I've called this post 'Living with Anxiety' because I have to do exactly that. Try and live life alongside it. When I have an MS relapse life kind of stops because it has to. I can't physically carry on, so I have no choice but to lie back and let it happen to my body. Even with my depression I have periods where it's just impossible to get out of bed, so things have to work around it.
With my anxiety though, I feel like it's different. All week I've been having panic attacks, my vision has been swimming, I've been close to tears, I've had headaches, shakiness, been sweating profusely, been achy, restless, and on occasion had a rapid heartbeat. All of that is topped off with a huge feeling of dread. I can't sleep through it, because I'm restless and agitated, and of course I have the kids to deal with. I'm functioning enough to get through the day, but my lordy it has been a struggle this last week.
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THE NEXT DAY
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I waited until the next day to finish my post but a cloud of depression has come over me. I can always tell as soon as I open my eyes in the morning if it's apparent. I've managed to do nothing but sleep so I'm making myself write this so I can at least go to bed feeling like I've achieved something.
This week has been a bugger.
But in the spirit 'keeping calm and carrying on', and spurred on by my therapy, I want to take some action. I can't just sleep away my problems, so it's time to try and help myself a bit. Firstly, the anxiety.
So what to do (aside from sit in a corner and weep)? Well, luckily on my 'Living with MS' course yesterday I learnt a lot about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) techniques to deal with said anxiety. The key it seems is taking a step back from those thoughts, recognising them for what they are, and realising what the triggers have been, if any.
Well, my trigger has undoubtedly been the fact that on Saturday, Libby (my 7 year old) is travelling to London on a Brownie trip. My anxiety has made me become irrational and focus on all the 'what ifs' like 'what if she gets lost?', 'what if someone takes her?', which of course, on analysis, are all fears that are unhelpful. This is, in the CBT world, is called 'catastrophising', where you always dwell on the worst case scenario. Everyone does it, but most people can take those thoughts and dismiss them again as being over-blown. An anxiety sufferer on the other hand, takes it, dwells on it, panics about it, and convinces themselves that it will come true. Of course, my MS has not helped matters. After all, if walking wasn't an issue I would be able to go along too and put my mind at rest.
So according to CBT, I have to learn to take a step back when thinking these thoughts. For example, instead of thinking 'I'm worthless', step back and think to yourself 'I'm having the thought I'm worthless'. Taking this step allows you to stop the thought becoming all-encompassing, and instead become more subjective. There was also a method, whereby you write down the distressing thought, and quantify it by giving it a percentage. When I first started to get stressed by Libby going to London, I was 80% sure she was going to get lost. After writing it down and taking a metaphorical step back, I could see that this was ridiculous.
I also decided to take the bull by the horns and get in touch with the Brownie leader to ask about what safe-guarding they had in place. Now this normally would make me cringe at the thought of seeming like an over-protective Mum, but then I thought - maybe I am? Maybe it's self-preservation? After all, I know deep down I wouldn't be able to cope if anything ever happened to the kids, so yeah, maybe I am over-protective. Needless to say though, the response from the Brownie leader, and seeing it written down really put my mind at rest so I'm glad I did it.
So that's anxiety...what about the depression?
Well, despite it being horrible today, it has seemed like an old friend compared to the anxiety. With depression I kind of know where I am with the symptoms, and I know it tends to pass. With anxiety, the symptoms make me feel so wound up it makes me panic even more, and feels uncomfortable.
MS is one thing. Anxiety another. But living with anxiety, depression and MS is just too much for me today. I say today, because I try and believe that things can always be better tomorrow, so it's best to live each day as it comes. Let's hope for sunshine tomorrow.
The fraught face of anxiety.
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