Bipolar and MS - 6 years on

6 years ago, I had hit rock bottom. 

It was a year after giving birth to Ed, and I just couldn't cope anymore. To say I had a nervous breakdown is putting it mildly. I was visibly twitching, flitting between being completely depressed to being highly manic in the space of what seemed like minutes, and was on the verge of suicide. 

My family rallied around me, and the crisis team were called, referring me to a psychiatrist for an emergency appointment. 

I went from being in a state of extreme despair, to thinking there wasn't a problem, all the while constantly moving and twitching my hands. It was a confusing and scary time. I felt like I had no control over myself. The crisis team were amazing, and referred me to a psychiatrist for an emergency appointment. 

I remember sitting in his room, trying to control my twitching, and the mentioning of Bipolar Disorder. He asked if I had thought that that's what could be wrong with me...and suddenly it all clicked into place. 

I knew a little about bipolar disorder, as my aunt had been diagnosed, and when he explained the ups and downs, the depressed and manic periods that occur with bipolar it made a lot of sense. So much so, that it was picked up that I had been suffering for a long time, but had no diagnosis.

I had suffered from depression since first being diagnosed with MS 20 years ago, and would have manic periods of not being able to sit still, periods of obsession, etc, but in those instances I always just thought that was 'normal'. After all, when you're manic you just feel incredibly happy. 

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But what is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that affects your moods, which can swing from one extreme to another. It used to be known a manic depression.

How it affects me

Like the description says, I swing from one extreme to another. In the beginning I would go from extremely depressed to as high as a kite, really quickly. 

In my depressive state I am sad, feel lonely, feel a sense of dread and fear, have headaches, muscle aches, fatigue, and just can't function. I just want to sleep, which is hard when you have children. 

When I flip to a manic period I feel happy, excited, am ultra creative, become obsessed with small things and details no one would be bothered by, feel energetic (to the point where I struggle to sleep), have a lack of appetite, talk quickly and laugh...well....manically. 😂 

When I was first diagnosed, I would literally flit between the two within the hour, even within minutes, which was soooo exhausting. When I was manic I was convinced there was nothing wrong, and it was a big fuss over nothing. When depressed, I just wanted to die. 

I am so grateful that my family and crisis team could see it for what it was and referred me straight away. I was put on a medication called Aripriprazole, which stops the ultra highs (I still get manic, but not to the same extreme) and I was already on Citalopram to help the lows and my anxiety. 

Luckily the mediation did the trick and it calmed the situation down. I now feel stable when it comes to my bipolar, and yes, I still get highs and lows, they are a lot less disruptive than they used to me. 

Reflecting at 6 years on

It was World Bipolar Day on the 30th March, and it made me reflect on how far I've come over the last 6 years. 

When I was first diagnosed I was discharged from the psychiatrist after about 9 months, which was good, as the drugs did their thing. Sure they've been tweaked since then, but overall I've been happy with my medication. 

Bipolar is a tricky disorder to manage anyway, but throwing MS into the mix? That's upping the level! The hardest thing for me with having bipolar and MS, is that sometimes my mind forgets that I have physical limitations. I'll be manic and feeling on top of the world, unable to sit still and becoming so focused on things, I can't see the wood for the trees and feel my fatigue creeping in. I push myself too far and inevitably burn myself out. My brain doesn't allow me to stop and think 'now you're getting tired, you should rest'. It just has to go gun-ho at everything. 

It's a huge challenge and one I still haven't mastered. It's easy for others to say 'just rest', but when your brain is going ten to the dozen, it's nearly impossible to. 

My bipolar will never go (they explained I'd be on my medication for life) but it's undoubtedly part of me now. I find myself looking forward to the highs (which are few and far between now....my last manic episode was about 4 months ago) because of the creativity it brings. It's so hard to feel creative when you are low. I am more aware of how dangerous manic periods can be though...and try to take it easy to reduce the chances of burn-out. 

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