38 weeks and the false labours

This week has been tough, without a doubt. I wasn't going to write a post actually because it's been emotionally draining, but then I figured it might be cathartic to clear my head a bit.
You know I finished the last post saying how relaxed I was? It was obviously a stupid thing to say because I tempted fate.

As you know I've had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions going on for what seems like months (though I'm pretty sure it's just weeks) and there have been lots of signs that my body is gearing up. Clearly there has been no baby yet though....I maybe would have mentioned it. ;)

Anyway on Saturday I started to have much more intense BH which were stopping and starting and by Sunday they were happening regularly. They say that you know it's a BH contraction and not a real one because they aren't regular, they tend to fade if you move about or change position, and they are just in the front. Turns out, that can be a load of rubbish. Mine were regular, I had awful back pain with them, and they were very intense. They weren't really painful, more very uncomfortable, but again this wasn't much to go on because I didn't find labour really painful last time until I was near the end. It got to the point where I phoned the hospital and they said, especially considering the other symptoms I had had over the last couple days, that it sounded like labour and I should go in. So off we totter, get in there, get nice and calm and I go with the contractions, only to be examined a couple of hours later to be told that I'm hardly dilated and my cervix isn't even effaced so it's not labour after all. I was gutted...and confused. The midwife didn't think anything was imminent, but when I was pregnant with Lib I started with a false labour and then all of a sudden things switched, my cervix softened, I went from 1-10cm within a few hours and there she was! It felt so frustrating. They were lovely there though and supportive, and when sending us on our way said they would keep the bed for me in case things kicked off in the night which was good of them. I still had to stop myself feeling like a big pillock though, like I should have known it wasn't the real thing, and I felt the whole experience emotionally draining.

After the stress of the evening, the contractions inevitably stopped, so I tried really hard to put it past me, chill out and get my head straight again. After all, false labour had happened now, so surely I'll know the signs if it happens again, right?! Wrong.

It happened again two days later. Again they were on and off, then every 10 minutes and by the evening had increased to every 4 minutes or so (another thing BH aren't meant to do is get closer together). This time, the contractions were a lot stronger, in my pelvis and back a lot, and were starting to get painful. I started to have the horrible agitated feeling where I just couldn't get comfortable and we were convinced this was it. I thought I was going to go up to the hospital, and be 4-5 cms dilated or something...at least. Again....nothing. There had been some developments since being seen on Sunday (he was sitting much lower for example) but again I was only 1-2 cms dilated. Both times we'd ended up in hospital at night, and I was mentally and physically exhausted. I had basically had another 24 hours of early labour where I couldn't sleep or get comfortable (the contractions were bad enough to wake me up) and it was all for nothing (I know that that's not strictly true because apparently they are doing something, whether it's slowly bringing the cervix forward, or just 'practicing') but I did start to worry then. If this carried on, then I was really starting to think I wasn't going to be physically able to cope with labour when it actually kicked off because of the fatigue. The midwife was concerned too, so we established a bit of a plan to go back to the obstetrician to organise being induced to get the ball rolling if it continued. Of course, whether I got an appointment with the obs before the baby arrived anyway was another matter, but at least it made me feel better to know there was a back-up plan. It would mean not being able to give birth at Cossham, but by now I don't give a monkeys!

Luckily things have calmed down though for now, and I'm basically ignoring symptoms unless they become glaringly obvious. I thought I had been having my 'show' since Thursday, which again is something that indicates that labour is imminent. However, since nothing has happened, I'm going to assume that it was just because I was examined and had a sweep, and that there haven't actually been any developments. I'm trying really hard just to do nice things, not think about it, but above all...rest!

I wouldn't be as calm if it hadn't been for Si though. He has been completely amazing. He knows how anxious I get, and he has been brilliant at encouraging me and calming me down. It's equally as disappointing for him, when we think things are kicking off and then nothing happens, and he has been such a fantastic support. When I'm anxious all I really need is someone to try and bring me back to myself and get me out of the downward spiral, so just by him looking in my eyes and telling me I can do it and that I'm strong and everything will be ok, has meant more to me than anything. He's going to get me through this.

Sad egg.

37 weeks...halleloo!

So after two dodgy 'am I, aren't I?!' labour moments, I'm so happy and relieved to have reached week 37. I feel like I can relax into things a bit now, and things are looking good.

Me and Si had a tour of the birth centre on Wednesday, and it was better than expected. I knew it was a relaxing place to be in, but their philosophy and way of working there is just what I wanted, and need really. As it's a small centre they can manage the number of women in labour better, so it's one-on-one midwifery care. Which for me, especially with regard to my MS, is great. Knowing that someone will be able to keep an eye, encourage me to change positions and help me out is a relief, and sadly something I didn't get last time around. They are also encouraging me to use the pool for mobility reasons and as it fills up in the amount of time it takes for us to drive there, I might get my water birth after all which would be amazing! If not though there are plenty of aids there for me to keep comfortable and upright in labour even if I get weak.

For me though, the most important and surprising thing was that though you can be discharged after 6 hours, we (and that's the other thing. Si can stay too...he won't get turfed out onto the street after a few hours) can choose to stay there for up to 36 so I'll have the option to be in a calm, relaxing environment to recuperate a bit before I get home. It also means that I will get proper support this time with breastfeeding, which was a struggle with Lib. I went into my appointment expecting to have to justify my decision to only do breastfeeding in the early days (as I've mentioned in other posts, I got the guilt trip last time when I said I was struggling. Most of the midwives I met didn't really acknowledge my MS),  but the midwife here was completely supportive. We basically said I was going to have a go and see how I got on (Si was all geared up ready to stick up for me), but that we had formula feeding ready to go for when I needed it, which she thought was really sensible. All ready that's a big weight off my mind, because I did find the expectation and pressure to breastfeed hard to deal with last time. Hopefully it will be a breeze this time, but at least I don't need to worry about being judged if I stop. I felt like they actually listened.

Of course, the day after my appointment (I still had two days to go before I would be full term and they would accept me) I had another false labour moment. Now that would have been sod's law! Being shown somewhere so nice and then it being denied! But no, all quietened down again and we've passed the 37 week mark now so I can relax knowing that all being well I'll be giving birth there.

I think it's safe to say that my body is gearing up though. I had about 8 hours of on-off contractions on Friday, which did start to ramp up, but then I had a bath and it all stopped. Since then, they've been coming and going, but because the rib pain has eased hugely I've had a bit of a new lease of life. My ligaments have softened (meaning I'm less stiff and more mobile) so I'm actually getting out of the house now which is so welcome. All in all, I'm perfectly happy now just to wait and spend some quality time with Lib before his arrival. The end is in sight! :)

Silliest one yet? This week my baby is the size of Swiss Chard.

35 weeks and just as clueless!

The juggernaut of impending labour is still making it's slow and steady way towards me, though at the weekend I feared it was revving up and heading this way rather too quickly!

I had a bad week last week. I had a day of bad anxiety attacks on Wednesday, and I think the stress of that set off a period of false labour. I had had all the signs that labour was close (however, it's so easy to 'see' symptoms and signs at this stage that you'd normally shrug off...a bit like when you're trying to get pregnant. After all, I wouldn't have thought anything of having cramps, 'period' pain and a few other symptoms a few weeks ago). Things did build up though, and by Friday I started to get regular intense Braxton Hicks contractions and I confess that I did start to panic - which probably didn't help! By Saturday I was contracting every half and hour, and called the midwife to relay what was happening. I was concerned though that having such bad anxiety had set things off, and I had no idea whether you were meant to get in touch with them quicker if the baby was pre-term. Junior was moving very erratically as well, but as I remembered from last time, the panic going on in your head rarely gets reflected by a midwife (I guess they've seen/heard it all!). She did say it sounded like early labour, but told me just to rest and see what happens, so that's what I did....my head buzzing with the 'what ifs'. I found a link on ways to slow down early labour (rest lying down on my left side, and drink plenty of water), and over the next 24 hours it calmed things down a lot. Now I'm just back to having occasional Braxton Hicks, which is normal, but I'm still taking it very easy. I actually, according to Si, had a similar thing happen in weeks before Lib arrived, which I had completely forgotten about. 

It did throw a mental spanner in the works though. I had the fact that I would be going into Cossham planted so firmly in my head that the thought of not being able to (you have to be 37 weeks to give birth there) panicked me. I know how stupid this is though, because it's not like things went to plan last time around! Since things have calmed down though I feel more relaxed and reflective about it. I'm obviously hoping he'll hang on to at least 37 weeks for his sake, and I can go to Cossham for my sake and have a more relaxing birth. 

On the other hand though, if he did make an appearance early, I know that going to Southmead will mean him being in the best place. At the end of the day, it's just a room somewhere....and when I'm in labour I'm not really going to give a crap where I am anyway so long as I get through it!! :)

The last week has made me realise though that any assumptions I had that I would know what I was doing this time around is nonsense. I'm feeling just as confused and clueless as last time!

33 weeks and the sun is shining!!

Sunny day...sunny outlook! Gosh, it really has made a difference to my mood to have a few days of sun which, considering it's me we're talking about, is pretty unexpected. Normally I hate summer/sun/heat because it doesn't sit well with my MS, but I've reasoned that I had such a crappy winter being ill with one thing or another, that it's not surprising that I'm looking forward to the summer.

Thank goodness, the muscle seems to have healed quite a lot recently, because I'm definitely able to move more freely though driving is still a bit beyond me. I had a pain flare up at the weekend which didn't really make sense because I had improved so much, and I finally twigged that I was experiencing rib pain as well as muscle because Junior was sat so high. I've been doing some stretches that thank goodness haven't aggravated the muscle, and that really seems to have helped. There's a good article on alleviating rib pain here.

Yesterday Junior had dropped all the way down which was felt really strange (I could have sworn he was engaged) but I was so relieved to be able to breath properly and have a break from the pain for a day. I did start to wonder whether he was on his way out though which was a bit un-nerving! Turns out it's normal for second babies to drop down then change their mind quite a lot, and I had to remind myself that only about 2% of babies are pre-mature and it's usually only if you've had problems in pregnancy, so I don't think there's much chance of him popping out in the next few weeks.

I can start to see the end now though, so it's just a case of carrying on and gritting my teeth. The sun certainly helps though...it's good to feel some sun and heat on m'bones! :)

Not exactly exotic, but nice none-the-less.

P.S What do you think of the new look site? I was in a spring-cleaning mood :)

Belly Wrap for Pregnancy

Firstly a HUGE thank you to my friend Anna, for suggesting this to me.

This is an example of pregnancy belly wrapping that I thought I'd forward on, because even if you're not in pain, supporting your bump in later pregnancy is always beneficial. I had a long jersey wrap that I made (so much cheaper than buying an official Moby wrap and dead easy - instructions here) to use with Lib, and it was just sat in the drawer waiting for baby number 2. I didn't even twig that it might be useful before hand.

I was obviously already using Tubigrip to support my damaged muscles, but the problem with it is that because I have a burning sensation on my skin this gets irritated hugely by the course material. Also,  I was still moving the same way as before, albeit slowly, and every time I reached for something or bent over I had big shooting pains.

The great thing about wrapping the bump up instead of using Tubigrip is that because it is supported around my shoulders and back, as well as my waist, I can't twist awkwardly, and I have the muscle support if I lift anything. It's made hobbling around the house a lot more comfortable, which is great. I've seen some improvement in the pain because of the rest I've been getting this weekend, and even though the pain is still there with the wrap it feels nice to be more supported...especially if I do ever manage to leave the house over the coming weeks!

32 weeks and pain pain pain pain PAIN

.....did I mention I was in pain?

Prepare yourself for a moany post, and as I'm dosed up on pain killers, possibly a lot of waffling. I hate feeling space out. Blleeurrgh.

So why the pain? Well, as I've mentioned before, while I was pregnant with Lib I pulled a muscle at the top of my bump that was made worse by her positioning. It hurt...a lot. This time, the same area was bothering me which was to be expected, but last Tuesday I was sat on the edge of the bed when (I didn't feel him move, but I'm assuming he just put pressure on the wrong spot) there was an excruciating ripping sensation....like my whole bump was tearing open. It took my breath away and I was bent double. I know this can be a common sensation to have in the middle of the abdomen as the bump stretches and the ligaments relax to make room for the growing baby, but it was exactly in the same place where I had been having trouble before. It. was. awful.

The muscle had obviously torn/pulled/sprained/lord knows and I've been in agony ever since. The pain was actually on and off for a good few days, because Junior was still moving around quite a lot so I got the occasional bit of relief, but now he's head down in position, raring to go, so his bum and feet are (like Lib's were) in prime position to make things hellish.

The pain this time around has been so much worse as well because I'm having to keep moving a lot more than last time, so I keep aggravating it. Aside from dealing with Lib, I was also trying to keep occupied to distract myself over the third trimester drag, but I need to stop that nonsense now. I drove yesterday thinking I'd be ok in the automatic, but I didn't think about the amount of twisting you do when you're driving, and it has made it a lot worse. I can honestly say this is the worst pain I've ever been in. Worse than labour without a doubt, and at least with labour you know that it'll be coming to end at some point soon. With this though, I have an awful feeling that he's going to be big....and late (purely because that would be sod's law), so I could have 8-10 more weeks of this! My sanity is certainly going to be tested.

I had a midwife appointment this week anyway, so at least I could discuss things with her as they were occuring. As with before, there's obviously not a lot they can do. I luckily still have the Tubigrip that went over my bump last time around, so at least I feel a little more secure when I'm out of bed, but like my midwife said, they might not be the right size anymore. In my mind though, it's better than nothing! She's referred me to the physiotherapist, but whether I get an appointment before I give birth is another matter so I'm currently relying on Tubigrip, warms baths, Fisiocrem (it's really helped to soothe the burning sensation on my skin. I'd definitely recommend it as a natural alternative to Deep Heat/Cool gel and similar pain relievers) and have even treated myself to some fancy aromatherapy products to help with sleep and massage into my bump. I figured it was the least I can do if I'm not going to be able to leave the house for a while! Trying to stay relaxed is going to be key, though it's easier said than done.

I've also been given a prescription for codeine from the doctor which is helping for now, but has it's downsides. It makes my throat really dry, which means I'm having to drink a lot (which is theoretically good) but that means more trips to the bathroom so getting in and out of bed...and of course, it's always when I've finally managed to get myself comfortable. Also, I know from last time that it can make you constipated which won't help. I certainly need to make sure I try to keep them at a minimum. Codeine is safe to take during pregnancy, but if you take it too close to the birth then the baby can have withdrawal symptoms and will need to be monitored. This means no birth centre birth, and being stuck in the hospital instead, so I'm very keen to use it as little as possible. I'm making myself stay in bed this weekend in the hope that by lying down and giving the muscles a proper rest the pain might ease a bit. Having said that though, having Junior kick and prod at them whenever he's awake means the chances of healing are pretty slim until he's out.

So yep I'm feeling decidedly sorry for myself...but it's Easter weekend. Which means I can at least get people to feed me copious amounts of chocolate and I don't have to feel guilty about it!

Nuff said.

Does self-taught hypnobirthing work?

Following on from '29 weeks and considering the birth', I got thinking about the techniques I used to get through labour last time.

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First, I should probably write a bit of a disclaimer. I did not attend any official hypnobirthing classes, and I suspect I didn't do things 'as intended'...this is purely my personal experience with, let's say, dabbling with it. So if you want to have an in-depth look at how hypnobirthing works/whether it's for you, I suggest you start with this website and go from there. There will certainly be classes in your area to explore, so give it a 'Google'. :)

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Right, so, a friend of mine recently asked whether I was going to be doing hypnobirthing, and I initially thought 'why would she think that?'....then of course I twigged that that was what I did last time!

That sounds idiotic I know, but hear me out. I did use a hypnobirthing CD leading up to Lib's birth to relax and help with visualisation techniques, but because I didn't really listen to the CD during labour, I never thought that I had 'hypnobirthed'. There was no relaxing music playing, no soft lighting, Si didn't repeat different mantras to me, etc etc. No...lying on a stark hospital bed with strip fluorescent lighting above you doesn't really scream 'hypnobirth', does it.  However, I think I under-estimated the impact the small amount I had listened to had on the birth. In fact, all of those techniques listened to and learnt within the weeks leading up to birth, were what got me through it. I certainly think I would have panicked for starters, and probably screamed for pain relief if I hadn't felt in some way prepared! I found that by just saying the "3..2..1...relax" mantra, would help to calm me down and focus, and when you're concentrating that hard and in the 'zone', you find that a lot of the fear goes out the window.

So what did my hypno-birthing experience entail?

Well, I used the Natal Hypnotherapy CD which was recommended on the NCT website. Like most Mums I was on a budget, so spending hundreds of pounds on a course wasn't an option. I was more than happy to sit quietly at home and, like I've said before, 'dabble' with it and take whatever I wanted from it. I found that particular CD very good actually. I used to listen to it at least once a week, the narrator/practitioner has a nice gentle voice, and it wasn't too....full on.
It's all about using visualisation to get into a place of relaxation, and the techniques learnt helped a lot. I think psychologically visualising the same things I had done at home (in a safe and quiet space) instantly helped to ground me in labour. It was almost like having an out of body experience. I was in hospital, but my mind was back home in bed! Obviously, during the times I had listened to it at home (often falling asleep I should add), I had soaked things up like a sponge.

But does it help with the pain?

Well, from my experience, judging by the fact I had a couple of paracetamol a few hours before it kicked off, and used a TENS machine on the lowest setting on and off, I'd say YES.

According to the HypnoBirthing UK site

"65-70% of Hypnobirthing mum's don't need any form of pain relief. Nearly all the mum's in this category simply don't experience any pain - just pressure. Around 20-25% only required something mild like gas and air, and the remaining 5-10% had 'special circumstances' (usually where intervention was required)"

I didn't do 'HypnoBirthing UK' because it is an official course-led form of hypnotherapy, so the way I did it probably wasn't classed as hypno-birthing according to them. Needless to say their statistics are interesting, and it does tie in with my experiences. The pain I felt was more like uncomfortable pressure, rather than sharp pain (until you are literally pushing baby out of course). In fact, at one point (when they didn't know what to do with me!) I had a really wobbly moment, lost concentration, and yep, it instantly felt a whole lot more painful and a lot more scary. I had lost the feeling of control, which I think is what makes hypnotherapy in labour so good. You are convincing yourself that you are in control of this situation (whether you are or not!) which inevitably relaxes you.

Do you feel in a trance?

Not really. You're still aware of things going on around you, but because concentration is needed, you just filter everything else out.


So even just allowing a small amount of time out for hypnotherapy/relaxation beforehand was really beneficial to me in labour. Apparently using hypnotherapy is meant to shorten labour as well (perhaps because you are really concentrating on effective breathing and relaxing key muscles) and my labour was relatively short. It could all be coincidence of course! Plus, I suppose it's one of those things whereby it might not work for all, but I will say that if you are pregnant and in any way interested, it's worth giving it a shot. After all, any techniques you can take on board to help relaxation are going to beneficial. This time around, I'm using the same CD (it all came flooding back to me very quickly) and I've bought the Labour Companion too (just to make it a bit more interesting). I'll obviously let you know what effect it has this time around.

Feel free to post any comments or questions!

Calm

Lies, Popeye! All lies!!

30 weeks in and I'm low low low.................on iron, that is.

So, I had a midwife appointment on Tuesday, bloods were taken, and I was tested for anaemia because my blood pressure is low (it's been like that for at least the last 3 appointments so it's nothing new, but they wanted to check things out now it was time for the blood test) and it turns out that, yep, my haemoglobin and ferritin levels are low. I suspect they have been like that for a while, but it's another case of the MS and my perception of pregnancy masking things (I put the breathlessness down to bad MS fatigue/smaller lung capacity/generally just thinking every pregnant woman gets bad breathlessness etc....silly). At least now they've spotted it and something can be done though.

I got a phone call from the surgery two days after my test to book another blood test in a month, but there was no mention of going on iron supplements in the meantime, and obviously the receptionist couldn't really advise me on anything. Then the next day I managed to get out for a bit of a walk (hallelujah), but afterwards started to feel increasingly rubbish and noticed that my lips had a blue tint to them. Not a good sign, surely! I phoned the midwife, and she was pretty shocked to hear that the surgery had booked me in again in a month, with no consultation. Normally, you get put on supplements and re-tested after two weeks! Not sure what's going on there, but I'm certainly glad I got the midwife involved. I never really know who to ring and when, about stuff.

In the meantime I have taken things into my own hands and had a Spatone sachet over the last two days (just to bump my levels up...after all, there's not much chance of me overdosing at the moment), but I'm hoping to get the docs tomorrow to get confirmation on how much extra iron I need. The breathlessness has improved a bit, but overall it's been a crappy weekend. I've tried to eat well, and get more iron in my diet (as well as avoiding tea and coffee, as they are iron inhibitors), but the smallest things are tiring me out. I didn't feel too bad when I woke up today, but by the time I'd gone downstairs and had some breakfast, I was exhausted! I've practically been in bed the whole time, which of course isn't particularly comfortable at the moment anyway. You just can't win!

All I can do is focus on how quickly the pregnancy is going, and hope that things will improve this week. I'm trying to stay positive and accept that if all I feel up to doing is resting, hobbling about and not doing much over the next 9 1/2 weeks (assuming I go full term), then so be it. Sure I'll be bored stiff, but I'm sure I'll be thankful of it when Junior arrives. I'm so glad we sorted out nursery for Lib beforehand though, because at least I know she's getting a few days a week of good stimulation to counteract the slow days here, and of course, I'm just so lucky to have family who are willing to help out so much. Thank you!! :)

Do you know what I've learnt this week? Spinach doesn't have as much iron in it as you think. In fact, it's actually an iron inhibitor, so unless you eat it with something that increases iron absorption, it just gets lost. What a waste, Popeye!

26 weeks and making the most of it

By 'making the most of it' I mean it's suddenly dawned on me that in 2 weeks I'm into the third trimester, so the last two weeks of having no illness and generally feeling fine, is on it's way out! Bum.

Already just in the last two days I've started to feel heavier and tighter, and Junior's kicks and shifting around have gone from being 'cute' to being uncomfortable, and yep...it all starts flooding back! Ah the third trimester. 3 months of feeling knackered and uncomfortable. Woo hoo. ;) I've been proactive this time around to try and get everything sorted before the third trimester, so all I have to do is rest and sleep when Lib's not around. I'm not good at relaxing when I know there is something that needs doing, so I'm hoping to free my mind up a bit!

In other news, pelvic girdle pain has started...though as of yet, no SPD. The difference is that instead of having constant pain with SPD, the pelvic girdle pain is much more common and causes pain and stiffness in my hips if I sit for long periods, especially on a hard chair. Fingers crossed using my support band and seeing the osteopath will stop it from becoming too problematic.

I've started Aqua Yoga for Pregnancy classes too. It's great to have a bit of time set aside once a week to properly relax and concentrate on the baby. It's really improving my pelvic floor too, which is always going to be good. It's kind of pricey, but I would definitely recommend it. I find the water so soothing and it's been nice to chat to some other pregnant women. It would be nice to use a birthing pool this time around, but with only 3 hours of established labour with Lib, I doubt they're going to have time to fill the pool up!! :)

24 weeks on the Mother Ship

Wowzer....5 and a half months gone.

I think I might have mentioned before how we had sort of tried to work things so I was pregnant over the winter, rather than summer, to make things easier for me? So yeah, that back fired.

Sure, when I'm feeling ok my energy and mobility is better than it perhaps would have been in the summer, but my goodness. I've just picked up one thing after another. It's been months of ill.

It started with my depression being bad (which isn't contagious obviously, but the dark days couldn't have helped!) but me being run down meant I caught a cold, then the stomach flu (which ended up with me being stuck in bed for a week because I got dehydrated and it set off a lot of MS symptoms). Last week I was in a whole world of pain with sciatica in my back and down one leg (cause unknown, but now I'm now scared it's going to be re-occurring throughout pregnancy. Luckily it seems to have righted itself for now), and now we're back to a snotty cold so I'm again writing this in bed, feeling sorry for myself!

Normally I tend to miss winter bugs, but I suppose Lib is at nursery now which has meant we've had a whole cycle of snot and bleeurggh to contend with. For once in my life I'm actually looking forward to it warming up, and wouldn't say no to a nice sunny holiday somewhere!!

Despite my body throwing a hissy fit, Junior (Si's new adopted name....though it reminds me of Arnold Schwarzenegger) is wriggling and squirming like the best of 'em, so it all looks good in there. Never before have I felt like so much of a 'vessel' though. It's stormy seas outside...but hey, he's fine and comfy tucked up in his little warm cabin. :)

In other, more random news, I was interviewed yesterday for Woman magazine. It's a piece about being young when diagnosed with MS, and how it shaped my life. At least I think it is. I was chatting to her for half and hour for it to be condensed into 500 words (we covered work, family life, medical, emotional stuff...so I have no idea what she's going to focus on). I'm glad I can get my story out there though, and offer a bit of hope to people who are diagnosed so young. I wish I had had it. When I was diagnosed, the only two people I knew with MS were both permanently in a wheelchair, so to me, my outlook wasn't brilliant. They weren't too good at providing information in those days. Sure I got all of the medical bumf about what MS was etc (despite them not really knowing!), but nothing that was targeted to young people. I think that's improved now - thank goodness.

It certainly would have been a help to me to know that despite having regular relapses, with the right things in place and learning to adapt to my condition, I can live a happy and fairly 'normal' life.  Like I said to the journalist when she asked how my diagnosis effected me emotionally after these 14 years ("Wasn't I scared?"), all I could think was that 14 years ago I thought I'd be in a wheelchair permanently by now, so in my mind, I'm lucky and just have to make the most of things. I mean no one has control over what is going to happen in the future, so just make the most of what you have now. Sure, the chances are my MS will worsen, but then anyone could be struck down with something horrible at any point (cheery) so what's the point in stressing about it now?

Wow, those anti-depressants are really working well! ;)

I will post the article when it comes out...unless it's cringe-worthy because they've made me sound like a stupid sentimental 'ol twonk!

The scientific baby measuring tool of today -  

Apparently he's the size of a corn cob. 

Because it's a wonderful thing...

Saw this today. Mind blowing! Try and watch it in HD if you can....

20 weeks and a New Year

So it's 2015! A new year and a fresh start.

I've always liked January (which I know sounds nuts to most people). It's probably because my birthday is at the beginning of Feb so I have something to look forward to, but I've also always seen January as the month to shake off any rubbish stuff that happened the previous year and enjoy making plans (however small) for the year ahead. I don't do resolutions though. Why put the pressure on yourself?!

Obviously, this year the big change will be our little boyo arriving. Yep...that's right. It's a boy!
Lib was correct in her premonitions. I was not. :)

In fact, I was so convinced I was having another girl that I admit I felt pretty shocked when I saw what was blatantly obvious on 20 week scan! It's great news though, and now that it's sunk in, it's even more exciting because it will feel like a completely new experience. I think part of me slightly hoped it would be a girl just because in my head that felt like it would be easier. However, I neglected to take into account that of course, the baby girl would of course be different to Lib. So in some ways with a boy on the way, I am of course now expecting it to be different, which might soften the blow when things undoubtedly are!

All is perfectly fine and healthy though (as far as they can see), so it's made me relax into the pregnancy a bit more. I have a growing bump now, which is nice, baby is wriggling a lot, and I'm seeing the osteopath every few weeks to keep the aches and pains away. I'm still getting good days and bad days with regard to fatigue and the depression, but that's to be expected, and I certainly don't want to bump my medication up just because I know things are ok (so far) in the womb. Best to ride it out until the end, and evaluate things then. I've already accepted that I might not want to breastfeed in order to go back on my medication again quickly anyway. Initially, I felt like this was being selfish. Then I gave myself a big internal slap and told myself to get over it and stop being silly. A healthy Mum is a happy Mum. And a Happy Mum = a Happy Baby. Why I'm worrying about that now, I have no idea, and I think Si thinks I'm nuts. But these stressy thoughts all happened last time, so I'm pretty sure it's normal...for me anyway!

Why this picture says 'baby boy' I have no idea. Lib had some booties very 

similar...in fact I wouldn't mind a pair myself. 

16 weeks and ready for Christmas

I felt the baby move the other day, and you know what, I burst into tears! Relief, I reckon.
It was just what I needed to start feeling that 'connection', and it really brought me back to reality, which was good. It's been so hard to feel enthusiastic about everything with my recent mood,

Just feeling that little flutter and knowing it was the baby (when you know, you know), has moved me on a bit. I feel a lot more 'pregnant' now, and have enjoyed thinking more about the future. I mean, in a few weeks I'll be half way through.....I can't believe it. Time to start thinking about getting the nursery set up. :)

But first things first. Christmas! Christmas Eve a week today, to be exact. It's a funny time of year, isn't it. All that build up, and as an adult you're fully aware that soon it'll all be over. But as Lib is now at the age where she has an understanding of what's going on, I think it'll be magical this year. I can't wait to see her face when she sees all the presents under the tree! And it'll be her last Christmas as an only child...all being well. :)

Anyway, we have the tree, we've decked the halls, and soon it'll be time to make some Christmas treats to curb my sweet tooth. Something a bit nicer to munch on than sour sweets, which is my current craving. Oh, and meat. Bought myself some chicken for lunch and it was lovely. I figure if I enjoy it, then my body obviously needed it, so I'm not going to make myself feel guilty! Normally, I just eat fish (no meat), but as I've gone off fish anyway, I'm willing to eat whatever I fancy in the quest to try and get a balanced diet. I was so good at healthy eating for the majority of my pregnancy last time (it all went to pot a bit at the end though...) because I was working from home in my 2nd and 3rd trimester, so I could concentrate on getting what I needed and cooking healthy meals. This time, I'm certainly not eating bad things when I do eat (ignoring the sour sweets!), but my lack of appetite and low mood has made cooking and preparing things a chore, so I know I haven't done as well this time around. The key I think is having healthy things in the fridge for me to just pick at. For some reason I will eat fruit salad if it's prepared and ready to go in the fridge, but I'm less likely to just pick up a piece of fruit...which is just as easy! Weird.

Hmmm...healthy eating over Christmas. An interesting concept.


MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!! ;)

Our first real Christmas tree. Believe it or not, we used to put the same

 amount of decorations on a tree half the size!

14 weeks - tired but happier

Missed a couple of weeks, but who gives a monkeys, eh? :)

So the depression and anxiety has died down a bit, which is good. I've had a few bad days, and a couple of anxiety attacks, but overall there's a noticeable improvement, which is handy because.....what's this? Advent begins tomorrow?!

Christmas...hazaa!!!

I'm really looking forward to it this year, which is also a good sign that things are on the up.
Lib's definitely getting an idea of what it's all about, so it'll be lovely seeing her getting all excited! We met Father Christmas the other day for the first time :)

Part of encouraging myself to keep 'down' moments at bay has been to try and keep myself busy and distracted with nice things to do, so making Christmas presents and baking nice treats could not come at a better time.

Plus it's finally getting colder...love it.

I'm dreaming of the White Christmas that I doubt will EVER happen

in Bristol....but here's hoping!

.

10 weeks..(the s**t hits the fan)

I did write a really long post about week 10, and then lost it all, which was just about the icing on the cake. It's probably a good thing though because it means I'll keep this fairly brief instead of waffling on!

So my low mood got increasingly worse, and we realised that the problems were due to suffering from a severe bout of depression. Being pregnant has masked things somewhat, so rather than seeing the signs for what they were, I put it down to 'normal' pregnancy symptoms. After all, its common knowledge that you get mood swings and a low mood throughout pregnancy.

However, when I finally went to the doctor, she confirmed that it was something much more than that, and what I was going through wasn't 'normal'. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but after a couple of discussions with her, and her conferring with other doctors, it was decided that the best course of action was to start me back on the Citalopram.

It was a big decision, because they believe that there is a very low risk that it can cause heart defects in babies. However, like my doctor said, in 11 years she's never known it occurring, and she made a good point in saying that the heart defects could have occurred in the baby anyway. I certainly don't like taking medication when pregnant, but as I'm on the lowest dose, I did agree that the risks were worth taking as I was struggling to look after myself (and therefore the baby) because the depression had made me so despondent and weak.

It was really tough time, but at 15 weeks, I can say that things are much better than they were. I've had a lot less anxiety attacks, and I'm generally feeling a lot brighter. Fingers crossed it continues. :)

11 weeks 3 days, and we have a jiggly baby!

We had the dating scan today, and I'm pleased to announce that all is well. Good healthy heart beat, and baby was even performing a little dance for us (mainly 'reaching for the lasers').

It's a big relief to know that everything is well. With my current mood I had convinced myself that something was wrong with the baby. I still feel a bit detached, but even as I write this a few days later things have improved and I feel more positive which is good.

So the 'official' due date is: 29th May 2015.

It seems a long way away, but I know how quickly it will go!

9..no..10..no 9 weeks in

So according to the NHS I'm currently 10 weeks and 3 days.
According to me, I'm actually 9 weeks and 3 days. After all I have a 5 week cycle, but we have the scan on Monday which will confirm everything (hurrah!) and I no longer have to write these posts in secret!! ;)
Tell you what though, you'd think that as you got nearer the end of the first trimester things would alleviate but my lord this week has already been a killer! I. Am. Exhausted.
To the point where I started to think 'hmm..maybe this isn't all baby'. Maybe there's something brewing here.
I had not even a whiff of a relapse last time while I was pregnant so I would be a bit shocked if it does occur. After all, being preggers seems to help so many day to day symptoms. I suppose if it's gonna happen though, it'll happen. Of course last time was really a whole different ball game.
By this point while pregnant with Lib, I had just finished work with severance pay, so I could sit back,  be 'pregnant' and listen to my body. Though I'm in a position to get more rest than most when having their second child, I struggle to relax in the same way as before...understandably! So I think this awful fatigue/exhaustion is probably a combination of things.
However, if I wasn't pregnant, and felt like this I would automatically think 'relapse' and rest up for a couple of days in the hope that it subsides. Why am I incapable if making those decisions now that I'm pregnant? After all, in lots of ways it's more important that I do that now because I can guarantee that they will be reluctant to put me on steroids if I do gave a major relapse.
I have a weird, almost punishing, outlook whereby I think 'well..I asked for this. We didn't have to get pregnant', so why should I get extra help? I'm an idiot. And I know many people who read this will agree.
I will try harder to be a bit more.....kind to myself. I promise.

Talking of relapses though, I did a bit if MS research today (like to be do it occasionally, thought this time it was looking into relapses when pregnant) and when reading I read this:

"A relapse is defined by "the appearance of new symptoms, or the return of old symptoms, for a period of 24 hours or more – in the absence of a change in core body temperature or infection"

Now it's been 13 years since I was diagnosed and I have NEVER read (or never properly taken it on board, perhaps) that it is classed as a relapse if symptoms have been present for more than 24 hours. 
If that is the case then my lord, I think I have had a LOT more relapses than I first thought. I always think of them as blips. If I have a 'blip' I used to rest for a good few days and they subside/go away, so I always assumed it wasn't one. However, last time I was put on steroids my consultant did say you would get better without them it just speeds up the process. 

So all those times I thought 'no it can't be a relapse I can still use my legs (!)' it is likely it was, but just not a major one. In which case maybe I should have been alerting the hospital of these? I got the impression that if it wasn't bad enough for steroids then it wasn't a proper relapse. I tend to only give them a ring when my legs/speech etc stop working. So pretty late in the day!!
Is this a new development in the treatment/management of MS, I wonder?
Every relapse is damage being done, so maybe I'm not as stable as I first believed? I haven't had an MRI for about 6 years so really they have no idea what's going on in that brain of mine.

I have an appointment in a few weeks, so I think I'll have to bring all this up to hopefully put my mind at rest. 

8 weeks pregnant: 'I have a baby brother...he's in the cafe'

Weird post, but over the last two weeks, Lib has increasingly gone on about her 'baby brother'. Let me just point out again that we haven't said anything to Lib, but she's sure picked up the vibes from somewhere.She's so bright, so I think that even just talking to someone in hushed tones about it (never mentioning the 'baby' word) has made Lib realise something is up.

Either that or she does have a sixth sense and know that her baby brother is on his way. *shudder* I think I'll be a bit freaked out if it does turn out to be a boy (even though with 50/50 odds it's pretty likely! :) The creepiest moment, was when I took her to the toilet before bed, and she said 'I can see my baby brother. He's out there....' (pointing to the window, and the darkness outside)! I don't need to be reminded that Halloween is coming up.

In all seriousness though, she is going to be so so excited when we tell her. She is so loving and caring towards everyone, big or small, and always homes in on a baby if there's one present. She just wants to make sure everyone is ok :). It's so sweet, and I know she'll relish having that special 'big sister' role.

How long it'll last for after she realises that babies are actually quite boring, is anyone's guess!

7 weeks pregnant: The Appetite Says Bye-Bye

---- Just to remind you that this was actually written 7 weeks ago. Luckily my appetite has come back with a vengeance now ----


Ok, so I haven't had sickness, but I definitely have no appetite. I keep having to remind myself to eat! That is certainly not the norm :)

Food just holds no interest for me now, and when I think I want something, I start preparing it and change my mind. For some reason just opening the fridge is making my feel nauseous. I don't know whether it's got something to do with the cold, but bleuuueghh...it gives me the creeps. Weird.

I put on a couple of pounds over Lib's birthday holiday in Lincolnshire which I have lost again, along with another two. I know I should be having about 2000 calories, but that just seems a mountain of a task at the moment. Plus, the things I don't mind eating like toast, and cheese, and generally fatty savoury foods (boy?) play my IBS up, so it's tricky. I am consoling myself with the fact that I did eat healthily before, and I was like this last time in the first trimester, and Lib ended up being as healthy as they come. I think the problem is that in the back of my mind, I'm conscious that I don't want to put on too much weight this time (I put on a good 3/4 stone extra than I needed last time) and it took me so long to shift afterwards. So I have this pressure to think 'no, have a healthy alternative to curb that craving', when all I want to do is eat cheese. And chips with tomato sauce. And prawn cocktail crisps. And Skittles. Not a good mixture for a digestive system! Oof.

6 weeks pregnant: The MS Holiday

Yet again, I'm preggers and basking in the sunny sunshine-ness of the MS Holiday.
Don't get my wrong, I feel quite crap, but the pregnancy tiredness is so much easier than the MS fatigue. Now, if I feel knackered, I can sit down for half and hour and rest and I actually feel better. Usually, with my MS, it take a whole day of rest to improve things if my fatigue is bad.

I've been lucky again in that I haven't got any morning sickness, just the odd bit of nausea, which tends to only happen if I eat or drink something that my body decides it doesn't like any more.
But yeah, generally I'm feeling pretty peachy. I don't know whether this is because I'm lucky, or because compared to the sh*t storm that is MS, pregnancy feels like a breeze at the moment.

I certainly remember from last time though, how things have their ups and downs...and blimey, it's still early days....