Bring It On.

2016 - a brand new year!

Blogging has understandably gone pretty low down on my long list of things to do, but as it's the New Year, it would frankly be rude not to sit back, put my feet up and reflect on the last 12 months. 

It should probably be pointed out at this stage that as I am suffering from a comically bad memory, so who knows what I'll actually be able to remember. It may be fact. It may have been a dream. It may been a psychotic episode. But hey. It's all good fun!

So 2015. The quickest of all the years. Seriously. It flew by. 

Of course, the big event was little Teddy Tumpkin being born. He arrived safely and heroically, on the crest of a wave in a pool last May. I didn't think it was possible to have a second child that is as good as the first (I was preparing myself for the opposite of Lib!) but he is fantastic - a beautiful big softie. Our family is complete, and every day I thank my lucky stars for all the happiness in our home. 

With pregnancy, of course, came bad health, and more bad health and....yeah....you guessed it, rubbishy bad health. If being 'a bit run down' is a thing, I was 'steamrollered'. Once my body had healed from the birth, it was one cold after another, flu, pneumonia, and on top of that I had bad side-effects from having the coil fitted (probably too much information, I confess. However, consider yourselves lucky I'm not giving you a full picture of how awful it was!!! ;)  

It was incredibly hard work, but we got through it. We learnt that if I am in a bad way health wise, proper rest can work absolute wonders. It's difficult to rest if the kids are here in the house because they are always on my mind, but after the pneumonia Si and Sheila took the kids away to give me time to recover. I had nothing to do except concentrate on what my body was telling me, and resting whenever I needed. I switched off mentally too, and felt like a new person afterwards. I guess that's the joy of respite for you. It had always seemed an extreme thing to do, but for me, I think doing something like that once a year would be a good way to keep things ticking over. It's nice to know there's something we can do though, when things look bleak. 

Before Christmas, we had the joy of picking schools for Lib, which was surprisingly stressful. That's all sorted now though and she'll hopefully be a happy bunny starting school in September. She grew up and matured so much last year, and has dealt with everything amazingly. Lib is an incredible little girl, and I'm so so proud of her. 

Then of course, we had Ed's first Christmas. Despite being very organised I still got pretty stressed out by it, but we had a great time, and Lib was overjoyed by the whole thing. It was the first year that she had been properly excited by it. 

But what of 2016? It's all shiny, with that new car smell, and I'm really feeling positive about it!

I'm going to get the ball rolling on Tecfidera (disease modifying drug) next week, so fingers crossed that will suit me and then I'll have piece of mind that hopefully it will slow down the progression of my MS. Alongside that I'm also starting to plan a small business I can run from home - so that'll certainly keep me quiet. I still love the thought of doing voice-over work, but I'm not ashamed to say that I'm scared of trying to get into that at the moment. It's too far out of my comfort zone! For now, I'm going to stick with what I know, and for once don't put added pressure on myself. See...it's 2016 and I'm blossoming :D

                        Happy New Year to you all!

Time marching on...

My brain is fuzzy so expect lots. of short sentences and. random punctuation.

But I'll give a blog post my best shot. It's been too long, and it'll be good for me to use my brain for doing something other than making photo-books and watching Great British Bake Off.  :)

Now if you know me, you know that I love Autumn and colder weather. But lordy be...it seems to have muscled in particularly speedily this year. Where did the summer go?! 

Ed is 4 months old tomorrow! Hhuuh whhhaa??!?!?

From this.....

To this!!!

He's a little cuddly bundle of giggly squidgy-ness but I've hardly seen him the last few days. As usual, the cold that has entered our house has hit me particularly hard and I'm left sounded like I'm purring because my chest is rattling so much. I have been exhausted, and the aches have been dreadful - all in all, a pretty miserable week for me. But as usual, managing to provide the silver lining to my cloud, Lib got on really well at pre-school and loved it! I'm not convinced the teachers are used to the level of unbounded enthusiasm Lib brings to things (I sort of felt like saying "good luck" to them!) but it's been a great start. She'll certainly keep them on their toes! It's been surprisingly emotional, even though it's technically just another nursery. I think it's because if Lib was born a few weeks earlier, she would be starting school and she's so ready for it (in fact....I really must not forget to get her school application in!!). We dropped her off on her first day thinking we would hang around for a bit and play with her (they really welcome that) but Lib had to tell us not once, but three times to leave! We clearly just couldn't get the message and were completely cramping her style! The cheek of it! :)

Another thing that has cheered me up this week though has been planning Lib's 4th (!) birthday party. I love having stuff to plan. The joy of being able to combine two houses, is that we have lots of space for lots of people to come to parties. The downside to combining two houses, is that we have lots of space for lots of people to come to parties. Ha! :) Especially, when you consider children's parties! It's going to be manic, but Lib will have a fantastic time. 

I on the other hand will sat with a large glass of wine in the corner, weeping, because my little girl is growing up so quickly.......

Seriously too cool for school...

The Baby Diagnosis.

Do you have dark circles under your eyes?
Check.
Are you so tired that your legs feel like jelly?
Check.
Have you been walking around aimlessly/stopping in the middle of a room trying to remember what you were...er...?
Check.
Have you been putting random things in the fridge/dishwasher/cupboards?
Check.
Have you been wondering how your nearly 4 year old has managed to become so very LOUD all of a sudden?
Check.
Have you been wearing inside out clothes?
Check.
Have you missed out on a shower/bath today?
Check.
Have you missed one or more meals today?
Check.
Have you been pooed/vomited/wee'd on by small person today?
Check.
Have you found yourself thinking "how did I think this baby thing was hard first time around?!" today?
Check.
Or "No. Seriously. What did I do all day last time?!"?
Check.
Or caught yourself thinking "So its inappropriate to go to the toilet with a baby in a sling, right?" after spending far too long getting one to finally fall asleep.
Check.
Have you found yourself sat on the toilet quietly weeping this week?
Check.
Have you consumed your weight in chocolate/cake/biscuits recently?
Check.
Have you started to feel the ill effects of said diet?
Check.
Have you considered the possibility of mainlining coffee?
Check.

Have you looked into pair of eyes today and thought about how flipping lucky you are?
Check.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU HAVE A ONE MONTH OLD SECOND CHILD!!

*sigh*

The Birth Post

Firstly...hurrah!! Junior arrived safely and is a bundle of complete joy.
Secondly...hurrah!! I'm no longer in pain! Oh happy day.

I've been working my way up to this post and, to be honest, it's only been the last few days I feel my head is on properly and I'm able to write anything...let alone a blog post.

Ok, so the birth. In the end, it all went to plan and was fantastic (or as fantastic something extremely painful can be) but I was so amazed that there weren't any hiccups, to be honest. I also got my water birth which was really beneficial...but let's start from the beginning.

My waters broke at 4am  (2 weeks ago, so one week after my last false labour) after having strong Braxton Hicks and back pain the day before. I was hanging on with gritted teeth but I was in lots of pain, uncomfortable and flipping miserable, so when something conclusive happened it was a HUGE relief. I knew that labour was definitely imminent now and that he would be out soon, even if I had to be induced. I obviously couldn't get back to sleep, so I just chilled out, ate (definitely a good move), and the contractions started at 5.30am (it's a good thing I'm writing this down, because already I can feel my memory getting hazy). We went into hospital at about 7am, as the contractions were 5 minutes apart and getting stronger, and luckily Lib woke up just before we headed up there so we got to explain and say goodbye. She was so excited - I seem to remember a large amount of bed bouncing. :)

So there we are. In the place I had planned to give birth! They got us breakfast and we just chatted in between contractions. It was very....peaceful. Completely different to being on the ante-natal ward last time. Then came the crunch. I was examined at 10am, and lo and behold...."sorry darling, your cervix is still thick. It's not a labouring cervix." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You are f**king kidding me!!

I was very close screaming/crying/tearing my hair out, but I managed to keep my cool. After all, my waters had gone. I knew it was happening, it might just be a much longer labour than last time. Get over it, Chloe. Though they were more than happy for me to stay they suggested that I go home if I would feel more comfortable there, but my god, I swear they wouldn't have been able to prise me out of that room even if they wanted to. I was not leaving until my baby was out, goddamit! I politely declined and explained again that I went from a non-effaced cervix and 1-2cm dilated to my daughter being out within 3 hours last time. Luckily we had put my birth notes from last time on Si's ipad so the midwife had a read. "Of course, every labour is different" my (wonderful despite telling me what I didn't want to hear) midwife said, but I just had a feeling it was going to run the same. It all felt so similar. Of course, Junior being Junior didn't make things too easy because he was lying with his back facing my right side instead of in front, so he needed to do a whole load of turning if he wanted to get out any time soon. As it goes though, staying there was completely the right decision. I had a clary sage massage after my obs, listened to my hypnotherapy tracks, and by 11.30am we were definitely underway. Contractions were running thick and fast and I got Si to get them through to see me again. I got in a good rhythm with my breathing, tried my damned hardest not to tense up, and in the end it took an hour and half from start to finish! It was intense. Very intense. The contractions just seemed to be constant, though I'm sure there must have been small breaks in between. I had a couple of co-codamol and it did feel more painful than last time, but I'm sure that's just because I didn't get any relief in between contractions, and of course Junior was having to turn around as well (it felt so odd every time he moved, and made the contraction more painful with it). Luckily they got me in the pool pretty quickly which was a great help. I would definitely recommend it, especially if you have mobility problems, and it really helped with the pain especially at the pushing stage.

So there we go. The little chap was born at 12.55pm at 38 weeks and 5 days....weighing in at a big 'ol 8lb 10oz! No wonder I was so fatigued..and thank goodness he was early. He would have been huge otherwise! Lib and Grandma got to come in and meet him later that day, and I got to stay in over night to get my head around things with the support of the fantastic midwives. I left the next day feeling tired and sore (obviously) but relaxed and calm, and since then, aside from a few rocky emotional days and my cold coming back, things have been going swimmingly.

What a relief. :)

Snuggles.

29 weeks and considering the birth

Time is ticking on, and I've finally got my head around where I hope to have the baby.

It was up in the air because the obstetrician I saw recommended I go to the local hospital to 'keep my options open', however this really didn't sit well with me. For starters, this would have meant being in the same place where I had Lib. Now, I certainly didn't have a traumatic experience there, and I wasn't angry about what happened, but I would rather not put myself in the situation where history could repeat itself.

To have a quick recap - last time we planned for a home birth, but my waters broke (a tiny amount) and I had to go in to the hospital to be assessed. I had started to have contractions, but because we had to sit and wait for 4 hours, everything stopped and I was sent home to see if things progressed naturally over night. So far, so standard. However, nothing really happened so I ended up going back in in the morning to be induced. I spent 12 hours on the Antenatal ward feeling what I thought at the time were contractions, but when they assessed me they told me I was hardly dilated at all ('Arrrghhhh!' I thought. 'If these painful things aren't contractions, what the HELL are contractions like?!!'). The thing is, labour did in fact start shortly after but because they had only just seen me, I felt like I was kicking up a fuss! It was only when I started to make what can only be described as mooing noises that I got put in a room on my own so Si could hang around, and I wouldn't carry on disturbing the other women on the ward! This is probably the point when I should have gone up to the delivery suite, but because of two severe emergencies that had been admitted, and generally being short staffed, I was put on a monitor in my room and left to it. I got to 9 1/2 centimetres without any assistance (or pain relief other than some paracetamol I took earlier on in the evening), and we had to insist on me being examined again when I felt like pushing. They didn't want to cause any infection but seemed pretty shocked when they found me at 9 1/2 cm! Needless to say I rushed up to the delivery suite in a wheelchair and the rest is history......

So yeah, it wasn't exactly the relaxed birth I had planned when we had arranged a home birth. I know full well that the majority of births don't go to plan, but I felt so much confusion.  Clearly I was in labour, but because I wasn't being moved to the delivery suite I doubted it myself. The nurses/midwives probably just thought 'first time Mum....what a drama queen!' so I didn't feel comfortable with the situation at all. I was basically stuck in no-mans-land. 

My obstetrician had suggested the hospital again this time in case I needed pain relief, anaesthetic, or assistance with regard to my MS, but I had all of those conversations last time and it didn't make a blind bit of difference when it came to the birth. At the hospital they are just not in a position to offer assurances because they are so short staffed, and even if we planned for another home birth we can't guarantee that the midwives would actually turn up on time. Last time, I got the impression that planning for a home birth helped to ensure that you get one-on-one care throughout (which was what I felt was important for me) but even in the 4 years since, this appears to have changed. I've heard a few horror stories from people where midwives haven't turned up, or left early telling the Mum that they've got ages yet...only for the baby to arrive an hour or so later. Needless to say, we've decided to opt for the midwife-led birth centre. It's quiet, relaxing, and I know that as soon as I turn up there I will get seen by someone, as opposed to the land of unknown that comes with a home or hospital birth. It seems the best of both worlds...and it's only 10 minutes away.

I stood my ground with the obstetrician and explained why I was going against her recommendations (the fact that it took me 25 minutes to park outside the maternity unit, despite having a disabled badge helped my cause...it certainly doesn't bode well if my labour was going to be quicker this time. I had visions of Si missing the whole thing while he was trying to park!!). I was pleased to find though that she was completely supportive of my decision, as I was expecting a fight on my hands. She even apologised for the treatment I received last time, and admitted that there are certainly issues on the wards regarding inductions. For example, when I was in they had to induce 10 women at a similar time, with a staff number of two. She also sympathised with how awful the parking is! That's why I can't get angry though...the staff are well aware of the current problems, but it's out of their hands. It's certainly not their fault.

Anyway, the fact that I now have a plan in my head, and I know that everyone is in agreement and supportive, is a big weight off my mind. With just over 10 weeks to go to full term, all I've got to do now is try to relax and...wait! :)

"Healthy...but days later I couldn't walk"

Yep, the article in Woman magazine is out and it's what I expected (judging by the articles they usually include in there), but it's still a bit disappointing.

Facts have been juggled around and shaped to make it a "better" story, some things over dramatised hugely, and other things are just untrue. It was read out to me before hand, albeit quickly, and as I was listening I kept thinking "ok...that's hyped up, but I can see what you are trying to do" and approved it after insisting on a few changes. However, reading it on the page along with my pictures has made me more critical.

I'm not upset (I used to work for the local paper, and studied Communication Studies, so I'm more than aware of certain journalism practices and what makes something 'newsworthy'). They want to sell magazines and saying that I "studied film" sounds better than "I wanted to study film, but I could never make up my mind in what capacity and finally realised it was going to be an impractical career for someone with MS anyway" or whatever I waffled on about ;). However, that's the truth and what happened. But that's the media, folks.

So why has the whole thing disappointed me, I hear you ask? Well, it was meant to be linked to the MS Trust campaign "Making Sense of MS" (there is a tiny link if you can spot it), and sadly the journalist's assumptions of what MS is has over-shadowed the truth. She said she had no idea of what MS was and the effect it has, and she spoke to an MS sufferer for an hour (admittedly not that long, but we did cover a lot of stuff) and yet still resorted to making out I'm in a wheelchair a lot of the time, because that's what her idea if disability is and it 'sounds better'. It felt like it undermines what suffering from MS is like for me. It's literally like someone has said 'yeah you have it shi*t...but not sh*t enough!'

The fact that it's also written in the 1st person, gives the impression that I wrote the article, and therefore (for anyone who knows me) will make them think I sat there and blatantly lied and over-exaggerated my disability. On the other hand though, the article has also made me sound more competent than I actually am. She obviously wanted a contrast of "one minute in a wheelchair, the next minute fine and able to work in the film industry" or "juggling 5 things at once" which is wrong. It's a daily struggle.

MS doesn't switch off the moment you can get out of the wheelchair after a relapse. Just because I'm walking doesn't mean I'm fine. When I got involved in the campaign they said they wanted to focus on what it was like to be young and diagnosed, and the information and help that was given to me at the time compared with the support you get now. When I was diagnosed, the only two people I knew with MS were permanently in a wheelchair, which gave me a bleak outlook and I wasn't given much information to contradict it because not much was known. With this article, especially by emphasising the wheelchair aspect just for a good story, it doesn't seem much of an improvement. Sure, it's clear that I've managed to raise a happy family (a positive aspect that I know she wanted to focus on) but she hasn't mentioned the amount of support I get and need in order for me to do this, which I made very clear to her. So it's a toss up between giving a false impression that I'm healthier than I am, and yet emphasising the wheelchair and giving a bleaker outlook than is necessary. If I had read this article when I was diagnosed at 18, I would have been pretty confused! 

It's a shame. Like Si said, they obviously have a formula they follow for their articles because they know what their readers like (a bit of drama), and at the end of the day she only had 500 words. At least I have this blog to put some things straight though. It's certainly been an eye-opener, and though I don't regret it, I will perhaps think twice about contributing towards something again. C'est la vie, though eh? :)

-------------

"Say what?!"

(The things written that are untrue/over exaggerations/bullsh*t)

1. I never studied film. I studied a BA in Communication Studies. I originally wanted to do something in film but getting my diagnosis made me 'give up the dream' and be realistic about my options.  Basically I didn't want to put the pressure on myself!

2. I don't get wheelchair bound for months at a time, some sufferers might be, but not me. True, if I'm relapsing and wanted to get out of the house, then yeah I'd probably have to use the chair. However, my MS isn't just about walking. When I'm having a relapse it's a struggle to muster the energy to get downstairs, let alone wash, dress and get ready to go out, whether it's in a chair or not. I hate having to use my chair and would rather not go out. Hence the reason why no one ever sees me in one. Definitely a huge dollop of dramatic license used on this one. 

3. "Simon always jokes that I'm juggling 5 things at once"
Completely made up. Now, if she'd said 'Simon tells me off for trying to juggle 5 things at once' that would have been true! I often con myself into thinking I can do stuff, but then pay the price by being ill for days afterwards (hence there telling off ;)

4. "Just like 'typical' MS..." [Note: this bit was added after I approved the article and I certainly would have made her change it. She obviously got told to add more 'medical facts']
This is the bit that wound me up, and showed her overall lack of understanding. Saying my consultant "explained to me that just like 'typical' MS which affects the nerves in the brain and spinal cord, I would have problems with my movement, balance and vision" isn't true. He didn't say this and wouldn't have done because MS is so varied between sufferers so there's no way of knowing how it will affect you. Obviously dramatic license was used to make it more concise, but saying "like 'typical' MS" gives the impression that having relapsing-remitting MS isn't in some way normal for the condition (like it's a watered down version or something). The way it is worded also makes it sound like having relapsing-remitting MS means you have the symptoms, but not the brain and spinal damage like with 'typical' MS, which of course is not true. The damage is there and scars are left, but it's just that currently my body can do a pretty good job at healing and getting back to some sort of normality, unlike the progressive forms of MS. Relapsing-remitting MS is actually the most common form of the condition (roughly 85-95% of sufferers have RRMS when diagnosed). For a bit more info, you can visit http://www.mssociety.org.uk/what-is-ms/types-of-ms/relapsing-remitting-rrms.

5. "Beta interferon which I'd inject daily, and though it helped...." 
Possibly misunderstood or mis-heard me here, but in reality I tried 3 types of drugs (Avonex, Beta-Interferon, and Copaxone) that were injected either weekly, 3 times a week, or daily. After years of treatment, there was no evidence to show that any of them had helped at all, which was why I came off and had a break. I chose to experiment with the Swank diet instead which I found had a much more positive effect than any of the meds. More info can be found here: http://www.swankmsdiet.org/.

6. "Getting back into film" - this made me laugh! I dabbled in film extra work, and certainly won't be doing any again any time soon because of how much it tired me out, which I explained to her. I do still plan to get into voice-over work when the kids are older, but that's a long way off. The article makes me sound a lot more interesting! :) Truth be told, I'm not going to have the energy to work for a good number of years now until my little peeps are at school. 

and finally....the very worst.

7. I'm 32!! Not 33. The outrage!!!!! ;)

Overall, it did get a positive message across I guess (that I don't let MS control me and I try and live a full life regardless of it) and if it does offer hope to some, then ultimately I'm chuffed.

My advice to all newly diagnosed young people though?

Well, take each day as it comes, and try not to dwell on the future. No-one (whether an MS sufferer or not) can predict what will happen to them, so try and think positively - I know it can be hard. There are so many developments that have been made just in the 14 years that I've had MS (there are now drugs out now that can reduce relapses by almost 70%, as opposed to the standard 20% when I was diagnosed, and there are more effective ones on the horizon), so things are looking up, and being diagnosed doesn't mean a life confined to a wheelchair. You can have a full and happy one; just try and learn to accept having the illness, adapt things so you're not putting too much pressure on yourself and (as my Mum says) "go with the flow". 

More details on the MS Trust 'Making Sense of MS' campaign can be found here: http://www.mstrust.org.uk/help-make-sense-of-ms/

Because it's a wonderful thing...

Saw this today. Mind blowing! Try and watch it in HD if you can....

It's happened folks!

Baby Number Two is on it's way!

Hurrah (eeek) hurrah! :)

Now, being a person not wanting to count my chickens? eggs in a basket? (what is that saying again?!) I'm being overly cautious and waiting until that first 12 week-ish scan before I put the news out there. We were lucky in a way last time, because I had a lot of pain in the first week, they did a scan to make sure everything was ok. So we knew that a baby was alive and kicking in there (pardon the expression...I don't think Lib had legs at that point...). This time though, I have the suspense of having the wait those lonnnnng 12 weeks before we know for sure that all is well.

With that in mind, it means that though I will be writing about what's going on, no-one is going to be able to read it until we're past the ok mark. So this is actually in the past, but you're reading it in the future now that baby is bigger, but things will catch up and be in the present  soon. Got it? Nope..me neither. Ok then.

So here we go...the first retrospective post.

It only took 4 months to conceive (which was hard work. Every month my body played tricks on me so I was getting symptoms and convinced that I was preggers, only to be let down by a late period. (Turns out it wasn't a late period, but that my cycle after finally settling down after being on the pill, was a week longer than I thought), but everything was so up in the air, it was hard to tell what was normal.

Anyway, the successful month meant I was sure I couldn't be pregnant because I wasn't getting any symptoms! I had to remind myself that the months I did get 'symptoms' I wasn't pregnant, so yeah...idiot. And even over the next week, the only strange things that occurred was tea all of a sudden tasting metallic, and me not wanting to drink a lovely glass of red wine. Pretty big indicators for some, but for me, I'd just convinced myself I wasn't so I didn't get let down when my period arrived.

Then it didn't arrive. And I was good and waited until I was 5 days late before I did a test.
That was the best thing!! Seeing a positive test was lovely :). Last time my doctor had done one so I never got to see it for myself. I jumped up and down for joy, and all worries about not being able to cope went out the window! Everything would be fine....

A Sunny Outlook

It's normally that time of year again when I start to moan. I start to basically moan about how lovely the weather is. Like some old bitter crone, who's been dragged out of her dark cave for an airing. However, this year, I feel a bit more relaxed about the prospect of sun. I think it's because of the new house. We have lovely outlooks of trees and the valley, and there are birds singing, and the breeze rustling the birch trees, and walks down by the river... it just makes me want to do a bad Julie Andrews impression ("THE HILLLLLS ARE ALIVE, WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUUUSSIICCC"!!). I fear that if I attempted that I would probably
a) scare my daughter and those around me
b) fall over from all the spinning, and
c) get people telling me to get a grip because I live in the middle of a city...not the Austrian Alps.

It's great though. The best thing is that Lib loves being in our new garden. It a good size, self-contained, and has pockets of shade which is ideal for me to sit and watch her play. She's getting lots of fresh air and exercise, and I no longer feel like I need to be stuck inside and miss out on everything (having said that, it's not been horribly hot yet, so I might be a different story once it hits the high 20s +....if it does). Even just sticking my head out the window, looking at the trees and watching for birds for a bit makes me feel a better though.

Lib talking a walk down by the river (not visible, but I assure you it's there!)

Of course, the sun has still had a bad effect on my MS. When I stopped Amantadine, it became obvious how much it helped. I've started confusing words again, not being able to take things in when more than one person is talking, having long pauses when I'm talking, losing my concentration, and forgetting things very quickly. At the moment, they are the symptoms (rather than the tingling and the stiffness) that are noticeably flaring up if I get tired or if I've had too much sun, so much so that I'm going to have to be careful to not do things like drive when I'm particularly bad.

I could buy one of these....

but I think it would have to get very very VERY bad for me to do so.

I've had moments when I've felt particularly worried about my new symptoms, but then I have to remind myself how lucky I am that the Amantadine worked for me. I know that as soon as Baby No. 2 arrives I can go back on it and hopefully see the benefits again. In the meantime, my MS should pack up and take a holiday while I'm pregnant, so I'm in a good position.

I went to see my consultant the other day, and told him we were planning on having another baby. I had just approved for Aubagio, so I wanted to make sure that I would be able to go straight on it after finishing breast-feeding. Not only did my consultant think us having a second child was a good idea (always reassuring), but he said by the end of the year, I'd be spoilt for choice with the medication I could try. He went through the effectiveness of a few right there ("this one stops relapses by 50%, this one 75%...etc etc). I'm not ashamed to say that when I got back to the car, I burst into tears! I cried out of relief. I've had MS since 2001, and for the first time I felt genuinely positive about my future. After all, when I first tried medication for it, the effectiveness was 25%. Perhaps in another 10 years there will be something out there that can suppress it completely?!

It's a nice thought.

An Ode to Conception

Oh Amantadine, Amantadine

you make me perky like a coffee bean.
Citalopram you keep my head on straight
and banish the feelings that I hate.

But planning a baby means 'bye bye'!
Gosh, it makes me want to weep and cry
For when you go, I look like this:

And mope about, feeling like piss. 

Let's hope baby numero two is conceived soon
So I can sit back and start to bloom
And suck up all the lovely things
That pregnancy to my MS brings.

PS I don't want to be a complainer,
and though being preggers is good, I want a disclaimer.
No swollen feet or trapped wind this time, please,
Or the little wees that happen when I sneeze.

Thank you. 

The Pregnancy Scare.

Now...normally I wouldn't mention this, but as it's a blog about motherhood and MS, it seems relevant to talk about it.

About two weeks ago I thought I was pregnant. I was not only late, but I 'felt' pregnant and had the same early symptoms as I had when pregnant with Lib. Suffice to say, I am definitely not pregnant. Nope..no baby here. Whether I was for a while, or it was my mind playing tricks on me and I was just late, who knows? One thing I do know is that it kicked up a lot of mad emotions.

Firstly, when I thought I was pregnant, I didn't freak out...which surprised me. It felt kind of nice, and I instantly just thought 'it's fine...it'll be tough, but we'll cope'. I did a couple of early pregnancy tests, which came out negative, but it didn't put my mind at rest (the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Lib...it took a while for my hormone levels to be high enough to register on a test). In fact another surprise came when the tests came out negative, and I again felt disappointed.

However, as time went on, panic started to creep in. Mainly because it brought back memories of how I physically felt the first time, and I knew how it was going to be a struggle. To be honest Lib is a dream child. She sleeps well, eats well, is hardly ever in a grump, and is generally just perfect (though I'm obviously biased!). What if baby number 2 was the complete opposite?! I'm pretty close to my limits with Lib...how would I cope dealing with a troublesome baby and Lib?!

When my period finally arrived with a big painful fanfare, I confess that I felt happy and relieved. But then...sad. Then relieved again. Then disappointed. Then happy. Then....arggh! I was a bit of an emotional wreck.

The thought of it just being me and Lib for a good while longer certainly made me feel happy. I'm a good Mum, and my biggest worry would be that a second child will put too much pressure on me, and my relationship with Lib would suffer as a consequence. Would it be irresponsible to have a second child if I thought I was going to struggle? On the other hand, I thought I would struggle the first time, but I have coped well under the circumstances, so perhaps it would be the same again? Also, (and this may sound a bit doom and gloom) as I have a degenerative illness, a large part of me would want Lib to have a sibling. I can't help but think that it would make things easier if anything happened to me in the future. The first few years of motherhood with another baby would undoubtedly be tough, but I'm still young (ish!) and fairly resilient at the mo. So why not?

I don't know....lots of thoughts whizzing round. One thing the 'scare' did reaffirm, is that it's definitely too soon for me to have a second child now. I really don't feel ready..and I certainly need to feel in control about making the decision. My mind can't quite cope with the thought of an unplanned pregnancy. I need to shut up, stop dwelling on it, and take each day/week/month/year, as it comes and if it doesn't feel right to start trying then I know it's not the right time. The last thing I need is to feel stressed when trying for a baby! It would not be a good start for the little one.

A beautiful day for my birthday!!

I felt awful yesterday, I could hardly get out of bed. Whatever the reason though, I am feeling much better today....which works out well because....it's my 30th birthday!!! Woo hoo!

It's a beautiful sunny morning which makes me feel happy.
I've had a beautiful necklace and bracelet from my husband and daughter, and I'm officially having a day off from the Swank diet so croissants this morning...mmmmm.

The rest of the day will be made up of just 4 very important things.

AHHH...

SIGH...

YUM....

BOOM!!!!

The Agony is worth it!!!

Just a quick update on the self-soothing experiment.

It's been a few days now, and Lib is sleeping brilliantly!

I'd say self-soothing is definitely worth a shot, if you're in the same situation. Lib still wakes up occasionally, but I just calm her down, lie her down in her cot again and stroke her hair until she's settled. The best thing is that Lib has learnt that it's normal to be in her cot to sleep, so when it's bedtime, she'll go down even if she's awake and just chatter away to herself until she drops off. 

A full nights sleep again is very much appreciated!! :)

Snoozy

The Agony of Self-Soothing

So, following on from the last blog post....

Last night was much much better. 

Well...not much much better but frankly I'm feeling so giddy from having a decent nights sleep, it certainly feels as though it was much much better! 

Anyway, Lib went down absolutely fine at 7ish, so all was great. Then...she woke again at 8.30 and decided to cause havoc. Si ended up bringing her downstairs, and low and behold, it was the same old problem.

Then my Mum emailed me this link about self-soothing. 

BabyCenter: My 15 Month Old Still Wakes Up At Night

Now, I certainly wasn't against self-soothing, it just seemed a drastic course of action before and we had sort of muddled on without it. However, I think it's fair to say we'd reached the end of our tether. So we gave it a go. The article had some really good points about putting her down to sleep. We'd gotten in the habit of waiting until she was asleep before we put her in her cot, so of course, the article's point that a child needs to learn to get to sleep without you, rang true. Also, Lib definitely had too many toys in her cot, so we singled out her monkey called Ralph as her little sleeping buddy. 

In the end, it only took half an hour of her screaming before she gave in. As the article suggested, I went in every 10 mins or so, just to sooth her and make it clear that Ralph is there to look after her (whether she understands or not, I have no idea!). It was really hard (at one point, I was all ready to wrestle Si to the bed to stop him from going in!) but it worked because she slept soundly for the rest of the night.

And this evening, it only took 10 mins of crying. Fingers crossed she doesn't feel the need to wake later on!

Ralph - my hero! 

Code red!! CODE RED!! MELTDOWN IMMINENT!

I haven't written for a good few days, because the non-sleeping adventures continued and I have felt positively brain dead. Looked in the mirror this afternoon, and was quite shocked by the pale haggard being that looked back. Urrggh.

Anyway, Si's back, which is fantastic, but he's still having to work hard which is not so fantastic (though understandable for someone who has a job!). I can see that him being around in the morning to give me a hand may be flying out the window as we speak.

So yes, the sleeping of Little Miss Libby. 

Turns out, retrieving Snuggly Bunny was not the miracle cure I had hoped for. 

The situation as it stands is having tea, a bath, being all sleepy, going down in her cot nicely just enough for me to feel so so so relieved and happy that she has gone down ok, then her screaming because she'd realised she's in her cot, me trying to settle her but giving up because of the physical effort involved and her inability to have me holding her whilst sitting (seriously Lib?!), so taking her to bed with me so I can lie down too, thus ending up co-sleeping her because it's easier than trying to put her in her cot and have her wake up in the night. 

I'm exhausted...and that's with help from mum-in-law when Si was away. 

So I've been racking my brains. What on earth is going on, why isn't she settling and waking up in the middle of the night? Here are a few thoughts I had.....before I went mad:

- Teething?

- Not tiring her out too much in the afternoon?

- Her doing too much in the afternoon and it's a change for her?

- Eating protein at tea and therefore getting a burst of energy?

- Not eating enough at tea so waking up because she's hungry?

- Having tea too late in the evening?

- Just clingy to me?

- Nightmares?

I'm really struggling with not having some control over the situation. I'm at that frustrating point where I know my health is deteriorating because I'm run down, but there's nothing I can do. Or is there?! Or maybe not? Arrgghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blleeurgh.

The Sad Tale of Mr Snugglybunny

Mr Snugglybunny had a wonderful life. 

He was the official Snuggler of the beautiful Princess Lib, and it was his job to sit in her cot at night-time and protect her from all the naughty Snoozle Fairies who tried to deliver bad dreams to little girls and boys. 

One day, Princess Lib took Mr Snugglybunny to stay with her at Grandma's house. He liked Grandma's house, it was warm and cosy, and he had lots of fun playing with Princess Lib and her faithful steed Obidiah. 

However, disaster struck. When the Queen (who hadn't been sleeping well because of the pesky Snoozle Fairies) arrived to collect Princess Lib, Mr Snugglybunny was having a doze and didn't realise they were leaving until it was too late! Princess Lib didn't notice Mr Snugglybunny wasn't there until bedtime, but however hard she tried, she couldn't make her silly Mummy understand. 

That night, Princess Lib had to stay up and fight off the Snoozle Fairies all alone because Mr Snugglybunny wasn't there to do it for her. She kept shouting for her Mummy to help her, but all her Mummy did (because the Snoozle Fairies had befuddled her brain) was give her medicine, and put funny tasting paste in her mouth, and try and rock her to sleep! It did make her feel a little better, but she still couldn't sleep without knowing Mr Snugglybunny was ok.

Meanwhile, Mr Snugglybunny was actually enjoying a bit of a holiday from his duties. At Grandma's house he spent his days catching up on sleep in the cot and chatting to Obidiah who liked to sit near the window and keep and eye on the weather. 

The days passed and Princess Lib was becoming increasingly frustrated. How can the Queen not notice that Mr Snugglybunny was missing?! I bet if Daddy wasn't away on his quest, he would have. Mr Oogliboogly Monkey and Gloworm have been trying their best with the Snoozle Fairies, but it's just not the same!

Then one day, Grandma came to the rescue...."Look who I found, hiding in your cot Princess Lib!" she said. It was Mr Snugglybunny! Refreshed and looking forward to getting back to his work, Mr Snugglybunny gave Princess Lib a biiiiiiggg hug, and promised that next time he wanted a holiday we would request the time off in advance using the appropriate annual leave form. 

So they all went back to the castle, and that night, Princess Lib slept soundly because she had her Mr Snugglybunny there to protect her. 

THE END

And the moral of the story is..............always do your paperwork. :)

It's just snow fun, Mummy!

I haven't blogged for a while for three good reasons.

Firstly, I've been bl***y knackered because Lib's sleeping still hasn't been great due to teething. 

Secondly, my Mum's staying here while Si's away and I get distracted easily...

which leads us on to.....

Thirdly, THERE'S FLIPPING SNOW EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!

Snow Snow Snow. Love the stuff. I'm like a kid! I brought Lib down the first morning to show her, giving it the whole 'Oooohh...look Libby! Isn't it great!' thing. She didn't look impressed.

I got her all dressed up to go out in it, having visions of us frolicking around and making snowmen together. Yeah..clearly not going to happen. Lib is not a fan of the snow. 

This could have something to do with it:

Whoops. 

It was taken shortly after she took two steps then stacked it and fell head first into it. I suppose snow looks nice but the swift realisation that it's freezing cold probably came as a bit of a shock.

Hopefully my over-excited neglect hasn't ruined it for her for life! ;)

Plus Si's flight back home has been cancelled so I'll have to wait even longer for another big kid to arrive to prance around in it with me. Hmmpff...rubbish.

By Jove! I think they've got it!!

So, the last time I wrote we were having a few issues with Lib sleeping...or not. As I mentioned before, it was a bit of a shock to the ol' system.

Well...I think we've cracked it and worked out the issue.
It took a week of uncertainty and trying various methods of soothing (including, at one stage, driving down the M32 - we were that desperate) but we finally twigged it. She wouldn't settle on the days when she had had an afternoon nap.

Now that might be sound really obvious to an outsider, but bear in mind that this change to her stamina/body clock (who knows), happened literally over night. No wonder we were confused.
One day Lib is perfectly happy to snoozy in the afternoon then snuggle down into her bed like the cuddly munchkin that she is. The next day, it's 'no I'm terribly sorry...that just doesn't work for me any more'. Except she can't tell us that. She can just scream and rant. So we put the theory to the test, and yep, no nap equals good sleep. She did still wake in the middle of the night, but for me, that's manageable. It means that I can still switch off for an hour or two and get a chunk of sleep before I have to sort her out. It's a big relief considering that today Si's going away for a week!

Pat on the back for potential disaster being averted.........for now................duh duh DAAHHHH.

The Difficulty with Standing Still

Two things have become very apparent this week.
Firstly, that my daughter is very heavy.
Secondly, that I have a very bad back.

Lib, who has always been a really good sleeper is going through the 'I'mreallytiredbutifyoutryandputmeinthatcotIamgoingtomakeyourlifehell!' phase.

I can cope with this. It's a pain, but it's manageable. Of course, going back to not getting proper sleep is a bit of a shock to the system, but we'll cope. No, the thing I'm REALLY struggling to cope with is the need to be standing up, cradling Lib, until she falls asleep so deeply that it's possible to put her down. I've tried sitting down and cradling her, but no, it's not good enough. Just letting her cry doesn't solve anything. Lib apparently, like so many babies, needs to be precisely 4 feet off the ground in order to fall asleep. Of course, Lib's just cut another tooth, which isn't going to help.

This is becoming a real struggle though because my back isn't great anyway, so having to hold a 24lb child in your arms for about 10 minutes at a time, when you're tired and fatigued, is not doing either of us any good. Both Si and I are hobbling around in pain most of the time!

I did a bit of research, and it certainly looks like this is what most kids Lib's age go through. Now she's walking, she knows that there's much more that she's missing out on if she's in bed. I also think she's having a bit of separation anxiety at the moment. Si goes away on Sunday for a week, so I really hope she copes ok with it (for the time being, I'm not even going to think about what happens when me and Si go on our honeymoon in February!).

Anyway, today is a day for action I think.

1. Firstly, I'm going to keep everything as normal as possible over the next few days. We decorated the living room over the weekend, so it's no wonder that she was out of sorts, what with all the changes.
2. I've ordered a back support belt to hopefully make it less painful for those times when she needs standing up cuddles. Plus I'm going to the osteopath on Wednesday, so she'll be able to hopefully set my back right.
3. I need to put some new batteries in her mobile..she's always found it very relaxing.
4. Try and make sure Lib doesn't have a long nap this afternoon, so she settles a bit better tonight.
5. Make sure she doesn't have any sugar after lunchtime.

Fingers crossed!!!

The Second Child Quandary

Up until recently I've always had it in my mind that we would only have one child.

After all, the first was...well, as it is with everyone...a struggle. And our little Lib slept well, ate well and hardly cried! However, more and more recently I've been starting to think about what it would be like to venture into the realms of Baby Number Two.

Si was brought up as an only child, and has said he found it lonely at times, and I do feel sad to think that Lib may not have that special bond with a sibling. Now, if the MS wasn't an issue, I would definitely be planning on having a second child. Which I think is why the whole thing is making me feel so sad at the moment. Not having one would mean I would be letting the MS win, in a way. 

I was worried and scared about how I would be able to cope with having a baby, but it was a brand new experience, so there was no way in predicting how I was going to be. However, with a second baby, I know the problems (up to a point), which on the one hand would make it easier, but then this time round I'll have Lib to cope with as well as a baby, so I should expect it to be harder. 

I think the real problem is that I've felt a sense of urgency following this relapse. I read today that 65% of RRMS sufferers develop secondary progressive MS within 15 years of diagnosis. Now, I don't normally get freaked out by statistics, but I couldn't help but think 'hmm...11 years down. And there's still no improvement in my hands after my relapse. What if I am going down-hill?'. Idiotic I know. It's still earlier days into recovery. It was just that one quick thought has put the sense of panic in me and to be honest....really scared me.

We'd always planned on waiting until Lib is at school before we even considered another child, but there's that fear that my MS will get worse, and I'll regret not doing it sooner. After all, at the moment it's an option though we know it would be tough...and I'd hate to reach the point when it wasn't even an option anymore. Also, if we want another child and I'm worried about it, it makes sense to me to do it sooner so that I have the tiring years when they're not at school over before my MS has a chance to deteriorate further (if it's going to, of course!).

I had a heart-to-heart with Si, and a good chat with my Ma, which really helped. I was worried that they would think I was being irresponsible or something because I didn't want to wait until Lib's at school...which again, is completely stupid! I knew Si wanted a second child anyway, and he could definitely see the logic of not waiting another 4 years, which helped to put my mind at rest.

Anyway, we've decided to see how next year fairs and go from there.

I'll finish on a very philosophical point my husband made when I was worrying about letting my MS make a huge decision for me.
"You want to live your life, with MS. Not live your life through MS".
 Such a wise man, my husband!!