Now...normally I wouldn't mention this, but as it's a blog about motherhood and MS, it seems relevant to talk about it.
About two weeks ago I thought I was pregnant. I was not only late, but I 'felt' pregnant and had the same early symptoms as I had when pregnant with Lib. Suffice to say, I am definitely not pregnant. Nope..no baby here. Whether I was for a while, or it was my mind playing tricks on me and I was just late, who knows? One thing I do know is that it kicked up a lot of mad emotions.
Firstly, when I thought I was pregnant, I didn't freak out...which surprised me. It felt kind of nice, and I instantly just thought 'it's fine...it'll be tough, but we'll cope'. I did a couple of early pregnancy tests, which came out negative, but it didn't put my mind at rest (the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Lib...it took a while for my hormone levels to be high enough to register on a test). In fact another surprise came when the tests came out negative, and I again felt disappointed.
However, as time went on, panic started to creep in. Mainly because it brought back memories of how I physically felt the first time, and I knew how it was going to be a struggle. To be honest Lib is a dream child. She sleeps well, eats well, is hardly ever in a grump, and is generally just perfect (though I'm obviously biased!). What if baby number 2 was the complete opposite?! I'm pretty close to my limits with Lib...how would I cope dealing with a troublesome baby and Lib?!
When my period finally arrived with a big painful fanfare, I confess that I felt happy and relieved. But then...sad. Then relieved again. Then disappointed. Then happy. Then....arggh! I was a bit of an emotional wreck.
The thought of it just being me and Lib for a good while longer certainly made me feel happy. I'm a good Mum, and my biggest worry would be that a second child will put too much pressure on me, and my relationship with Lib would suffer as a consequence. Would it be irresponsible to have a second child if I thought I was going to struggle? On the other hand, I thought I would struggle the first time, but I have coped well under the circumstances, so perhaps it would be the same again? Also, (and this may sound a bit doom and gloom) as I have a degenerative illness, a large part of me would want Lib to have a sibling. I can't help but think that it would make things easier if anything happened to me in the future. The first few years of motherhood with another baby would undoubtedly be tough, but I'm still young (ish!) and fairly resilient at the mo. So why not?
I don't know....lots of thoughts whizzing round. One thing the 'scare' did reaffirm, is that it's definitely too soon for me to have a second child now. I really don't feel ready..and I certainly need to feel in control about making the decision. My mind can't quite cope with the thought of an unplanned pregnancy. I need to shut up, stop dwelling on it, and take each day/week/month/year, as it comes and if it doesn't feel right to start trying then I know it's not the right time. The last thing I need is to feel stressed when trying for a baby! It would not be a good start for the little one.