVER been out of the UK. Holidays abroad have always scared me and I'm way out of my comfort zone. We're going to go to Iceland and I KNOW it's going to be great, and I don't need to be worrying but I can't help it. 

In fact, I'm going to break down my worries now to prove to myself that I have nothing to worry about. 

Worry number 1: Getting to the airport and navigating parking. 

Solved: To aid my worries, and make life a whole lot easier (seen as there are 5 of us) we're going to get a taxi from door to door. This saves a lot of hassle, and as we fly in at 9pm on the way back, we don't have to worry about staying in a hotel, or driving back late at night. To be honest, I'm not sure all 5 of us and luggage will fit in our car anyway! It doesn't work out as too much more expensive and will put my mind at rest. 

Worry number 2: Navigating the airport without getting too tired. 

Solved: We're flying from Heathrow and I've decided I'm going to get airport assistance. When we went on honeymoon to Finland, 9 years or so ago, I got airport assistance and it was a revelation. I can't say I enjoyed it (there were a lot of stares) but it's a necessity. The last time I travelled without assistance (a few days spent in Geneva to see a gig) I ended up getting so tired, I missed the gig and it totally ruined things. So yeah, I know it needs to be done, but it makes me feel so.....disabled. I'm obviously going to take my foldaway stick with me in case I struggle but I'm going to get a sunflower lanyard to show I have a frequently invisible disability as well. You can purchase a sunflower lanyard for travel here, and they are recognised in an increasing number of airports (Heathrow and Gatwick included...as well as Keyflavik - the airport we are flying into at Iceland). It will put my mind at rest to know that I have a visible sign. 

Worry number 3: Struggling while I'm in Iceland.

Solved: Now this is a tricky one, because it really depends on what is on the agenda etc. I know it's going to go against every fibre of my being, but I need to be sensible and rest at the accommodation if I need rest. Even if it means missing out on stuff. It will be sad if that happens, but you never know, I might be ok. I think I'm just going to have to put things in place to help. Take my folding stick with me everywhere so I have physical support if my legs gets weak. Try not to do too much walking in one day so space things out. The main reason we are going is to visit Si's Dad, Chris, and his wife Bara. It will be so nice to spend time with them in the beautiful Iceland which is what I need to remind myself. We're going to visit family, and as me and Si have been before back in the day, it's somewhere familiar. I really don't have to worry. Iceland is an incredible place, and Rekyavik is not too busy.

Worry number 4: My passport

Solved: This has actually just been solved already. My passport was due to run out in October, so I needed to arrange a fast-track renewal. To do this I needed to drive myself to Newport. Technically only 40 minutes away, I find driving to new places plays havoc with my anxiety. However, I did it! I was so stressed out about it (had I done the application right? Were my photos ok? Was I going to get sent home again for lacking a vital piece of paperwork?) but it was fine. I coped. It was kind of scary because there were strict security things in place once I got there, but the lady I saw was lovely, I had done everything correctly, and I'll get my passport within a week. Massive mental hurdle - solved.

I feel silly for worrying, but travelling when you have a disability is tricky. Just being away from the house and not being in my comfort zone is a big deal. I need to navigate a long journey when I can't guarantee I'll be well. That's stressful! I know I have my family to support me though, so I'm sure everything will be fine. I shouldn't say no to these things for the fear of how I might be. Life is for living!

Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash

They only bloody gave it to me!

 

Great news people! Following on from my last post, and after deciding to apply direct to the council, they've approved me for a blue badge!

I am over the moon (which is quite sad when you think about it!), and so relieved that I don't have to go through a stressful face-to-face assessment. As I mentioned before, the whole process of having one for the PIP application was so damaging to me, giving me such excessive anxiety and stress that I just didn't want to relive that. With regard to the blue badge though, for once something just seemed to come easily to me. 

I think I've decided not to renew my PIP because of the assessment process though, so they've won in that regard. 

It would just set me back so much, and luckily I don't need the money, and now I have my blue badge I just can't see the benefits to claiming it. It would be detrimental to my health, so there's surely a flaw in the system somewhere!

The fact that I wasn't asked for a face-to-face assessment could have been because they weren't just assessing my physical health, but also my mental health. I was surprised at how many questions there were about the mental aspect of driving. I get anxious every time I get into a car and drive, but even when I'm driven by someone else - often closing my eyes when being driven. I feel like I'm going to have an accident every time. For me, being anxious about a journey doesn't just stop when I'm driving, but I also get anxious about arriving to places and being on time. I drive my husband Si mad with this! He's very laid back, and I'm there twitching about being late somewhere or not setting off in time. 

The blue badge will help matters a little, but I'm sure it won't get rid of the problems. 

For the anxiety I'm going to start CBT therapy again soon so that's something positive. I've tried CBT before, but it was group CBT and focused a lot on the aspect MS plays in mental health rather than a personal journey. Fingers crossed it helps, but I will undoubtedly keep you posted.

Confessions of a Caffeine Addict

Ok, so 'addict' might be a bit strong, but I have come the conclusion that I seriously rely on the stuff. 

I started to see a correlation between caffeine and my anxiety recently, and as a trial I went caffeine free for 3 days to see how it affected me. I can safely say, that going without caffeine affected me badly. I haven't felt so tired and ill for a long while....and that's saying something! However, having no caffeine did improve my anxiety a heap. I wasn't getting the nervous feeling I get in the morning after my initial cup of tea, and I felt more calm and regulated. The fatigue and tiredness was awful though. I just couldn't keep my eyes open! I felt low and defeated, and I was really struggling. I did think I could have had a virus or something, but I caved last night and had a cup of black tea, and I felt infinitely better. 

That brought home the fact that I was consuming a lot of caffeine during the day, just to get through. Sometimes I'd have three cups of coffee in a day, and the odd cup of tea, just to make it through the day. Weirdly it's never affected my sleeping that much (to be honest, I could sleep for England) but I've realised that I need to look at the bigger picture when trying to get my anxiety under wraps. Yes, the caffeine would get me through the day, but I was feeling anxious and unnerved. 

I've decided to still have caffeine but really pare down the amount I was having. Maybe a cup of tea in the morning, and an afternoon coffee to get me through to bedtime would be sufficient? 

It's so tough trying to juggle life, feeling well, and having energy when you have MS and mental health issues. On the one hand you want to keep going for your family, and consuming caffeine on a regular basis is one way to do this. However, you also have to think about your symptoms, particularly the anxiety, and actually I believe the caffeine was masking how exhausted I am. I've had a bit of rest this week but maybe I should be having more? But then that's hardly practical with two kids is it? 

I think it needs to be a balance. Experiment with caffeine to get me through the day, but be very aware of my symptoms when I'm consuming it and if so pare it down if need be. 

I tell you what though, I'm certainly not going to use it as a crutch anymore. I need to be more in tune with my body, and if I need to sleep during the day when the kids are at school, then so be it. That's what comes with being ill. Too often I try to mask things to carry on as 'normal' but can't help but think that that is not entirely healthy. Needless to say, I've learnt a big lesson this week.

Is caffeine really all it's cracked up to be? 

Battling the System and Accepting Limitations

I took Lib to her swimming lesson yesterday, and while I was stood around waiting (because there are never enough seats there) I started to feel a bit faint. It had been a busy day, and taking them up to swimming is always a bit of a struggle. 

5 minutes later someone stood up from their seat to leave, and after looking around to see if anyone was going to take it, I swooped in and plonked my bum down. 

But, I ask you? Why did I do that? Why did I look around to check?  I needed it. I should have confidently taken that chair for myself, and been OK about it. I'm disabled.

It got me thinking about how tricky it is navigating a invisible illness. I was automatically checking for anyone older who may need it, even though I was in desperate need. I was so concerned about not looking rude, I was willing to bypass my own health. Looking 'well' and not appearing disabled means you put yourself out there for rudeness and glances from people, automatically assuming that I'm well and taking up a chair someone else may need. I felt like I needed to turn round and say to everyone "it's alright, I have MS" - which is a sorry state of affairs. 

Have I actually come on at all in 20 years since my diagnosis? I feel like I'm better at accepting my limitations now but maybe not. I came to the conclusion that it's actually the way society is that has got in the way of me accepting my limitations. 

After all, we are run by government guidelines that, following my PIP assessment (whereby I was struggling with my stick because I was so run down from the stress of it all) that I needed no mobility help at all. 

This has meant my disabled badge is no longer valid and has now expired.

I feel like the whole system has just turned around and given me the finger, because according to them I'm fit and well and can cope. But I can't. How is that supposed to make me feel?

It makes me feel like I'm a fraud and a charlatan if I take a chair in a swimming pool viewing area when I'm feeling ill. It makes me feel anxious and self conscious about just looking out for my own health when I have an incurable disease. According to the government I shouldn't be struggling, and if I am then maybe that's a failure on my part. I feel like I get it shoved down my throat, this concept of 'not being ill enough to ask for help', that I've just stopped asking for help. Which I guess is what they want, so the system works. Hurrah for them!

I've even tried to get in touch with the hospital appealing for a letter to go with another blue badge application, but I've had no luck. I mean, they are insanely busy, but I was hoping that if anyone would understand then it would be them.

I'm welling up now, because it all just feels so helpless sometimes. 

Without a blue badge I can't guarantee that I can park close and be able to walk to and from places without pain or stiffening up. I can't go into the city centre, because I know I won't be able to park on double yellows if I need to for lack of parking and car-parks are never close enough to where I need to go. Again, if I apply direct to the council for a badge I need to go through a physical assessment and I'm somehow meant to illustrate that on some days I can't walk, and others I can. I guess their answer is, "well only go out on the days when you can", which for a disabled mother with two young children is an impossibility. 

Huh. Writing this has actually made me want to fight this. Perhaps I should write a letter direct to my consultant? Maybe not all is lost. I should try and battle the system. This need in society to be thinner, fitter, more beautiful, richer, healthier (the list goes on) is doing my head in. We're constantly told we are not good enough. And if that is because of someone incurable like MS then it's just simply unfair. 

 I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

Back to school and back to a bit of head space

It's a beautiful day today - the sun is shining, there isn't a cloud in the sky, and I'm sat in the shade in the garden, with the guinea pigs, enjoying the peace and quiet. Because....hazaaaa...the kids are back at school. 

It seems an incredibly long time coming, and after two school years of fits and starts and home schooling, it's understandable. I'm so so proud of my two for their resilience for getting through the last two years of Covid affected life, and as far as the school is concerned, things are kind of back to normal. Sure they will still be vigilant, and things like hand washing and sanitising are still going to be prevalent, but there are no more class bubbles and no need for face masks when picking up/dropping off. 

It feels nice to go into a school where things seem normal, but I can't help but think things are normal too soon. We're surely not out of the woods yet, if the current rates are anything to go by, so is it really right, to have school children and parents mixing as normal? It seems a bit dodgy if I'm honest!

Needless to say though, I'm happy they are back, but also miss them! They've done so well, and have headed back to this school term unscathed and ready to get stuck in. They still have their smiles, which is all we wanted after everything. 

We managed to get away a couple of times this summer, which was great. Firstly to visit my family in Lincolnshire, and second to Devon to stay in a yurt. Both holidays were just what we needed and we enjoyed them immensely. And yes, we got guinea pigs! About three weeks ago, and they are settling into the household nicely. We have them housed in the kitchen though, which means I've had to put The Natural Cupcake Company on hold. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I restarted the little business I did before Lib came along - a vegan cupcake business. I started it up again this time last year, and business was great. However, I just couldn't sustain in. As usual my MS and anxiety got in the way of working, and I just couldn't keep up with it. My anxiety was off the charts and I really felt unwell. So I made the decision to take a step back.

Then following on from that, I changed my diet to incorporate fish, so I was no longer vegan. That coupled with my health meant that I had to rethink things. I almost felt a fraud at the thought of selling vegan wares and not being vegan myself. It didn't sit well with me. Then adding two rodents living in our big kitchen...albeit in a cage....to the mix doesn't lend itself to running a vegan catering business! 

I feel relieved to have made the decision not to continue though, which means I've made the right choice. First and foremost I need to make my health a priority, and I'm finally accepting that I can't work at the moment, and that's ok. I'm hoping to write more to keep occupied and start up swimming again...plus there's the on-going quest to lose weight (which never seems to happen!). The kids going back to school, and me settling in to looking after myself and the home feels like a fresh start this year though, and it's nice. 

Enjoying an afternoon at Babbacombe Model Village

Ready for school

Me with Rocco - one of our new guinea pigs