Hello all!
It's been two years since I last posted something....shock horror!
Since then we've had a worldwide pandemic in the form of Coronavirus and well....hasn't it just been peachy! *rolls eyes*
What an utter s**t show of a year. We've gotten through it though as a family, battened down the hatches, got our heads down and coped with it. Trust me, we know how lucky we are. We're in good health and there's a lot to be said for that.
This pandemic has made me consider life differently.
For starters, my health, and the health of my family is the most important thing to me. I've always put the pressure on my self to work despite my health issues, and I'm not really sure why. Because of Si's work, I'm in the lucky position where I don't need to, so I should be ok with that. I think society and the pressure to be 'SuperMum' has done damage. After all, I have it stuck in my head that aside from being a good Mum, I also have to work. Well, enough of that I say! It's taken me a long while, but I've finally come to terms with the fact that my health (and mental health in particular) makes working EXTREMELY hard.
During lockdown I convinced myself that I needed to work FOR my mental health. I was so scared I was going to become bored, sleep more, and therefore become depressed. I was desperate to give my days some major purpose. So I re-started my vegan cupcake business, called The Natural Cupcake Company to give me some focus once the kids had gone back to school (albeit briefly it turns out!). The business was a success though! I had a good product, the business was selling well, and I finally thought I knew what I wanted to do.
However, things quickly turned a bit sour.
I enjoyed it, no doubt, but I could tell it was starting to be a struggle. I started to get stressed and anxious if I got an order in that was last minute, and I HATED delivering around Bristol. I carried on though, and I got steadily busier. I had an extremely busy Christmas and Mother's Day, and then WHAM. That was it. My body had reached it's limit, and I was forced to my bed for a week with a pseudo relapse (a pseudo relapse, is one that mimics an actual relapse, but no damage is occurring in the brain - it's often brought on by stress). I knew it wasn't a full blown relapse because my symptoms, though bad, weren't getting steadily worse, so I phoned the hospital and we agreed to sit it out and see what happens. I'm back to normal now, but the 'relapse' has taken its toll.
I temporarily closed the business while I was ill, and now I can't bring myself to go back to it. I get really bad anxiety when I have to bake now, which is such a shame. I used to love it. These shadows of bad things that happen still haunt me. And that's what I've come to realise...my mental health plays such a big part in whether or not I can work - not just my MS. I have to aim to keep things balanced, not just for me, but for my friends and family too. Everyone who helps me get through my little ol' life.
So there you have it. I've tried being a cupcake mogul, and it didn't work out. I have anxiety, bipolar, and MS. Maybe I'm just not cut out for working...and that needs to be A-OK. It dawned on me that maybe the drive to be 'focused' on something, needs to just be reassessed. After all, maybe my 'focus' should be ME. There are things I can do to keep busy, to stop the boredom creeping in, and I think I've finally learnt that keeping as relaxed as possible benefits, not just me, but my whole family.
Coming out of lockdown, after having both vaccines, I'm philosophical about what life means to me. And how health is the most important thing. I need to shake off this feeling that I need to please all people at all times, and concentrate on being the best I can be for myself and my family. Whether this means investing on getting fit, on eating well, doing yoga, meditation, taking time out to be sociable (something I'm really not very good at), reading a book.....or WRITING (the thing I love to do, but have neglected something chronic), it will all fall into place I'm sure.
I'm just glad I've climbed out of another MS/anxiety hole again. I had a panic when I was ill this time that I was stepping into 'secondary progressive MS' territory and it scared the hell out of me. It was my 20 year MS 'anniversary' this April just gone, so in the back of my mind I keep thinking....surely it's gonna happen at some point, right? But then.....maybe not. Maybe I'll be lucky. Another good reason to invest in me, stay away from stress, and live well.
And talking of living well....I became a vegan last year and it suits me. Don't get my wrong...I have the odd slip but overall I'm eating a much better diet and I'm basically on the Swank diet again. My biggest weakness is turning to processed food when I'm tired, but now I'm really going out of my way to avoid it where possible. I definitely notice a difference in symptoms when I eat 'badly' so I've just got to make sure I stick with it. I'm still amazed that after having MS for 20 years, not medical person has ever mentioned that having a good diet could help things. My consultant had never even heard of the Swank diet. But diet is so so important. I mean, it has to be right? It's the fuel we use.
So despite all the panic and awfulness that's been going on in the world, I feel calm and reassured that as a long term MS sufferer, bipolar nutjob, anxiety whacko, I'm in a very good place right now and my future looks bright. And, my dear readers, I will endeavour to bring you more tales of life, love, motherhood and MS soon!
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